That boy. 268 to go…

I could try to be deep and philosophical tonight, but I’m a large sack of emotions at the moment and I’m a little bit useless because of it.

Why is it that the boys I like never like me back??? I meet a boy, have all these weird things in common with him, talk to him a good bit and think he’s interested in me and then he says to a friend of mine (who was not supposed to be talking to said boy about me,) “Eww, no. Why would I like Abby?”

Right in the feels.

I guess there’s something wrong with me, although I didn’t need this to know that.

Maybe I scare people because I’m clingy, or I’m too weird, or too loud, or too ugly, or too awkward, or too emotional or just generally too much.

I feel so stupid for even caring this much about a boy who obviously has no feelings for me and I feel stupid for being this sad that he doesn’t like me. And I feel so stupid for even wanting him to like me. I feel stupid for “liking” at all.

Why can’t I be like every other teenage girl who is either being chased or patiently waiting to be chased by some Charming guy. Maybe I’m just always chasing boys because I’m so emotionally needy… Well at least I’m aware of it 😀

It’s funny, I was taking to this boy that I like I said “Well the boy I like doesn’t even like me anyway.” And he said “Move on, that’s all I can tell ya.” Even he wants me to get over him.

Gah!!!!! Why is being a single, awkward, romantic, needy, teenage girl so hard?

Love you!

Abby

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When was the last time you did something for the first time? 363 to go…

That’s the question. When was the last time I did something for the first time? I really have to think about this one… There have been a couple of things I’ve done recently that I haven’t done in a long time, but something I did for the first time?

I wore a long skirt to school the other day. Like, all the way down to my ankles (in a non-Amish kind of way(why the heck does my phone know the word “non-Amish”?)) I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. I admitted to a boy that I liked him, only because he made me, and I haven’t done that since freshman year. I dressed a manequin. I just took apart a dress and am putting it back together. I went on a date-ish thing with a guy friend of mine (well, it wasn’t a date at all, but it was the first time I ever Hung out with a guy by myself. I know, sad for a seventeen year old.) I drove myself to school. I sang a G flat above high C confidently and loudly in choir (and hit it, I might add)

I don’t know, I’ve done new things but nothing crazy new. Maybe I need to do something…

Something else that’s on my mind. One of my good guy friends answered my question from Day 363, and he said something that got me thinking. Not all boys are trying to be Charming, they’re just trying to be nice and friendly. Now, it would be so much easier to discredit that and say that all boys are jerks who go out of their way to make girl’s lives miserable. But, honestly, I think he’s right (darn him for that) Girls are wired all funny, or at least I am, and maybe what I perceive as charming and attractive is just friendliness.

I’ll admit that most girls have a problem with something like this. When a guy that you find nice, funny and interesting shows some interest in you I think its easier to find them attractive and to deduct more from their actions. Or maybe all boys are evil. Or maybe its a little of both… Who knows.

But I guess I ought to say that I’m sorry for blaming it all on Guys. I was more than a little upset when I wrote that, and I’ll be the first to admit that my emotions get in the way of clear thinking and judgement. Soooooooooooooooooo…. Sorry about that.

Question for the Day- When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Random Fact of the Day- The reason that darker roasts of coffee have larger amounts of caffeine is that the longer the bean is roasted, the smaller it becomes and the caffeine level in the bean doesn’t change. Therefore, because the beans are smaller, it takes a larger number of beans to achieve the same weight meaning more caffeine in the same weight.

Mission of the Day- You have 48 hours to do something for the first time. Don’t waste that. I’ll be doing the same thing.

Love you!

Abby

Day 365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I be really honest right now? I didn’t think I would ever make it this far. Sure, blogging for 365 days sounds like a great idea, but it is hard work my friends. Hard. Work. (obviously, it took me two years to do it.)

Isn’t that crazy? Two years have gone by. That is so much time. So much change. So much learning. And get it has been a blur. One big, noisy, colorful, crazy, beautiful blur.

I don’t really know what to say in this post… This is so beyond weird to me. I guess I’ll talk about change.

I have changed a lot over the past two years. At the beginning of this I was a silly fifteen year old girl who thought too much, believed chemistry would kill her, was unsure of her purpose, was confused by boys, listened to too much music, got in trouble and spent way too much time thinking about a boy with pretty blue eyes who wasn’t worth her time* And now I’m a silly seventeen year old girl who thinks too much, calls herself the Dancing Queen, believes calculus might kill her, is unsure of her purpose in this world, is confused by boys, listens to too much music, gets in trouble and spends WAY too much time worrying about Charming boys who aren’t worth her time** So I guess, I really haven’t changed that much on the outside.

*Side note- I’d like to thank this boy with the blue eyes. He has been a great friend to me over the past four years and has made me think about life and morals a ton. Also, he’s taught me a lot about who I am and what I value. He’s always been there to answer questions about Guys, Life and Stuff, but even more than he answered questions he made me answer my own questions (jerk.) He has also supported me in this crazy endeavor. Obviously how blue eyes (pretty as they are) don’t make me swoon anymore, and when I say he wasn’t worth my time, I mean that my romantic emotional energy was misplaced (hind sight is 20:20) I’m so incredibly grateful for him and his friendship.*

**Second side note- when I say that this Charming boy isn’t worth my time, I mean that one.**

My hair is curly, I’m a little taller, my eyes are greener, my face is clearer, and my legs are longer but the person I say I am hasn’t changed much. But a lot of what drives me has changed. My faith is different, maybe not stronger by some standards, but more weathered and matured. My sense of purpose on this earth has gone from “I have no idea!” to “It is there, finding it is the question.” My knowledge of love is deeper; real, true, sacrificing love. My understanding of friendship and what it means to be a friend is stronger than ever.

I’ve read books that have changed my life, met people who have shaken my world, listened to music that has shaped my thoughts and thought harder than I ever have before.

I know that in two years I’ll look back on this as my nineteen year old self and say “seventeen year old Abby was such a pretentious child!” But why should that discourage me from thinking now?

The way I see it, I’m the oldest and wisest that I’ve ever been in my life at this very moment. And who knows, maybe I’ll get hit by a bus and never get any older or I’ll go off the deep end and never get any wiser. So, I’m going to create and explore and share my crazy thoughts until one of those two things happens, even if I am a pretentious child.

I’m not sure what comes after this. I’m not going to give up writing, It’s the most productive thing I do. But I have a pretty good idea for the next couple of months while I’m in this weird phase of my life.

I want to thank you, I don’t write this for the sake of people reading it, but the fact that so many people choose to read it anyway takes my breath away. I’m so thankful and so blessed. These past two years and 365 posts have been quite the adventure and I’m glad to have had you along for the ride. And my hope is that maybe my silly thoughts have helped you or made you think in some way, even if its learning from my mistakes or stupidity.

Random Fact of the Day- Ancient Egyptians first created the 365 day calendar which was made up of twelve months split into 30 days each with five extra days at the end of the year. The months were divided into three ten day weeks.

Mission of the Day- lick the ceiling. Any ceiling.

Love you soooooooooooooo much!

Abby

Day 363

I don’t care how many times I’ve written about it, I will never stop realizing things about Charming.

Do you know what sucks about Charming boys (and I’m not using “suck” lightly here,)?

It is never just you. NEVER. I don’t consider myself a cynical person, but I have yet to meet a guy who isn’t like this. You are never the only one.

Every girl wants a guy who is going to tell her that she is pretty, desirable, special, and interesting. A guy who’s going to flash her a special smile just for her, and who is going to sit just close enough to brush her arm, and who will make her giggle and blush. I say “every girl” because I really don’t like to be specific about myself, but from what I know it seems like that is what most girls feel.

Anyway, a Charming knows exactly how to do those things. And gosh, it’s the worst. Because a boy who can do that can basically hold my heart in his hand; and that, my friend, is a dangerous thing. Do you know what happens? I’m a smart girl, and I don’t mean that in a cocky way, I know a Charming when I see one. You can just tell. And you know not to get involved with them, and that the emotions just aren’t there for them. And then it happens.

John Green wrote in The Fault in Our Stars “I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.” Now, I’m a sucker for things like that because I think they’re adorable, but in the case of a Charming that is exactly how it goes. You’re just friends and he’s a nice guy, and then you catch yourself looking at him, thinking about him, and thinking that “all the songs make sense,” and you know what has happened. Then comes reasoning. You tell yourself that you’re different (which, if you’re a girl, is the biggest lie you will tell yourself. You are unique and beautiful, but honey, you are not immune to the rules or the pattern,) and that maybe he does like you and so you dwell on that possibility. You invest your emotions, thoughts and time into this boy and then he finds someone more interesting. Or you find out that you’re just one of a few others.

I’m telling you, you’re going to break your heart over a Charming at least once in your life and chances are, it won’t mean a thing to him. And if you’re a girl, I’m so sorry. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to cry and, if you’re anything like me, It’s going to take you an ungodly amount of time to get over it.

I don’t know… I don’t know why they do it. Is there some kind of sick pleasure in that? But I know it hurts. I want to give you hope that not every guy is like that, but the only proof I have is my father (given, he’s great) and that isn’t super relevant to you, or super encouraging. My only words of advice are: Don’t let your mind start to consider the possibilities, because that will be your downfall. And it will be hard, but they’ll claim they’re just being friendly and your mind will have been the source of all the pain (not that they’re guilt free.)

Here’s my question, and if you are a boy you have to either leave me a comment, speak to me in person, Facebook me, text me or find some way to clearly communicate the answer: Why do boys charm girls they’re not interested in? And please answer as specifically and with as much other information as possible.

Random fact of the Day- The word waffle is defined as:
Verb- Fail to make up one’s mind: “Joseph had been waffling over where to go”.
Noun 1. A failure to make up one’s mind. 2. A small crisp batter cake, baked in a waffle iron and eaten hot with butter or syrup.
Adjective: Denoting a style of fine honeycomb weaving or a fabric woven to give a honeycomb effect.

Mission of the Day- if you’re a boy, answer that question. If you’re a girl, share a story with me.

Love you!

Abby

Day 361

What to write about…

You are my summer in the winter time, you are the light that melts my frostbite. Oh, you got the sun beat. Baby, without you I’m obsolete. With you I’m complete.

That’s kind of adorable. Days like this make me swear that Nick Gill is the only man who will sing this song to me, even if he doesn’t mean to.

I have days where I get weirdly depressed and concerned about the pitiful state of my “love life.” Days where I’m left believing that being the Alaska to anyone’s Pudge is an impossibility. Or that a boy finding my quirks charming is just never going to happen. Generally, I start to worry that I’m going to die alone with my 97 cats.

And then there are days when a cute boy with long eyelashes winks at me and I catch him looking at me later and I just can’t help but smile. That’s how this evening went. The impact that has on a girl is ridiculous.

Sometimes I wish I was a reasonable human being with reasonable emotions. I mean, how much easier would that make my life? A ton. I think that as a girl, it’s in my nature to be constantly thinking about boys. But I could get so much more done in my life if I could focus more. I would be a more emotionally steady person and a more satisfied person if Guys weren’t occupying my mind all the time.

Darn you boys. I shake my fist at you for being so charming and attractive.

Love you!

Abby

Day 329

I spent a good bit of my day thinking about Charming, and how Charming boys are the source of so much drama both inwardly and outwardly. And then, as I thought about it, I kinda figured out what lies at the heart of that drama.

Expectation: what you expect or anticipate will occur in a certain situation, relationship or area of life.

If you are like most people on this planet, you have expectations. Often they are high expectations that reflect your hopes and desires. The way you expect a relationship will eventually work out. The way you expect that dress will fit you. The way you expect your job situation to change. The way you expect auditions to go, the way you expect food to taste, the way you expect your parents to make a decision. In all of these areas of life we have expectations. Most of those are for good and positive things (of course there are people we expect to hate, food we expect to br disgusting, and experiences we expect to be unpleasant.) That’s not where the problem lies. Expectations are all well and good until reality occurs.

Reality: what happens.

The problem with reality is that it takes place with no consideration of our hopes, expectations or feelings. Reality exists entirely independently of what I want it to do. So when you hope and dream and expect something to happen chances are reality is going to smack you in the face with something you didn’t want. And when reality fails to meet our expectations, that is where disappointment and pain occur.

So, what is the solution to this problem. Obviously the answer is to become textbook pessimists. The Puddleglums of our time “And it will rain, I shouldn’t wonder.” Set our expectations so low that there is no possible way to be disappointed.

But where is the joy in that? Truthfully there isn’t any. The solution is not to decrease disappointment, but learn how to handle it better. Disappointment is something that is going to always be a part of life, and not knowing how to deal with it is where the drama lies.

So there are my thoughts for the day.

Random Fact of the Day- horses cannot throw up. Girrafes, on the other hand, can. Weird.

Mission of the Day- sit down in a rabdom chair and say “I am the princess of this establishment and I am not moving.”

Love you!

Abby

Day 322

A lot has happened in the past 24 hours. My mom is home and doing pretty well, I’ve gone to work, taken at least 3 maps, gone back to work and done a lot of thinking.

As I told you yesterday the biggest and most constant thing on my mind right now is Guys. I was attempting to explain to someone a couple of days ago all the things girls do to “impress” boys. And I realized how stupid we look. Whether its flipping the hair, laughing loudly, acting stupid, or acting really smart it never quite achieves the desired effect. That’s my quick thought of the day.

Do you know what is a pain? Charming boys. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times. There are a bunch of posts tagged Charming, and it’s a re-occuring theme because they’re everywhere! My problem lies in my stupid emotional nature. I fall in like easily (because falling in love is cliche and scary) and a charming boy has all the right words. So here is my question: how the heck is an emotional girl supposed to deal with a charming boy? Sure, it’s doable, and it’s been done before, but man, it’s rough.

I’ve been thinking about being a Good Girl. There are kids in this world who are dying to lose their Good Girl status. They hate being pastor’s kids, or innocent, or sober, or smart, or kind or whatever. And the problem with those kids is that in an attempt to be less of a Good Girl they become Bad Kids. (I’ll say right now that Good Girl is not gender specific.) I’ve realized something, very few people set out to become Bad Kids. People set out to be fun, interesting, and accepted. And that’s where the problems start. Because seeking acceptance can do crazy things to the best of kids.

Random Fact of the Day- David Tennant became an actor because he loved Doctor Who.

Mission of the Day- what does the color blue smell like?

Love you!

Abby