62 to go…

How do I explain how I’m feeling? Yesterday I was on top of the world and everything was so beautiful and today I feel so deeply deeply broken. I am so incredibly homesick. I want to go home a sleep in my bed and see my parents and my siblings at my cat and my friends. I want to go to my church and have a place to cry.

The worst thing about college is that there’s no place that is yours. There’s no where to run to when you need a good cry. There are no good hugs. There are no home cooked meals.

My best friend left for Spain today. This shouldn’t be a big deal. She’s already hundreds of miles away and I know she’ll be back, but the thought of not talking to her for ten days is almost unbearable. I miss her so much.

I feel so damn out of control of my emotions. One minute I am so happy and so alive and the next I’m crashing and I feel like I’m dying. The biggest thing I feel is that no one understands. I can’t put into words how ugly and confused I feel. Why is this happening to me? How can the sun make me feel like there’s still hope and beauty in the world and the rain can suck ever last bit of joy out of my heart? I feel like I’m crazy. Like I’m out of control and just losing my mind.

I pray and pray and pray for this stupid sadness to end. For this unexplainable and seemingly unfounded grief to stop. It’s not like I have a reason to feel this way. I know that life is so good. I know that the world is such a beautiful place and I know that I’m deeply loved. So why don’t I feel it? Why can happiness just dry up?

For this second, I feel fine. Like the sadness has passed, but it always comes back. Like a clenching fist in my gut trying to pull the breath right out of my lungs.

Why this God? Why this? And why me? I want something or someone to blame. I want a reason for feeling this way. Grief is bearable when you know its source, but I have no answers. I have no reason. Nothing happened. No one died, no one broke up with me, no one said anything hurtful. I just feel.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to call. I want a hug and some warm tea. I want to go to bed and never get out.

There’s nothing poetic about pain like this. Nothing beautiful to write about lost love or shattered dreams. This is ugly, confused, broken, angry pain. The kind you bury deep down and don’t tell anyone about for fear of the judgement and the misunderstanding. It’s the kind of pain you try to explain away with a lack of sleep or overly active hormones or just a bad day. But it’s the kind of pain that has no explanation.

I’m sorry.

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8 thoughts on “62 to go…

  1. hugs….one day at a time, I promise it will get better and brighter, SAD is an awful disorder, ask me, ask lexie, are you taking any vit d supplements, they do help, light therapy too, can buy one right at walmart, also when your all done with school, try living in a warmer climate, florida, cali, sorry you feel so badly, more hugs…

  2. Oh sweetie I understand exactly how you feel. I have battled this day in and day out for over half of my life. There’s no explanation for it except for the messed up chemicals in the brain. It’s a disease. It’s awful and it is certainly a battle. But you’re not crazy and your feelings are entirely valid. I love you so much hun, you are a strong young lady and you’re doing the best you can! You are forever one of my biggest role models. keep fighting ❤

    • Thanks Monica, I seriously love you so much and I’m so glad you understand. You are such a joy and such an encouragement to me and I love you tons and bunches. Hope all is well with you!!!! ❤

  3. *massive munchkin hugs*
    Everything is going to be okay; maybe not now but it will get better. I wanna bet that when your bestie comes back from Spain your funkyblues will be over. Maybe calling home might help with the homesickness though my advice may backfire (which is a high possibility of happening). I know that when my boyfriend gets homesick he calls his family.
    Personally when I get like this I pick up a book and read! Slip into a different world or a different person (oh god that sounded awkward; so much better in my head). My recomendation would be books that are super cheesy, fluffy, and overall sickening cuteness! Or read whatever you want. I think Sarah Dessen is a fantastic author for helping get rid of funkyblues but that’s only if she is your style.
    Hope you feel better soon, if you wanta talk just let me know okay? We can figure something out!
    xxxxxxx *massive munchkin hugs*

    • This seriously brightened my day so much. I really hope I’ll feel better when she gets back, life’s always easier when she’s around. Yea, it’s usually super good for me to call home and remember that my parents and siblings are still around and still like me. Reading is a great idea!!! I’m just now starting The Poisonwood Bible. Books always have a way of making things better, don’t they. Thanks again so so so much 🙂 *massive hugs*

    • Meera, you don’t even know how much I love you. You are beautiful and kind and wonderful and I’m so thankful for you in my life. Thanks for always being so amazing and encouraging. I love you always ❤

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