All of the things. 79 to go…

I need to write. I don’t know what I need to write about, but I need to write.

I’m tired. Really tired. And I know this week is going to be living hell. I have so much work to do this week and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it all happen.

I really miss my friends. I really miss my parents. I really miss Jonathan. I really miss Meesh.

Here’s a thing: I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I call my mom when I need advice. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just weird. I needed boy advice and the only person I could think to call was my mom. And it was nice to get her input.

I love my friends here. I really do. I’m so deeply thankful for them. They’re the kind of people who challenge me but also let me be myself. That means a lot to me.

Fact: It’s impossible to be stressed while drinking tea. You have to sit there, breathe in the wonderful smell of it and let it warm up your hands before you drink it slowly and just let your body absorb all of the magic stored in Tea.

I’ve been listening to this over and over. The chords at the very beginning of the song do something really incredible for my Heart.

Also, the girl in this group does this thing where she sings with one side of her mouth and smiles slightly. It’s not something I can really explain, but I find it really gorgeous and incredibly attractive. I wish my face did that when I sang. My face looks more like this when I sing.

Choir4

These are my gorgeous friends from Cantabile last year after we won an incredible victory. Read about that here

This song. It is the perfect pace to walk to, the words are deeply powerful, the drum part is fantastic, and the chords in the chorus speak to my Soul.

This is a weird post so I’m going to take this time to mention that I’m a lover of the oxford comma. Why doesn’t everyone use it all the time?

I think I’m becoming a feminist. Also, it took me three tries to spell the word feminist.

I’m making adult decisions. Who I’m living with, where I’m living, what I’m studying, who I’m dating, how I spend my time, what the heck I’m doing with my life. It’s weird and I like it, but I’m still not convinced that I’m old enough.

I’m on a kick of playing games from my childhood. Neopets, Howrse and my friend Grace just taught me how to play Pokemon Crystal on my phone. Why did I never play it as a child? Jonathan and I used to watch it in Turkey, but this is crazy fun! Also, I go to a huge nerd school so the easiest way to get weird guys to talk to you is to play Pokemon on a replicator on your smart phone.

Pokemon

(yes, I named my Gastly Farts. I’m six years old. So sue me. Farts is now a level 17. BOOM!)

I’m rereading Looking For Alaska. It felt like the thing to do.

Calculus and Chemistry are going to kill me.

I haven’t done laundry in 4 weeks and I know that the more I put it off the worse it gets. But I just can’t make myself do it.

My back hurts. A lot.

I really wanna be single. Like, for the first time in my life I’m not bitter about being single because for the first time in my life it is on my own account. I’m really just being independent and getting to know people.

Why do people feel like knowing each other for two weeks is a reason to get in a relationship? Sure, everyone’s doing it, that doesn’t make it a good idea.

I always make the phrase “each other” one word the first time I write it and then have to go back in and fix it a minute later. I do it every single time.

Thus far in my life, I haven’t met a Doctor Who fan who I haven’t liked.

I’m in love with this song. I don’t know. I just do. (Do what? That’s not a cohesive sentence.)

I love the idea of being a teenage rebel. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at pictures of #punkdisney on Tumblr and something about it really… I don’t know… it speaks to me… does that sound dumb? Yes. Those aren’t the words I want to say, but they’re the only words I can think of to express what I mean.

Ariel

this. Everything about this.

I love Lucky Charms.

I’m going to bed.

I love you!

Abby

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Reset My Life. 87 to go…

So I wrote about reseting my brain last week and I wanna give you a little update.

I didn’t end up going camping last weekend because it rained all weekend so we ended up just hanging around campus and having fun and being together.

So I’ve come to realize that I’m not reseting my brain, I’m reseting my life. I’m starting from the bottom and tearing it up and replanting the various elements of my life. I mentioned cleaning my Room: that was a big step.

If you know me at all in real life then you know that I’m somewhere between a hurricane and a viking when it comes to the spaces I live in. I just blow through and throw things around and pick up what I need and then blow out. I don’t really live places.

(Meesh once said something hilarious to me. We were having one of those Angsty evenings where we needed to do something and I asked if she wanted to come to my house to watch The Office or something and she said “I don’t wanna go to your house. I feel like I LIVE in Houses.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot. At the time, I knew how she felt and I felt the same way, but I don’t think I do any more. I don’t live in houses. I sleep in houses. I live in the time in between.)

But anyway, I spend more time in my dorm room than I ever did in my room at home, and so it gets dirtier simply because I’m there more and I also am rushing around looking for notebooks, sweaters, my lab coat or any number of crazy things. The fact that my room was a mess was seriously stressing me out. I felt like I couldn’t get work done. My sheets felt dirty and my towels felt grimy. So I washed my laundry, and took everything off of my bed. I also moved my bed frame so that I could sleep on it more effectively and I cleaned everything off of my desk and moved my desk so I can actually use it for Work.

It sounds simple, but even that step just has made my life easier and more relaxed.

I’ve been attempting to cut out all negativity from my life. I took some time to figure out the weird relationships in my life and have taken the time to define them, at least within my own mind if not out loud. I’ve been listening to good music. I’ve read some good books and have been journaling more. I’ve worn my favorite sweater. I’ve been drinking green tea like it’s going out of style. I’ve been doing my homework on time (even early!) I’ve been going to my classes on time (I’ve been 6 minutes late to all of my classes since I’ve gotten here, (which isn’t terrible) but I’ve been making an effort to be on time if not slightly early. I had been stressed about my chem lab because I had been sick and missed a lab and didn’t know how to make it up and if you know me at all then you know that my first thought when I get stressed is “GIVE UP!” so my first reaction to missing lab was “I should probably just skip it for the rest of the semester.” and I had to seriously fight myself on that (good news, I won.)

I’m feeling really good. Life is just so full. I’m working. I’m sleeping. I’m getting stuff done.

I’m just so happy.

Love you!

Abby

Some free time. 94 to go…

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have an 8 am Chemistry class and then an 11 am Biology class and so I have two hours in between them where I’m just too lazy to walk back to my room. So instead of going anywhere I just sit in the Math and Physics study lounge and get work done. I don’t talk to any one, I just listen to my iPod, send e-mails, write blog posts, do homework, drink tea and maybe (if I ever find time) read a book.

I love college life and dorm life, but you never get a minute alone. Not even in the shower (I shower on my own [obviously] but there are three showers next to each other. There’s no way to get a minute alone.) So I’m really enjoying this time to just sit down and productive and to not have to interact with people. Don’t get me wrong, I love people and I love my friends, but I need some time alone sometimes.

I’m a super extrovert. I’m loud, I like people, I would rather be exhausted than miss out on some social opportunity with people that I like. However, I still need time alone. I think that people don’t understand extroverts. They don’t understand that even though we are very socially inclined, we still need moments of peace. I need moments of rest and peace and of being alone.

One thing I don’t need, though, is quiet. I hate silence. I truly do. I don’t know. It’s a weird thing, but silence kinda freaks me out. I sleep with a fan running because I like the sound it makes, I always have music playing even if it’s just classical, I sing to myself in the shower. I just can’t stand silence. Maybe silence would be good for me, but I’m just not there yet.

Off to Bio!!

Love you!

Abby

PS- a guy just walked in wearing a Doctor Who shirt. More and more, I’m convinced that I picked the right college.

Just some random thoughts on relationships. 96 to go…

I’ve got about forty minutes until my next class and so I’m going to write about this thing I believe. It’s a pretty weird thing, but it’s a pretty developed theory that I have that I want to be able to remember some time when I’m old.

I make a very strong effort to not pursue guys who are in relationships and that’s for a couple reasons. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that I’m not interested in being dubbed a home-wrecker, but I have another very distinct reason for this.

I had a really goof guy friend during my junior year who was so sweet to me. He made me smile and made me feel really special and we would flirt all the time and I liked him. Like, really liked him. But he had a girlfriend. It got to a point where he would be flirting with me and I would almost forget that I wasn’t his girlfriend. It got increasingly hard for me to separate myself from him emotionally. And then, one day, after an exceptionally heartbreaking conversation, it occurred to me that he wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to emotionally invest in.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. He’s sweet and kind and an amazing guy in general. We are still good friends and I really enjoy his company, but I couldn’t justify being with him. (There really was no chance of us being together, but when you start to realize how much you like someone, you start to consider what it might be like to be with that person.)

How could he make me feel the way I did when he was with someone else? He made me feel special and like the only girl in the world. He wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend, but she was getting cheated of that attention. Maybe he had no interest in me, but if I was his girlfriend and he was making other girls feel the way he had made me feel, I would be upset. (I don’t know if that made any sense at all. I did my best.) I wouldn’t want the person who I had committed myself to, to be treating other girls the way he treated me.

Maybe that’s selfish. Maybe I’m just a terrible person. Maybe I’m needy. But I believe that relationships like that are important and unique. They deserve respect and a sense of reverence (I know that reverence is the wrong word here. I simply can’t think of what the right word would be. Any help? Also, why is wrong spelled with a “wr” and the opposite [right] isn’t spelled with it? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Write and Wrong? That could be an interesting title for a novel for teenagers.)

SO yea. That’s where my brain is at right now. Any thoughts? You might totally disagree with me, and if you do I would really like to hear why. I’m open to anything. Give me your thoughts!!

Love you!

Abby

random side note- I was tagging this post and I realized that I’ve never tagged something “Emotional Investment” How is that even possible? That’s basically all I ever write about and it’s totally a phrase that I use all the time! What have I been doing???

Sorry for all of the random side notes. My brain is in a billion places at the same time. I’m going to go to class now.

Also, my Chem professor has this super thick Russian accent. It’s like something out of a movie.

OK. I’m done. I swear.

I lied.

Day 365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I be really honest right now? I didn’t think I would ever make it this far. Sure, blogging for 365 days sounds like a great idea, but it is hard work my friends. Hard. Work. (obviously, it took me two years to do it.)

Isn’t that crazy? Two years have gone by. That is so much time. So much change. So much learning. And get it has been a blur. One big, noisy, colorful, crazy, beautiful blur.

I don’t really know what to say in this post… This is so beyond weird to me. I guess I’ll talk about change.

I have changed a lot over the past two years. At the beginning of this I was a silly fifteen year old girl who thought too much, believed chemistry would kill her, was unsure of her purpose, was confused by boys, listened to too much music, got in trouble and spent way too much time thinking about a boy with pretty blue eyes who wasn’t worth her time* And now I’m a silly seventeen year old girl who thinks too much, calls herself the Dancing Queen, believes calculus might kill her, is unsure of her purpose in this world, is confused by boys, listens to too much music, gets in trouble and spends WAY too much time worrying about Charming boys who aren’t worth her time** So I guess, I really haven’t changed that much on the outside.

*Side note- I’d like to thank this boy with the blue eyes. He has been a great friend to me over the past four years and has made me think about life and morals a ton. Also, he’s taught me a lot about who I am and what I value. He’s always been there to answer questions about Guys, Life and Stuff, but even more than he answered questions he made me answer my own questions (jerk.) He has also supported me in this crazy endeavor. Obviously how blue eyes (pretty as they are) don’t make me swoon anymore, and when I say he wasn’t worth my time, I mean that my romantic emotional energy was misplaced (hind sight is 20:20) I’m so incredibly grateful for him and his friendship.*

**Second side note- when I say that this Charming boy isn’t worth my time, I mean that one.**

My hair is curly, I’m a little taller, my eyes are greener, my face is clearer, and my legs are longer but the person I say I am hasn’t changed much. But a lot of what drives me has changed. My faith is different, maybe not stronger by some standards, but more weathered and matured. My sense of purpose on this earth has gone from “I have no idea!” to “It is there, finding it is the question.” My knowledge of love is deeper; real, true, sacrificing love. My understanding of friendship and what it means to be a friend is stronger than ever.

I’ve read books that have changed my life, met people who have shaken my world, listened to music that has shaped my thoughts and thought harder than I ever have before.

I know that in two years I’ll look back on this as my nineteen year old self and say “seventeen year old Abby was such a pretentious child!” But why should that discourage me from thinking now?

The way I see it, I’m the oldest and wisest that I’ve ever been in my life at this very moment. And who knows, maybe I’ll get hit by a bus and never get any older or I’ll go off the deep end and never get any wiser. So, I’m going to create and explore and share my crazy thoughts until one of those two things happens, even if I am a pretentious child.

I’m not sure what comes after this. I’m not going to give up writing, It’s the most productive thing I do. But I have a pretty good idea for the next couple of months while I’m in this weird phase of my life.

I want to thank you, I don’t write this for the sake of people reading it, but the fact that so many people choose to read it anyway takes my breath away. I’m so thankful and so blessed. These past two years and 365 posts have been quite the adventure and I’m glad to have had you along for the ride. And my hope is that maybe my silly thoughts have helped you or made you think in some way, even if its learning from my mistakes or stupidity.

Random Fact of the Day- Ancient Egyptians first created the 365 day calendar which was made up of twelve months split into 30 days each with five extra days at the end of the year. The months were divided into three ten day weeks.

Mission of the Day- lick the ceiling. Any ceiling.

Love you soooooooooooooo much!

Abby

Day 99

Sorry for not writing for a week. You have no idea how long this week has felt. Don’t get me wrong. This has been an amazing week. It has just been a little too long. Thankfully its friday tomorrow!!!! So good! I have been waiting for that day since monday.

I have a large german test tomorrow. Are you ready? I AM READY BABY!!! As in you have no idea how ready i am… hopefully. I also have a chem test tomorrow. Its based off of our lab. Well guess what? We figured out our percent error and it turns out we are -150% wrong… fail at life. Not excited for that test.

So you may be wondering why this week has been so great. Oh you aren’t? TOO BAD! I have been getting in the habit of going to bed around 9:30 and waking up at 6:00. Thats about 8 and 1/2 hours. And sometimes I go to bed earlier than that. And MY ROOM IS CLEAN! like so clean you can see the floor. My bed is made, my homework is done, I have energy. And becaause of this I am able to focus on the things that really are meaningful in my life. I can focus more on God, and more on school, more one friends, unw. My life has been so good because of these small changes.

Random Fact of the Day- In Cleavand Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Mission of the Day- Eat some candy. It will help your soul (well thats my theory anyway.)

Love you very much!

Abby

PS- I am also starting a wire business. If you have any questions at all just drop me a comment. It will make my day. Promise. 🙂

Day 92

So yes, I understand. I was a freshman last year too… but come on! I believe i was pretty awesome (or at least that’s what my friends and I thought) but I am constantly driven insane by a select few freshman who like to talk a little too much… AHHH!

We had Friendzee tonight. Always fun. The Asian baby didn’t cry!!! SUCCESS!! There were only 2 kids so I was able to get my Chem and math homework done… double success. Talked with Forrest about pressure points, talked to Meesh about being lazy (which I am NOT) and got hit with a snow ball by nate… Yes. My life is oh, so interesting!

I don’t remember giving you guys the full story about country meadows yesterday… hmmm… So I was talking to Jean, crazy Jean. And Catherine, Loony Catherine, grabs this guy Ed’s hand and they start basically making out…. ummm… awkward. And then the nurse comes over and says “No Ed, your wife wouldn’t want you to do that!” It was REALLY awkward… and then afterward we went out side and played in the snow and thanks to Tyler I now have a bruised arm from getting hit so hard with a snowball! UH! and then he hit me really hard in the face with a snow ball… It was very mean.

And now my back hurts like… oh I don’t know. Like pain. My right side hurts and my left shoulder hurts so I am horribly imbalanced.

Random Fact of the Day- Today is National Popcorn Day

Mission of the Day- Make popcorn from scratch. And then get it wet (or lick it) and stick it to your face like a beard! So much fun… not that I would know or anything…

Love you!

Abby