Well I have 10 thousand things going on in my head right now…
My mom is really sick. I’m not sure with what, but I know that she’s not doing so hot. About a month ago she hurt her back really badly and had been going to physical therapy to help heal the muscles, but things just didn’t seem to be getting much better. Well, three weeks ago while I was at Challenge my dad took her to the ER because she was in a lot of pain and her legs were tingling and she could barely walk. So that kinda hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I’m thousands of miles away and my mom is in the hospital and my siblings are home alone and I just kinda lost it.
Well, this morning I got home from a sleep-over and had to take my van to get inspected and then get the passenger side door fixed. And when we got home my mom was laying on the couch and she was really weak and shaking and in a lot of pain. So my dad decided to take her to the ER again. So here I am. I’m home this time and it’s no less scary. It’s hard being the oldest child. Whether or not they would say it, the little people are watching me to see how to respond. I have to make sure the house gets cleaned, the kids are fed, and not killing each other. It’s not that I’m doing any more work than I’ve been doing, but this is different.
Usually mom and dad are at work and I have to clean, cook and attempt to keep the peace. But all of that comes with the assurance that at 5:30 mom and dad will be home with a hug and some help. Today things feel different. Sure, I know they’ll be home eventually but I start to get this looming sense of loneliness like they are never coming back. And that’s when panic sets in.
I’ve often said that mind and heart are two very different things. You can know something is 100% a lie and still feel very afraid of that thing. Emotions… They’re the best aren’t they?
As you might know, I work with a group of 8th grade girls at my church who I affectionately refer to as “my girls.” This past Wednesday was the last Middle School Core night of the year. I didn’t realize until afterward what it was that that meant. It means that they are now considered 9th graders. Now, I’m only going into my senior year. And that means that I can’t be their leader any more. It doesn’t mean that they are out of my life, but it means that my role in their lives is changing. There’s no more going to camp with them and staying up all night. There’s no more leading group discussions. No more speaking up in their defense… And that scares me.
I know that change is natural, inevitable and unavoidable but that doesn’t make me hate it less. Sure, I like some amount of change. I get bored of the same old thing, that’s why I cut my own hair every once in a while. But when I’m comfortable with the way something is and I like it then there is nothing I hate more than change. If all the happy things in life could just stay constant, life would be good.
But life is good. Life was, will be and still is good whether or not it looks the way I wish it would.
There is so much more I want to say… The biggest thing on my mind right now is Guys. But I don’t have time to talk about that right now, because honestly it might take up 5 posts. Haha, you know me…
Random Fact of the Day- Latin did not die, Latin changed. Funny that we always refer to it as a dead language.
Mission of the Day- Please pray… that’s about all I can think to say.
Love you always!