Why I don’t talk about boys. 151 to go…

Can you just put your arm around me everyday? It felt so incredibly right.

Meesh had to drag out of me what boy it is that I’ve been writing about and there is a reason for that. I find the weirdest things attractive and I think so deeply about such silly things. I am so deeply afraid of people judging me for that. I really am. And it is so easy for me to hide my emotions around someone ad long as I am the only one who knows how I truly feel, but it is so much harder when someone else knows.

That’s another fear I have, one that’s a little more reasonable. I am afraid of people finding out that I like them. I have had so many experiences in which I have fallen in Like with a boy and thought that he liked me too and then as he pressured me to tell him who I liked and I relented and said that it was him I was shot down. Seriously. It has happened so many times.

Gosh. That sucks. It really does. It hurts so deeply and you feel so stupid for believing for even a moment that you were the one.

I spent all summer talking to a boy who I really liked. I used to stay up to ungodly hours just to text him and I liked him more than I can explain. I relied on his consistency and his ability to make me laugh and the way he made me feel beautiful. Well, after a long time of him trying to get me to say who I liked I just admitted to him that it was him. His response: “I know.” He never said “Oh, I like you too!” or “Oh, well I like Sally.” No. He acted like it hadn’t happened.

I was really broken for a long time after that “relationship” ended because it had only been real to me. It had meant so much to me and he had meant so much to me and I had meant so little. In fact, I’m sure he would say that it didn’t mean anything. I felt so stupid. I had cared, despite my better judgement and I had believed him, despite my previous experiences.

That’s why I don’t talk about it. This is a sacred space for me and this is different. But I can’t talk about it with people. Because that feeling of hear break, stupidity, naivete and disappointance is so unbearable. I’d rather just live with my feelings in my head.

I had a very good guy friend who would always say to me that to get what you want, you have to ask. He used to say “would you rather ask him out or be alone?” I stick by my answer of admiring from a far and being alone.

Love you!



500th post. What??? 230 to go…

This is my 500th blog post. Fhsogdkwuzkdyvdjskixsosf… I mean, what??? How is this even real life?

This blog has been an incredible haven for me. A place for me to be real and to say all the stupid things that are floating around in my head. The number of people who have supported me has been incredible and has been such a blessing.

I’m often criticized for being an angsty teenager who does nothing but write about boys. You may be wrote, but here’s he thing: every person has a story. Some people journal, some people vlog, some people take pictures, some people scrapbook and then there are people like me who blog.

I’m so full of stupid mistakes and I am a strong believer in learning from the experiences of others, so that is why I write. So that my stupidity and my mistakes and my heartbreak and my disappointments may be for your benefit.

Right now I am wrestling through my faith and through who I am, I’m thinking about boys and how I need to go about dealing with my emotions, but through these 500 blurbs about my life I have learned so much and I hope to continue to learn.

Love you! And thanks always


I’m OK. 246 to go…

I’m so sorry about that. I really don’t react well to disappointment. In fact, I react rather poorly.

I’m really upset about this opportunity bring gone, but I have dreams. I’m going to become a healthier person: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I obviously have a lot on my mind, but I needed to say that I’m going to be OK.

Love you!


Dying butterflies. 287 to go…

Do you know what I hate? Human emotion. (although, apparently I love rhetorical questions) I hate that tendency to get excited and assume the best. When that boy says something that you hope is directed towards you, or when your parents hint at a surprise and you assume It’s a puppy, or anything else.

Gosh, that feeling of hope that builds up is so beautiful. And then, suddenly, all of that hope is crashing into the ground. All of the happy butterflies in your stomach die at once and hit you right in the gut. That’s what disappointment feels like. Like a thousand beautiful things just dying because… Just because.

I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, at the root of every heart break is some sort of disappointment.

Random Fact of the Day- Astronauts took Silly Putty with them into space. Can you blame them? Silly Putty is awesome!!

Love you!!


Emotional attachment sucks. 332 to go…

I don’t have anything particularly great to say today.

I spent a good amount of time today thinking about a boy. I sat down and read through a bunch of our old text messages and just got lost in the butterflies in my stomach. And then suddenly I thought to myself “what the heck is wrong with you? You are making yourself miserable over a boy you cannot have. You are dwelling on one sides emotions and you need to suck it up.”

I do that a lot. I’m the type of girl who gets emotionally attached to her socks, when you spend that much time emotionally investing into a certain person and perceiving that that emotional connection is mutual, you get attached. You become dependent.

And, gosh, I hate dependence. I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man… At least, that’s what I tell myself… But when that relationship changes it really messes with you. I don’t know how to function or be around this guy any more because things are different.

Do you know what the problem with girls is? It’s that we’re all convinced that we are special. That he will change for us, or that, even though he doesn’t like girls like us, that he’ll make an exception. That he won’t hurt us, that we won’t get emotionally attached, that it won’t be weird. And then we end up disappointed when our assumption that we are different is proven false. 6. At the source of every emotional pain is some sort of disappointment.

A very dear guy friend of mine and I were talking about homecoming and he said “well why don’t you just ask somebody?” And I said “heavens no!” And he said “why not just ask someone and be happy instead of sitting around and being unhappy?” This made me think.

I’m not unhappy. I just want to know that I’m somewhat likable and that someone would want to go with me. But I’m not unhappy. His assumption was that, if I went on my own, I would be upset. Sure, I would and will be a little sad when no one asks me, but I’ll be ok.

We’re all so afraid of rejection that we do nothing. At least, that’s how I roll.

I did something a little crazy the other day. I made a move. Given, it was a lame move and its not really a guy a like, but it was a move.

Mission of the Day- make that move. Make the move you’ve been waiting for or that you’ve been too scared to make. Set yourself for the biggest, grandest, scariest rejection you can and just do it. Don’t question me, just do it. No excuses.

Love you!


If you think life is hard, what are you comparing it to? 339 to go…

I had one of those days where driving through a stop sign while cars were coming seemed like a good idea (obviously I didn’t since I’m writing this, but you know what I mean) I felt so overwhelmed and so hurt and so alone and so unloved… I just wanted to curl up and cry. No tea, no music, no hugs, just cry. But, unfortunately, being a functional human being means not crying all day. So I sucked it up (mostly)

I don’t know how to answer this question… Because, honestly, I know that life isn’t too hard. I have it good, and I know it. Or at least I thought I did. I’m realizing more and more how much this life I live is falling apart.

I’m a pastor’s kid. Nothing bad ever happens to pastor’s families right? Wrong. My mom is sick and can’t work. Our stupid cars all decided to stop working at once and cost us thousands of dollars. I’m seriously worried about my younger brother and how he’s doing socially and school wise. My dad is stressed and worried about my mom. I’m not doing so hot in school. My best friend’s dad has cancer. My other best friend is far away and moving on. I’m starting to worry that I’m seriously depressed (or maybe just an angsty teenager. You can never tell,) and a bunch of other things I can’t say here.

I sometimes think my life is hard, but what am I comparing it to? Not to starving people’s lives. Not to Job’s life. Not to my friend’s lives. No. I’m comparing it to how I feel inside. I’m comparing it to how I feel about the state of my life. And obviously my feelings are more than slightly off balance at this point.

I think that when we believe our lives are hard that we are comparing our lives to what we think they should be. To our expectations and desires. Number 6 on the List of Things I Believe is: at the heart of every heartbreak is some sort of disappointment. Disappointment is just expectations not being met. And that’s when we believe our lives are hard.

Question of the Day- If you think life is hard, what are you comparing it to?

Random Fact of the Day- Fraternities can live in “houses” but Sororities must live on “floors” because if they lived in a “house” it could be considered a brothel… Weird.

Mission of the Day- Speak like a whale.

Love you!


Day 329

I spent a good bit of my day thinking about Charming, and how Charming boys are the source of so much drama both inwardly and outwardly. And then, as I thought about it, I kinda figured out what lies at the heart of that drama.

Expectation: what you expect or anticipate will occur in a certain situation, relationship or area of life.

If you are like most people on this planet, you have expectations. Often they are high expectations that reflect your hopes and desires. The way you expect a relationship will eventually work out. The way you expect that dress will fit you. The way you expect your job situation to change. The way you expect auditions to go, the way you expect food to taste, the way you expect your parents to make a decision. In all of these areas of life we have expectations. Most of those are for good and positive things (of course there are people we expect to hate, food we expect to br disgusting, and experiences we expect to be unpleasant.) That’s not where the problem lies. Expectations are all well and good until reality occurs.

Reality: what happens.

The problem with reality is that it takes place with no consideration of our hopes, expectations or feelings. Reality exists entirely independently of what I want it to do. So when you hope and dream and expect something to happen chances are reality is going to smack you in the face with something you didn’t want. And when reality fails to meet our expectations, that is where disappointment and pain occur.

So, what is the solution to this problem. Obviously the answer is to become textbook pessimists. The Puddleglums of our time “And it will rain, I shouldn’t wonder.” Set our expectations so low that there is no possible way to be disappointed.

But where is the joy in that? Truthfully there isn’t any. The solution is not to decrease disappointment, but learn how to handle it better. Disappointment is something that is going to always be a part of life, and not knowing how to deal with it is where the drama lies.

So there are my thoughts for the day.

Random Fact of the Day- horses cannot throw up. Girrafes, on the other hand, can. Weird.

Mission of the Day- sit down in a rabdom chair and say “I am the princess of this establishment and I am not moving.”

Love you!