I once was lost. 39 to go…

I want to tell you about The People’s Climate March, which I was at this past weekend, but there’s something I really need to write about.

I use an app which shows me what I did on social media on this date over the past couple years and usually it makes me either laugh at the stupid things I’ve said and done (a year ago today I said “even in a room full of blind people, I could still make awkward eye contact,” and I laughed about that for 20 minutes,) or cringe at the horrible things 15-year-old Abby posted (5 years ago today I posted something very bitter about being the only person not going to homecoming. Goodness gracious I was a miserable 15 year old.) But today I came across a blog post that I wrote one year ago today.

I wrote this post while sitting between the door to my dorm and the door outside. I sat there repeatedly calling my best friend with tears in my eyes just hoping she would answer and that I wouldn’t have to be alone. But she didn’t answer. So I sobbed and did the only thing I could think to do, I wrote. I remember that night like it was yesterday, and it broke me all over again to read these raw feelings. It was an ugly time in my life that I don’t really want to elaborate on, but I’ll tell you a little bit about it.

I had been messing around with a boy who I knew I shouldn’t. He was bad news and I knew it. But he was around and I was so desperate to feel wanted that I would have done anything. I was so desperate to be seen and noticed and desired, and he was the first person to notice me. Well it was that night a year ago that he told me that things had to end. I wasn’t so upset about it ending as I was upset at myself for getting myself into this situation in the first place.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have thought things were going to work out? How could I have thought things weren’t going to blow up in my face? These questions ran through my head over and over again as I sat there and cried. I felt so helpless, broken, and useless. I felt worse about myself in that moment than I ever have in my whole life.

This is honestly one of the ugliest moments of my whole life, but the end is why I knew I had to write about it.

I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but this is life. Life means failing and falling short and growing because of it. I don’t feel like I’m growing yet, and maybe it will take a long time before I will but it will come.

I couldn’t feel myself growing in that moment, but now as I look back I can see how much I’ve grown. I can see the person I was and I can see the person I am. I can see the scars that guy left on me fading with time. I can hear the words he said to me that made me feel so desired being replaced by words of the people I know really love me. I see the broken girl I was and I can see her standing again.

I was at women’s Bible study a couple weeks ago and these words stuck out to me so much that I had to write them on my arm and just stare at them:

Being found isn’t as beautiful if you don’t admit that you were once lost.

I don’t know about you, but it’s so easy to look at the hard times in my life and just say “I’m not that person anymore,” and to dismiss the times we messed up and that things were hard. But I’m realizing more and more that I am the person I am because of the decisions I’ve made, good and bad. I have to be willing to admit that I was lost, broken, and ugly to truly understand how found, whole, and beautiful I am. It doesn’t do me justice to just say I turned out like this, and it certainly does not do God justice. God is glorified in our stories, the beautiful and the ugly. I believe that deeper than I’ve ever believed anything.

So there it is. I was broken. I was lost. I still am some days. But the beauty is that I once was lost but now am found.

Love you!

Abby

PS- I couldn’t find a good place to put this, but the last paragraph of that post really speaks to me.

This too shall pass. All things do. The good and the bad. That’s why you can’t be too attached to moments, because they are all so transient. Here for a minute and gone the next, never lasting long enough to do more than tempt us with hope and beauty or break us with sadness and bitter loneliness. This too shall pass.

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One perfect day. 51 to go…

If every day were as beautiful as today was I would die from over exposure to beauty and love.

I went to church with my two dear friends David and Meg. The sun was shining, the breeze smelled like summer, the trees were blooming, the birds were singing. All was beautiful. The worship at church was beautiful and uplifting and encouraging. They showed a beautiful video about mothers for Mother’s Day which made me incredibly homesick, but also deeply thankful for my beautiful and kind and wonderful mother. After church we decided to go to the lilac festival which is happening this week.

We parked at Meg’s house and walked a good ways to the lilac festival. We all held hands and walked in stride and marveled at the beauty of our little corner of the world and laughed together. Walking around the festival there were so many beautiful people in happy little dresses and gorgeous long skirts and Meg and I couldn’t help but point out all of the stunning people we walked past. There was so much to see and so many people so we just explored a little bit before our hungry stomachs got the better of us and we had to stop and eat. We sat down on a grassy hill and listened to this incredible group called Driftwood. The female vocalist had this slow and sultry voice that just drew me in. We listened to them for a while and watched all of the people around us. There were all of these wonderful people in long skirts who were dancing and just thoroughly enjoying the music.

Driftwood finished up and while we were waiting for the next group to come on my mom called me. I’ve been missing her so much and it was so good to just talk even for a little bit and laugh about all of the silly things that have been going on. Good heavens, I love her.

Between the two groups David, Meg, and I just laid in the grass and enjoyed the sun and then David said “just sitting in the sun with two of my best friends. This is great.” I just stopped and looked at both of them and was filled with so much happiness. It’s not every day that someone tells you that you’re one of their best friends, and it’s not every day that you realize that they’re yours. I’ve spent almost the entire weekend with my lovely friend Katie (who took my side bar picture, aint she great?) and David and more and more I’ve been realizing that they’re some of my best friends and that I love them both so much. I’ve been so blessed by Meg and her kind heart and encouraging attitude. Sitting there made me realize that she’s been the big sister I’ve never had and I was so grateful. More and more I’ve just been looking at my friends here and thinking that I don’t know what I’ll do without them for three months. They’ve come to be such big parts of my life over the past couple months. Grace, Kelly, Mike, David, Katie, Meg and so many more. I just love them all so much.

The second group that got up to play was The Adam Ezra Group who were also fantastic. They sang all of these great songs about beautiful women who live in the mountains and don’t wear shoes. My kind of people! Then in the middle of one of the songs the lead vocalist started improvising and I honestly can’t remember all of what he said, but it was beautiful. It was all about the Sunshine and good friends and happy music and love and joy and peace. He said the most beautiful thing: “I don’t know what I did to deserve this perfect day.”  I was overwhelmed with how incredibly happy I felt. I just sat there hugging Meg and thanking God for the friends he’s given me and for the Sunshine he’s placed in my life. I was reminded of all the ways in which God has provided good things for me this semester.

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David, Meg and me at the lilac festival. Not gonna lie, we’re kind of adorable.

Today has been a little vacation from the four week funk I’ve been living in. Maybe I’ll feel horrible tomorrow, but days like today serve to remind me that the sun still shines even if I can’t see it. It gives me hope that this funk will end and things will be good again. For just today, everything was perfect.

Love you!!

Abby

PS- I used the word beauty/beautiful 11 times in this post. There are just no other words for how great everything is and for how much I love my friends. Everything is just so beautiful! (Make that 12)

296 to go…

There’s something beautiful about the stars and how far away they are. There’s something beautiful about the way your bed feels after a long day. There’s something beautiful about sleeping in a sweater.

It’s so easy for me to feel depressed. So, so easy. But there are so many little beautiful things. And those are my favorite things.

Remind me to tell you about Anne of Green Gables.

Love you!

Abby

340 to go…

I often wish I had the capacity to be a happy person. You see, I’m generally a happy person around other people, but when I’m alone I feel… Lonely. And that loneliness sucks something out of me.

What has happened to contentment? When did good become not good enough? I find myself so discontented with everything. My body, my brains, my “love life” (He is We once said “love life, what’s that?” It makes me laugh,) my belongings, and my general life. But why? The twenty fourth thing on the List of Thing I Believe is “it is the little, beautiful things that make life itself beautiful.” My life is so full of little beautiful things. There are plenty of bad things, sure, but the bad things do not make the good any less good.

Weird things I love:

Bright red lipstick.
Making hot tea, holding the mug under your nose and against your lips and just breathing.
Baking cakes at midnight.
Being home alone.
Lipstick stains on cups.
Taking off foundation.
Pantyhose and pumps.
Cuddling (my cat of course.)
Kisses on the forehead.
Laughing loudly.
Twirly skirts and swing dancing.
Long hugs.
A cold bedroom and warm blankets.
The phrase “fluttering eyelashes”

This has been random… Sorry about that.

Question of the Day- Weird things you love?

Random Fact of the Day- today is Coffee Day.

Mission of the Day-smile 🙂

Love you!

Abby

Day 362

There is so much beauty in the world. After work this morning, I went to Starbucks and they forgot to make my drink so I got a free drink voucher. And then in an attempt to take the back roads to the gas station, I got terribly lost among fields of yellow and purple wild flowers while listening to Allie Moss. A rough evening with my family blossomed into a couple of hours of laying on my parent’s bed with mom, dad and Jonathan and sharing our earliest memories together. I laughed till I cried. Honestly, it was beautiful.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

In some ways, seeing the bad makes the good look so much better. It puts the simple joys into perspective. And it puts the hurts and hearbreaks into perspective as well.

I’ve been horribly depressed recently. Basically, here’s what’s going on in my head: Hey, your mom has a serious disease. Hey, you’re in your last year of highschool. Hey, you don’t know what to do with your life even though everyone else already does. Hey, you don’t have a best friend anymore. Hey, Gretchen is at college. Hey, your small group is completely changed and your leader doesn’t want you anymore. Hey, you’re working two dead end jobs. Hey, your ten year old sister plays the piano better than you. Hey, no one reads this stupid blog anyway. Hey, you can’t sing. Hey, you’ll never get into college. Hey, no boy will ever like you. Hey, you’re a burden to everyone. Hey, even your cat doesn’t like you.

And so on…

I’m fighting, man, but this is hard stuff. And I’m tired. So I cling to the promise that I was created the way I am for a unique and important person.

Random Fact of the Day- Large dogs have an increased risk of hip dysplasia as opposed to small dogs.

Mission of the Day- figure out how to actually spell “dysplasia.”

Love you!

Abby

Day 359

Here I am… Six days from the end…

He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world, no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again.”

As I watches Doctor Who this evening, this quote struck me. It’s so easy to create happiness when you are happy or to paint misery, but creating beauty out of the pain is the incredible thing about humans. But even more than that, the darkness of our pain contrasts the beauty of our joy in a way that only makes the joy all that more valuable.

I have a lot on my mind, and none of it makes sense. I was at the doctor’s office today and my doctor asked me how I was handling things with my mom and I just cried. My little sister is getting better at the piano than I am, and it makes me feel horrible. I’m tired and not feeling well. I’m lonely. I’m frustrated about a boy. I’m missing my dear friend Gretchen. I’m realizing that my best friend is no longer the person I call my best friend. I’m watching my sister grow up. I’m doing calculus homework. I’m noticing that my nail polish doesn’t stay on when I’m stressed, hence why I have to repaint my nails every night.

I’m realizing how great my life is, but how poorly I feel about it. I’m an incredibly blessed human being with great parents, a great situation, living in a privileged country. But I still feel so unhappy. I think that its just the fact that its so much at once. I feel like things all started going wrong at once. And that is when my grip on reality starts to slip.

I’m beyond happy with my life. But at the moment, stuff is hard. I’m just trying to make it all make sense.

Random Fact of the Day- Vincent Van Gough was 37 when he died.

Mission of the Day- Enjoy a piece of art. Whatever kind of art makes you happy.

Love you!

Abby

Day 339

Do you know what I love? Weird, beautiful things.

I bought a book today which is a lost and found book of grocery lists. It’s just a bunch of funny grocery lists that people have found and collected. And I find it so incredibly strange, and so incredibly beautiful in its strangeness. I also bought a book that is full of life’s questions. It’s just colored pages with questions on them.

I love a lot of weird things. In fact, I have a list.

1. Pens that make that sticky sound when you write with them.
2. When you catch the person you’ve been trying to not stare at, staring at you.
3. The sound zhucini makes on your teeth.
4. The smell some people leave behind (this one is hard to explain).
5. Lying on the warm pavement in the pouring rain.
6. Playing the piano with my fingernails painted red.
7. The smell of sunshine.
8. Dancing with inanimate objects.
9. Crunching raspberry seeds between your teeth.
10. Laughing loudly.
11. Wearing tacky sunglasses while wearing my professional looking work clothes.
12. Singing harmony.
13. Being winked at.
14. Driving with friends and singing loudly with the radio.

And tons of other things. It’s those little weird things that make the world so beautiful. Sure, there are big beautiful things like, sunsets, babies, Mozart, human life, and the sun; but so much of what makes life so wonderful is life’s little odd occurrences.

Random Fact of the Day- David Tennant married the actress who played Jenny in “The Doctor’s Daughter.”

Mission of the Day- Make a list of the weird things you love.

Love you!

Abby