How do I explain how I’m feeling? Yesterday I was on top of the world and everything was so beautiful and today I feel so deeply deeply broken. I am so incredibly homesick. I want to go home a sleep in my bed and see my parents and my siblings at my cat and my friends. I want to go to my church and have a place to cry.
The worst thing about college is that there’s no place that is yours. There’s no where to run to when you need a good cry. There are no good hugs. There are no home cooked meals.
My best friend left for Spain today. This shouldn’t be a big deal. She’s already hundreds of miles away and I know she’ll be back, but the thought of not talking to her for ten days is almost unbearable. I miss her so much.
I feel so damn out of control of my emotions. One minute I am so happy and so alive and the next I’m crashing and I feel like I’m dying. The biggest thing I feel is that no one understands. I can’t put into words how ugly and confused I feel. Why is this happening to me? How can the sun make me feel like there’s still hope and beauty in the world and the rain can suck ever last bit of joy out of my heart? I feel like I’m crazy. Like I’m out of control and just losing my mind.
I pray and pray and pray for this stupid sadness to end. For this unexplainable and seemingly unfounded grief to stop. It’s not like I have a reason to feel this way. I know that life is so good. I know that the world is such a beautiful place and I know that I’m deeply loved. So why don’t I feel it? Why can happiness just dry up?
For this second, I feel fine. Like the sadness has passed, but it always comes back. Like a clenching fist in my gut trying to pull the breath right out of my lungs.
Why this God? Why this? And why me? I want something or someone to blame. I want a reason for feeling this way. Grief is bearable when you know its source, but I have no answers. I have no reason. Nothing happened. No one died, no one broke up with me, no one said anything hurtful. I just feel.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to call. I want a hug and some warm tea. I want to go to bed and never get out.
There’s nothing poetic about pain like this. Nothing beautiful to write about lost love or shattered dreams. This is ugly, confused, broken, angry pain. The kind you bury deep down and don’t tell anyone about for fear of the judgement and the misunderstanding. It’s the kind of pain you try to explain away with a lack of sleep or overly active hormones or just a bad day. But it’s the kind of pain that has no explanation.