I want to talk about something weirdly personal today.
I had a long conversation with my parents last night and they asked me why I don’t talk to them. Why I can put my thoughts and feelings on the internet for everyone to see, but won’t talk about them with the people who care the most about me. And I’ve been thinking about that. So to understand that you have to understand what lies at the heart of why I do that.
I’m a girl who is afraid of many things (more than I’d like to admit,) but my two largest fears are easily the fear of boring people and the fear of ending up alone.
My favorite character and person I most want to be is Alaska Young. And there is nothing boring about her. Even her back story is interesting. And so I fear that I’ll bore people. Honestly, who wants to hear the rantings of a crazy, strange, deeply thoughtful and incredibly emotional Dancing Queen? Almost no one. My mind is a crazy labyrinth full of madness and confusion. I think about boys way too much, I think about the meaning of life, the future, college, music, Doctor Who and all kinds of other random Crap like: exactly how many books could I fit on that shelf, or what is the ideal distance between cracks on the sidewalk, or even how can I get the numbers on the clock to mathematically make sense? No one wants to hear that. I find it incredibly interesting, and that’s why so many people talk to me and I love that, but why force people to hear my thoughts?
My second biggest fear is that I’m going to end up alone. I honestly worry that if people knew what on inside my head that they would run away. It’s easy for me to give my opinions, but my real thoughts? Not so much. People would run away. I just know it. If the boy I like was aware of how much time I spend thinking about him he would be legitimately creeped out.
That’s why this is perfect. I’ve often said this before, no one is forcing you to read this. And to me that Is the amazing part. I’m putting this out there so that I have a place to write my thoughts but you are choosing to read this.
I love you!