I had a crazy day today. School, three hour choir rehearsal, Wendy’s with Gretchen, Folklore with Alanna and Meesh, The Office with Jonathan. Just a nice day.
I was looking through some of my old blog posts (because I’m self centered and like to look at 15 year old me,) and I noticed a significant shift in my writing from when I was fifteen to now. I’ve stopped trying so hard. When I read some of my old posts I realize how forced they sound. I was trying to be funny and thoughtful and cool all at the same time, and I was failing.
I’ve noticed that the less I try, the easier it is to be me. The less I force myself into the standard of what I think I should be, the more I enjoy life.
We all have something or someone that we want to be. A free spirit, an athlete, a hipster, an artist, a mentor, an academic, a collector, a comedian, a philosopher, a listener, a musician, a writer, a gamer. There are stereotypes that we want to be identified with. So we push. We push ourselves to be more of that one quality. And the more we push, the more obvious it becomes.
I’ve stopped trying to identify myself with groups and objects and more with people and beliefs. And honestly, if you asked me who I was, in not sure how I would answer. You see, I’m still not a fully formed human being. I’m still being shaped and affected and changed by the things in my life. You cannot embrace those changes if you’re too busy trying to be something you’re not.
I’ve come to realize that I’m not funny when I’m trying to be. I’m not a deep thinker when I’m trying to be. And I’m no great writer when I’m trying to be. Honestly, I’m not sure that I’m ever any of those things. But I’m starting to understand that trying too hard is absolutely not the way to be any of those things.
Can we just float? Float under the beautiful sky and dream of improbable things and try only to breathe in as much of this life as these fragile lungs will hold. For this is all I have to hope for and this is all I could ever ask for.
Sorry… Sometimes I feel oddly poetic.