Most likely to flirt with underclassmen. 143 to go…

Most likely to flirt with underclassmen. I would be so offended if I didn’t think it was hilarious.

We had our choir banquet today and I got the Most likely to flirt with underclassmen award. See, its funny because the only people I talk to in choir are the freshman and sophomore boys who stand around me.

I guess the reason this bothers me is because I know that you secretly hoped it would bother me. The truth of the matter is that It’s funny and probably true. I would way rather flirt with them than with you. I guess what bothers me is the fact that you are trying to bother me. Here’s a suggestion for you, leave me alone and shut up. It’s pretty obvious that we’ve both moved on in our lives, can we at least be civil towards one another? I give you your space, don’t judge you, don’t interfere in your mess and don’t ask too many question. I’m trying to create this distance that you have clearly demonstrated that you need. Please, if that’s not the case than please let me know.

Love you all!



Cantabile. 154 to go…

I had my last high school choir concert ever tonight. I don’t even know how to put into words how amazing it was. I can’t.

I have sung in various choirs since fifth grade, but over the past two years I have had the incredible joy of singing in my school’s auditioned choir, Cantabile. We have done some amazing things over the past two years but this year has been absolutely incredible. As I wrote about a couple months ago, we placed first in this big competition and we have delivered stellar performances on every account.

I have been so blessed to be in Cantabile and to have made such amazing friends and to have had such incredible experiences with them. I have learned so much both musically and practically. I have grown so much as a musician, leader, person and a friend. I have laughed so much.

I am so deeply grateful for every moment I have gotten to spend with these amazing people. I stand in the middle of 7 freshman and sophomore boys, which I hated at first but have grown love. They make me laugh, brighten my days, finish my song references and constantly encourage me. I love each and every one of you.

Also, there’s my teacher, Mr. Farrell. F-Dog is basically like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He is big, strong, Italian, manly, has a deep voice and is a little scary, but I’m thankful for everything he has taught me. He has believed in me through everything. He has been there to help me with my singing, give me pointers and ask about my life. He has never given up on me and he has given me chances that I do not deserve. He respects me as a student in a way that most teachers don’t and I respect him so deeply. Before our concert, he said to us “For the first time in 13 years I do not want this school year to end.” He then cried as he was telling the audience about us and then he said “And to my seniors… Thank you.” And he was crying. This is the kind of man who wouldn’t even cry if someone he loved died, and here he was, crying for us.

I feel so deeply loved right now. I feel like I’ve done something right, and what’s beautiful is knowing that I didn’t do it alone.

I could write so much about this choir and the amazing people in it, but I will cry if I keep going.

Thank you all. Thank you so much. You mean so much more to me than you will ever know.

Love you!!!


Choir victory. 197 to go…

I wish I knew how to put into words how alive and happy I feel.

This weekend my choir was performing at a large competition that we have competed at over the past couple years. Last year we lost to a particular choir (Let’s call them The Asians,) by one point. And this year we are Grand Champions. FIRST PLACE!!!!

For years my choir teacher, Mr. Farrell, has told us that he doesn’t want the judges to say anything to us and when we finished our first performance in the afternoon our edudicator (or however you spell that,) walked into our room and said: “It is an honor to be in your presence… I have absolutely nothing to say to you… In my thirty years of directing I have never heard anything like that.” I cried…

You see, I have put so much effort into my choir. And I am deeply, emotionally invested in my choir. We shared a musical experience on Saturday that cannot be put into words. For those twenty minutes I was absolutely and completely infinite. It felt like true love. It felt like hope. It felt the way cheesecake tastes. It felt like Christmas morning when everyone is pleasant. It was other worldly.

We scored a high of 99.5 out of 100.

I cried so much. There was just more happiness than I knew what to do with. I felt the joy welling up inside of me. We had done it. Together, we had made something beautiful and earth shattering and heart breaking and life altering. It was the hard work and the agreement to one goal.

Over this weekend I have made some amazing friends. I have gotten to know some of the younger students in my choir and I have been so glad for that. I’ve also begun to learn what it means to let rude judgements roll off of my back.

I want to talk about this for the rest of my life. I need sleep. It’s been a long, emotional, sleepless weekend.

Love you!!!!!!!!!!


Day 248

It’s funny how much a word can hurt. How much weight they carry. I don’t think that we’re fully aware of the power we have over other people. Words can crush a soul, and words can put  you on top of the world. So, in my life I’m going to be more careful with my words. You can’t change other people, but you can change your actions. And sometimes words stop mattering.

There is so much to care about in the world. So many people to worry about, so much homework to do, so many news articles to read, so many tests to study for, so many relationships to maintain, so much mental health to protect (what little is left any way) and so many friends to take care of. You have to choose what you care about, what you put effort into. A person is only so big, there is only so much you can wrap your mind around. So I choose the people, I choose my friends, I choose my little sister, I choose my school work. Sometimes my room’s not clean. And sometimes I don’t remember what I was supposed to do. But I do my best. I’m not perfect, but in a world where you have to decide what is most important I do a pretty good job of prioritizing. Because truthfully my room is only where I sleep, my relationships are where I live.

This weekend my choir sang at a festival and we did amazing. And I have never been so proud. Mr. Farrell, our choir director, was telling us how proud of us he was. He said it was one of the top 2 moments in his teaching career. I almost cried, it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, and he wasn’t even talking directly to me.

I haven’t been feeling well. Neither physically or emotionally. I just feel as though there is something wrong and I just am not sure what. I’m doing my best to get by, and I know that like will be OK in the end. Mreh, I just want to sleep forever.

Random Fact of the Day- Cats have 5 toes on their front paws and only 4 on their back paws. Weird.

Mission of the Day- Consider what you would do without one of your toes.

Love you!


Day 247

So, last night I was at the midnight premier of the Hunger Games, hence me not writing last night. I thought the movie was pretty fantastic, although I was totally exhausted afterward (which is to be expected when you stay up all night)

Today I’m in New Jersey with my choir friends, oh the wonderful joys. 🙂 Got up this morning (after about three hours of sleep) and ran off to school to take a Physics test and then went to study hall to learn some Russian for choir. We sang at the capital today in the rotunda and that was lovely. We all ate lunch and talked and had much fun. Then we took a three-ish hour bus trip to New Jersey, sang, played Ninja, and then ran off to the mall for dinner and some shopping. Spent some time just looking around, laughing and the such as. Then we went off to our hotel, got settled in our room, watched some hysterical YouTube videos, and swam. All in all it has been a really fun day and I have really enjoyed my self.

I haven’t had much time to think recently, I’ve been running around a lot. But there is one thing that has been on my mind for a while now. “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” Its something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past couple of weeks. I think every girl wants to be chased, but I thinking striving after that desire isn’t the way to live. So, yea.

Random fact of the day- hippos can crush a watermelon with one bite. (thanks Mallory)

Mission of the day- sleep. Sleep for me. I need it.

Love you,

Day 241

I’ll be the first to admit that I hate silence. I come home from school and the first thing I do is turn up my music or burst into a song or rap about celery, but I’m starting to see the beauty in silence.

In choir we do this exercise where our student teacher says one thing and we repeat it back while he’s saying something else at the same time and then we have to repeat that as he says something new. So essentially you are listening and speaking at the same time. It’s a pretty difficult thing because you’re trying to concentrate on two very different things at one time, and I realized the other day that this exercise is life. We’re constantly trying to do something while keeping up with the next thing at the same time. When I’m doing that exercise I often mess up what I am saying because I am so focused on what it is that I will have to do next. Concentrating on making noise and hearing noise and making sense of it all at the same time. I often fail in the present because I’m worried about what I’m going to do in the future. I’m constantly observing and taking place in a noise of some sort, whether that’s blasting music, talking, playing the piano, watching TV, reading a book, or clicking a pen.

So, why do I hate silence so much? Why do we as a culture hate silence so much? We can’t shop in silence, we can’t drive in silence, we can’t walk in silence, we can’t eat in silence, we can’t even sleep in silence (maybe that’s just me. I’ve always had to sleep with a fan on so that a serial killer couldn’t whisper in my ear as I slept, weird I know) We’re constantly flooding our world with a constant noise that drowns out the sound of our own thinking.

Silence is really revealing. In silence there is nothing to do but sit there and listen. To reflect on yourself. In silence we often realize how small and insignificant we are. When we’re silent we realize that even if we did speak, there would be no one to hear us. When we’re silent we have to face the music of our conscience. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes it makes us want to hide. You’re so much more aware of when you’ve done something wrong when it’s silent. I’ll go back to a choir analogy. When you’re singing in a large group of people and suddenly your voice cracks and you make a funny sound, chances are no one is going to hear you. When you are standing on a stage, spot light on you, singing a Capella and your voice cracks and you make a funny sound, everyone is aware of it. When we screw up within the safety of our noise, we can get by with only the person in front of us noticing that our voice cracked. But when it’s silent we notice all the things that we have screwed up, and that hurts.

I think that deep down we’re all aware of how messed up we are. Of how not right we are. How not normal we are. But then there is the noise, and in that noise everyone is messed up, and everyone is not right, and our collective not-normal-ness makes us feel normal. That’s why we love songs about heartbreak, and songs about bitterness, songs about deep-seated anger; they make our non-normal-ness normal. So we hold on to that noise, and we hide in it, and we find the noise that fits us and fits our style or non-normal-ness and we camp out there. Our noise is made up of the people we hang out with, the music we listen to, the books we read, the television we watch, the friends we text, the attractive British Youtubers that we follow so creepily, the blogs we read, and the fans we turn on to avoid the serial killers.

But have you ever noticed how people respect silence? When you walk into a store and there is no background music, and there is no one talking what do you do? You remain silent. When a room falls silent we sit there in anticipation. When the final note of the symphony is played we hang in the awe of that silence. When we walk through an empty field, we simply observe. It’s as though we know. We know that silence is not bad, we know that there is something refreshing about escaping the noise, about hearing the birds and feeling the wind. But how long does that last? A minute? Maybe 10? Or maybe just 30 seconds.

A room gets too silent and people start whispering, or we walk into a quiet store and pull out our phones to make us feel less alone. Hmmmm… maybe it’s the alone factor. I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you a definite reason why we’re all so afraid of silence. I know why I am, and I think we all have our own reasons for avoiding that silence.

I’m seeing the beauty in silence. It’s so hard to listen and speak at the same time. And I need to do more listening in my life. I talk a lot. I’m good at it, and I like it. But today I sat in the sunshine and listened to the birds sing and realized that it was just wonderful to be alive, and be in the world. Not be filling it with more noise of my own, but just listening in anticipation. I don’t know what I was waiting for, (I’m not usually a very good wait-er,) but I got up and went inside feeling refreshed.

Random Fact of the Day- Swearing helps reduce pain. SERIOUSLY? I’m willing to bet that it’s an mental thing.

Mission of the Day- Listen.

Love you!


PS- I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s way nicer than the one I actually applied for. The woman I interviewed with said that she had all the positions filled so she called a guy who works in the Circular dining room and said that I was a perfect fit for the job and that he needed to offer me a position. So…. wow… I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. I’m just really really happy with life. It’s not perfect, but it sure is beautiful.

Day 112

Blarg… my head hurts 😦 For whatever reason my head, neck, shoulders, and hips have been causing me pain over the past couple of weeks. I have a constant head-ache. ERG! Makes me want to scream.

I just had my first  concert in Cantabile. Since I haven’t written since last year you might not know that I finally made it into the auditioned choir at my school. It has been really amazing. I have so much fun I stand next to this guy named Drake, and in front of my friend Matt. Crazy fun! Today we played ninja. Always good. Of course I won. 😀 It has been a real growing experience for me thus far. Both helping me to grow in my skills but also helping me grow my confidence. It has helped me to know better that I am in that choir for a reason and that I have something to contribute, and that I must have at least a sliver of talent. Not things that I am naturally inclined to believe.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently. One of the conversations I had with my girls over the weekend was about being exclusive with your friends. And I’ve realized that it’s OK to not tell all of your friends everything. For me I have a pretty close group of friends (3-4) who I tell almost everything. But even within that group there are certain things that I tell certain people. I mean I only tell one of those friends about my boy problems. And I think it’s because I connect with them on that plane of thinking. But a friend got upset with me today because I didn’t want to tell her about a boy, and I just realized that it is OK to keep somethings to yourself. I’m not saying you should stuff emotions, but she said to me “It’s not healthy [for you to not tell me]” but it is perfectly OK.

Listened to the song Hank several times today

Go and find a girl for whom your love is selfless, someone who makes you helpless, to change the way you feel. But stay away from girls who always look so pretty, who’s hearts just aren’t fitting for the man in you I see. Would you remember that for me?

Just seems like such solid advice.

Random Fact of the Day- Today is “National Share a Poptart with Someone You Love Day”

Mission of the Day- Share a poptart with yourself. You should love yourself.

Love you!