“I must have gotten really hot since I’ve gotten to college.”
You see, I’m not the ugliest sad-sack on this planet, but I’ve never been particularly good at attracting guys. That’s just a fact that I’ve acknowledged in my life. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the truth “Life keeps moving on.”
But college has been a different story. I’ve had guys just throw themselves at me. I mean, I do go to a very nerdy school with a pretty low guy:girl ratio, but it’s everyone. Guys at parties, guys I’m friends with, guys who sit down next to me while I’m playing the piano, guys in my classes, guys I see around. I really don’t know how to respond. It’s weird and vaguely uncomfortable at times.
I spent a lot of time in high school worrying about boys. I wanted so badly to not be single. I wanted to feel wanted and acceptable and Beautiful. It was one of the deepest desires of my heart. I spent hours and hours thinking about Guys and I spent years letting myself feel like I wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a guy who was interested in me. I spent way too much time thinking about how I looked or what I said or how I was being perceived by the guys around me. I wasted so much time and emotion and energy on boys who wouldn’t give me the time of day.
I don’t feel like that any more. I have a very dear friend who hasn’t spent much time single over the past couple years and my advice to her was that it might be good for her to learn what it’s like to be single and to discover who she is on her own. Now, I’ve been single for a long time, but I haven’t been single and happy for a long time. I haven’t learned how to be happy and single. I’ve spent a lot of time resenting my Single-ness.
A lot of my friends have gotten into relationships since getting to college. They’ve met people and have jumped right into relationships. Believe me, it’s tempting to do. You’re suddenly surrounded people who don’t know your past. People who don’t have the same biases that people in high school had and it would be so easy to just get into a relationship with the first good looking guy who was nice enough to give me the time of day, but no.
I’m ready to learn what it means to be content. To be OK with myself. To not feel the need to impress people. To just be myself. One of the things I experienced while I was in Haiti was Contentedness. (read about that here) Just feeling like life was good and OK and like I needed nothing else in the world. I’m ready to learn what that feels like in the day to day moments of being single.
So I’m going to take some time by myself. I’m not going to write about boys. I’m not going to listen to sappy love songs. I’m not going to try to impress people. I’m just going to be me and be good with that. If you’re in a place like me, it might be something cool for you to try out. Let me know what you thing of that.