I had things that I was going to write about. And then I got crushed by the feeling of rejection.
I think that my problem lies in my hopes. One of the things I believe is that you only fall as far as your hopes are high, but that doesn’t mean give up. My problem is that I hope too much.
Every word he said to me me dizzy and the way he looked at me made me insides feel fuzzy and smiley. But I had no right to feel those things. I had no right to idealize him and I had no right to even bother liking him.
I think that I have too many emotions. I can’t separate my emotions from reality. It’s so hard to be positive on the hard days, because it feels as though the hard days are never ending. As though I’m trapped in this loneliness and am destined to never ever get out. I joke about being a crazy cat lady, but I legitimately worry that my overly-emotional nature will drive people away from me and that I’ll go unliked forever.
You know what the thing was about this boy? He made me feel more like a girl. He made me blush and bite my lip (involuntarily) and absent mindedly twist my hair and batt my eyelashes (like an idiot) and he made me giggle. When you’re a girl like me, that doesn’t happen often. In fact, It’s very rare that a boy makes me do all of that just by being in the room. It hasn’t happened in a long time and the last boy to make me do that still manages to make me smile like an idiot on some days.
That’s what it feels like to be a girl. To have weak knees and a stupid smile because of that boy. That feeling in your chest when he texts you. The way you feel when you catch him looking at you. That’s what it feels like. And I hate it. I hate having my judgement clouded by my emotions. Or having my feelings keep me from being normal and healthy.
For a girl who wants to be so in love, I am so single. Eventually you have to start asking yourself “what is wrong with me?” Honey Boo Boo’s mom has a boyfriend and I have a cat.
Why does hope feel so far away?