I feel like I want to cry and sleep a lot. I really hope that the Sunshine will be good for me, because I need it. I need a reason to smile and I need a reason to believe again. That’s the problem with depression like this. It’s not that I don’t know that life will be good again, because I do, but I almost don’t believe it. For moments I get a glimpse of the sun and the happiness it brings but then that moment passes and it’s as though my mind refuses to believe that it will ever be happy again. Squeezing, squashing, crushing sadness. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy and functional like everyone else? Why Why Why?
The sadness of winter is almost a deep, physical ache in me. It will hit me in waves and I just have to lay down until it passes because I can’t physically deal with it. I watched a movie recently and there’s a scene with this girl lying on the floor in the fetal position shaking and crying because of her heroin addiction. I just watched that scene and saw myself lying on the floor like that, but I don’t have an excuse. I have no heroin addiction to blame, only the Cold.
I feel so stupid about it sometimes. It’s not like I’m living some crazy, dramatic, tragic life. It’s almost like I have no right to feel the way I do. I feel guilty and silly for hurting as deeply as I do. It’s not always just Winter, but sometimes it only takes an insensitive comment, a weird look, or a sarcastic joke to break me. I don’t want to be this fragile, I just want to be normal.
I’ve been so stressed these past couple of weeks. I’ve had so much school work and my room has been dirty and all of my clothes have been filthy and I have just felt like I can’t keep it together. If I was like most other girls I would just deal with it, but no. The thought of dealing with these stressors just causes me more stress so I just don’t deal with them. Why can’t I just deal with things like a normal human being??
I have a mind-blowing crush on this boy. It’s the kind of thing where I just want to talk about it all the time, but I also want no one to know. I want him to notice me. I want him to like me. I want so many selfish things. But I also just want to get to know him. I want to laugh with him and talk about what he wants to do with his life. I haven’t had a silly little crush like this in so long and it’s so weird to have one now. I don’t know how to act. I’m trying to look like I’ve got it all together but it’s like I can’t be normal around him. Guh! How do I act normal??
My spring break started yesterday and I’m in Florida until next Saturday. I’m so glad to get out of the frozen tundra that is my college, but I’m so homesick. All of my best friends were home for break last week and I just wish I could have been there with them. I miss my parents and my brother and my bed. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a good thing that I’m here and that I’m going to love it and learn lots.
I think that I’m just in need of some normalcy in my life.
I want to thank everyone for the kind comments and emails regarding my past couple of posts. Winter is a really hard time for me and I get so depressed and I’m just incredibly thankful that you all care enough to try to cheer me up. I really appreciate it. I hope to be posting more thought provoking and uplifting things this week, since I’m going to have time and will hopefully be in a better state of mind in these coming days.
Love you always!