Can you just put your arm around me everyday? It felt so incredibly right.
Meesh had to drag out of me what boy it is that I’ve been writing about and there is a reason for that. I find the weirdest things attractive and I think so deeply about such silly things. I am so deeply afraid of people judging me for that. I really am. And it is so easy for me to hide my emotions around someone ad long as I am the only one who knows how I truly feel, but it is so much harder when someone else knows.
That’s another fear I have, one that’s a little more reasonable. I am afraid of people finding out that I like them. I have had so many experiences in which I have fallen in Like with a boy and thought that he liked me too and then as he pressured me to tell him who I liked and I relented and said that it was him I was shot down. Seriously. It has happened so many times.
Gosh. That sucks. It really does. It hurts so deeply and you feel so stupid for believing for even a moment that you were the one.
I spent all summer talking to a boy who I really liked. I used to stay up to ungodly hours just to text him and I liked him more than I can explain. I relied on his consistency and his ability to make me laugh and the way he made me feel beautiful. Well, after a long time of him trying to get me to say who I liked I just admitted to him that it was him. His response: “I know.” He never said “Oh, I like you too!” or “Oh, well I like Sally.” No. He acted like it hadn’t happened.
I was really broken for a long time after that “relationship” ended because it had only been real to me. It had meant so much to me and he had meant so much to me and I had meant so little. In fact, I’m sure he would say that it didn’t mean anything. I felt so stupid. I had cared, despite my better judgement and I had believed him, despite my previous experiences.
That’s why I don’t talk about it. This is a sacred space for me and this is different. But I can’t talk about it with people. Because that feeling of hear break, stupidity, naivete and disappointance is so unbearable. I’d rather just live with my feelings in my head.
I had a very good guy friend who would always say to me that to get what you want, you have to ask. He used to say “would you rather ask him out or be alone?” I stick by my answer of admiring from a far and being alone.