Making room. 44 to go…

Have you ever read something at 1:42 am that changes your life?

“This year taught me that my loneliness has more to do with myself than anyone else. The loneliest I will ever be is when I don’t have the strength to love myself.”
-Marianna Paige

I’m sitting here crying over a boy because I’m frustrated and confused and hurt and oh so unsure when I scroll past this on my Tumblr feed. It might as well have been a giant finger pointing at me, a giant neon sign screaming at me:

YOU HAVE NOT HAD THE STRENGTH TO LOVE YOURSELF AND THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT

I’ve been really low, like, really low. I’ve been depressed, unmotivated, and confused. Honestly, I’ve let feeling like this convince me that there was something wrong with me. That I have some incurable illness, or that I’m some freak, or that I’m just weak and therefore less than others. But I’m starting to get it. I haven’t had the strength to love myself. Honestly, I’ve had the strength to do very little for a long time. I’ve been trying to find things to fill this deep lonely hole in my chest: my friends, this boy, a banjo, work, my siblings, Game of Thrones, late nights, my parents and so many other things. I haven’t given myself space to love myself.

I can’t keep living like this. I feel like I’m dying. I need to breathe again.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop listening to happy music and start listening to good music. I’m going to read a book. I’m going to sleep. I’m going to get out of bed before noon. I’m going to cook. I’m going to pray. I’m going to go to church and listen. I’m not going to wear makeup. I’m going to go to the beach and listen to the waves. I’m going to cry if I need to. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to talk to my mom. I’m going to go to the doctor. I’m going to play my banjo. I’m going to clean my room. I’m going to journal a lot.

This song is healing me right now. “Life is not the mountaintops, it’s the walking in between.”

I took a couple of days off of work this week to go on a mini vacation and sort my life out. I’m going to be selfish this week. Maybe I won’t love myself this week, but I’ll make room to try.

How do you get your strength back? You rest and then you take it one step at a time.

Love you!

Abby

Life Keeps Moving On. 90 to go…

This is the playlist I’ve had on replay all day.

Let’s just talk about the words to this song:

Well, here’s the truth
Life sucks sometimes
When it hurts so bad that you can’t go on
Life keeps moving on
……..
And it is beautiful and tragic
Different verse but same old song
Sometimes the only thing you learn is
Is that life keeps moving on
………
When it’s good
When you’re flying higher
When your feet float up above the ground around you
Life keeps moving on

So I wrote a super depressing post last night. I won’t apologize for that. It was sad and pessimistic and brutally honest.

Sometimes I look back at things that I’ve written in the past and I no longer agree with them and I seriously consider going through and weeding out those posts or editing them, but you see, I did believe them. Maybe it was a heartbroken post written in a parking lot, on my cell phone, through teary eyes but that has no effect on the validity of those emotions. There are things that I have written that have been hurtful and have hurt some of my friendships, so I removed those. But I still have access to them. You see, this project isn’t about you. It’s about me. It’s about putting these crazy things that are in my head someplace where I can find them later if I need to. It’s about me reflecting and learning from the feelings and experiences that I’ve had.

It’s obvious that there are a lot of you who find this silly project interesting enough to keep coming back and sending me e-mails and leaving comments and being super supportive and I am so deeply thankful for that.

Now, back to Ben Rector.

I woke up this morning feeling way better than I did last night. I had some time to sleep and let the emotions sort themselves out. I had some time to cry and pull myself back together. So I was still a little sad when I woke up this morning, but I had brain working again. So this song came on and I’ve had it on repeat ever since. I just love the sound of it, but I also love the words.

It’s true. Life does suck sometimes, and sometimes life is absolutely incredible. But the beauty is that life keeps moving on. In the good times and in the bad times. We’re never truly trapped in any moment. Life will always keep moving on.

I love this line:

And it is beautiful and tragic
Different verse but same old song

I love the comparison of life to a song. That life is one song full of different verses and bridges and motifs and lyrics.

I have to go to class, but I felt the need to address this. I need to remember that Life Keeps Moving On. I need to think about it a little more, but I think it belongs on The List Of Things I Believe.

I love you all very very much!!

Abby

Becoming who I am. 265 to go…

There comes a time when you realize that you’re becoming your own person and that you’re becoming an adult.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend of mine and she said to me “I was channeling my inner Abby today.” In response to a funny comment she had made. My response was “You have an inner Abby?” And another friend in the class said “I think we all do.”

I am the chain smoker of tea drinkers. I drink tea like it is going out of style and that has been my thing recently. But it has gotten to a point where people will drink three cups of tea and say to me “I felt like you today.”

I am so incredibly flattered. I have been amazed by how many people actually like this person that I’m becoming (either that, or my patents are paying them all off.) Like most people, I just want to be loved (amen Ben Rector) and I love the love I’m receiving.

We’re gonna get a little personal and talk about my childhood.

Looking back, I was pretty viciously bullied through most of elementary and middle school. I was always the weird girl. I read more than everyone else, I liked math, I spoke Turkish when I was frustrated and I liked to hang out with the boys more than the girls. In middle school I was picked on because of my weight and that really affected me. I don’t really want to talk about that now. Ask me about it some time, if you like. But what I learned through all of that was that the person I was was unlikable.

It’s hard and those are scars I fight everyday in ways I can’t even understand. I’m still very self conscious and insecure about myself and my body and my personality. But I’m finally getting to a place where I’m OK. And OK is good for now. Getting where I am has taken a lot of work. My friends, my faith and my family have played a huge role in that and I’m slowly becoming my own person.

Mission of the Day- Make a wish. I give you permission to make a single free wish at this moment.

Question of the Day- Has this made you think about anything? Share with me!!!

Love you!

Abby

The single romantic and the cat. 297 to go…

More than once, it has been pointed out to me that I am somewhat of a Hopeless Romantic. I’m afraid to say that my friends are probably right. My friends like to make fun of my tendency to say “awwwwww” and “My heart!!” and “I’m dying!!” during sappy parts of movies and plays.

We joke that, for such a Hopeless Romantic, I am also Hopelessly Single. Don’t get me wrong, I am not dying of singleness. In fact, I don’t mind it. But what girl doesn’t want to know that she’s liked? The thing is, I just want other people to be in love. I want there to be love and lots of it. I want other people to have love and be happy even if I end up living with 97 cats (there’s a somebody for everyone. But some people’s somebody is five cats)

I’m the kind of girl who dances around singing This could be love… And If this is love then love is easy… And Falling in love is something… And It’s the way you love me, It’s a feeling like this… And more sappy love songs to my cat who simply gives me a look and walks away. I wouldn’t say that I’m happy-go-lucky, I’m just in love with the idea of being in love. And I’m weird. And I’m emotional. And I’m a girl. And I’m an angsty teenager. Gosh… I don’t have much on my side do I?

Love you!

Abby

Keep the Sunshine in your heart. 300 to go…

“Keep the sunshine in your heart.” These are the words I’ve been repeating to myself since I got home. It rained all day today and it gets dark at five o’clock. Goodness, I hate it. I miss the sun and the breeze. I don’t just miss that short time in Florida, I miss the summer.

Everything seems so free. The romance in the air is incredible, even if you’re a crazy cat lady (like me) and just share that romance with Ben Rector and the Sunshine.

But I continue to try to remind myself to keep the Sunshine in my heart. Because I can’t always see the Sunshine. And I certainly can’t always feel it. I’ve often said that I don’t believe in salmonella poisoning because I’ve never gotten it and I eat raw cookie dough like It’s going out of style. It should be on my list. I’ll add it. But my anyway, my theory is that because I can’t see it and it hasn’t caused me to become deathly ill, it must not exist.

But Sunshine is not salmonella. Because I have to believe in the Sunshine. To enjoy the little pieces of it that exist in a sunny afternoon or my favorite song. The first step in losing your mind is losing hope. I think that is number 28 on the list.

If this is love then love is easy
Its the easiest thing to do
If this is love then love completes me
Cause the proof is i’ve been missing you
A simple equation,
With no complications to leave you confused.
If this is love love love,
Oh it’s the easiest thing to do

I’ve listened to this song at least twenty times today. I have nothing else to say about it except that I wish I could sing this to someone other than my cat.

Question of the Day- how do you keep the Sunshine?

Love you!

Abby

Alaska and wanting. 301 to go…

I wish I knew what to say today. I’ve been reading through some Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns quotes.

Gosh. I forgot how much I want to be Alaska and Margo Roth Spiegelman. To be a girl with streaks to maintain. To be the kind of girl who’s a legend. The kind of girl worth talking about once I’m gone.

Can I be really honest with you? I really don’t think I’m that great. I’m pudgy, awkward, loud, obnoxious, weird, nerdy, clumsy, emotional and a tad bit clingy. I don’t have a cute way of looking out of the corner of my eye, of half smiling, or making literary references that normal people understand. I’m just plain old me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy living the life I’ve been given, but goodness, I find myself aching to be noticed. To have someone to text and to feel giggly around. Someone who makes me smile and who actually likes me.

Isn’t that so human? “I just want to be loved…” Yes Ben Rector, me too…

Question of the Day- what do you want? Like, really, desperately, acheinthestomach want?

Love you!

Abby

Feeling alive. 305 to go…

I think that there are times where we feel more alive than others. Our state of being alive doesn’t change (until we die) but we have highs and lows of existence. And I have something pretty terrible to admit.

Some of the times I feel most alive are when my heart is breaking. It’s not a good sense of being alive, but I’m very much aware of my humanity and the fact that I’m alive. I think that pain has a way of letting us know that We’re alive. You can almost feel your humanity aching in your bones.

But those aren’t the only times when I feel alive. When I’m falling in like (because falling in love is cliche and scary) or sitting in the sunshine or drinking tea and listening to Ben Rector. I feel alive and I feel beauty in that life.

Sometimes, I think we hold on to heartbreak and stress just to feel alive. We have a death grip on our problems because We’re afraid that if we solve them we won’t know what to do with ourselves. I know that I’m guilty of that.

So I’m setting a goal for myself. I want to be a happy person. I want to be that free spirit and that interesting girl. I want to be Alaska and I want to be Margo Roth Spiegelman. So, I’m moving on.

I’ve spent a lot of time stressing over a certain boy over the past couple of months and a different boy over the past couple years. I’ve been Freaking out about college. I’ve been reading sad books and crying into my tea. I need to get some more sleep and I need to breathe more. So I’m going to try doing that. Sure, there is healthy stress and I do need to be thinking about college and such, but I need to do that in a healthy way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Question of the Day- when do you feel most alive?

Mission of the Day- hug a mannequine. Just do it.

Love you!

Abby