All of the things. 79 to go…

I need to write. I don’t know what I need to write about, but I need to write.

I’m tired. Really tired. And I know this week is going to be living hell. I have so much work to do this week and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it all happen.

I really miss my friends. I really miss my parents. I really miss Jonathan. I really miss Meesh.

Here’s a thing: I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I call my mom when I need advice. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just weird. I needed boy advice and the only person I could think to call was my mom. And it was nice to get her input.

I love my friends here. I really do. I’m so deeply thankful for them. They’re the kind of people who challenge me but also let me be myself. That means a lot to me.

Fact: It’s impossible to be stressed while drinking tea. You have to sit there, breathe in the wonderful smell of it and let it warm up your hands before you drink it slowly and just let your body absorb all of the magic stored in Tea.

I’ve been listening to this over and over. The chords at the very beginning of the song do something really incredible for my Heart.

Also, the girl in this group does this thing where she sings with one side of her mouth and smiles slightly. It’s not something I can really explain, but I find it really gorgeous and incredibly attractive. I wish my face did that when I sang. My face looks more like this when I sing.


These are my gorgeous friends from Cantabile last year after we won an incredible victory. Read about that here

This song. It is the perfect pace to walk to, the words are deeply powerful, the drum part is fantastic, and the chords in the chorus speak to my Soul.

This is a weird post so I’m going to take this time to mention that I’m a lover of the oxford comma. Why doesn’t everyone use it all the time?

I think I’m becoming a feminist. Also, it took me three tries to spell the word feminist.

I’m making adult decisions. Who I’m living with, where I’m living, what I’m studying, who I’m dating, how I spend my time, what the heck I’m doing with my life. It’s weird and I like it, but I’m still not convinced that I’m old enough.

I’m on a kick of playing games from my childhood. Neopets, Howrse and my friend Grace just taught me how to play Pokemon Crystal on my phone. Why did I never play it as a child? Jonathan and I used to watch it in Turkey, but this is crazy fun! Also, I go to a huge nerd school so the easiest way to get weird guys to talk to you is to play Pokemon on a replicator on your smart phone.


(yes, I named my Gastly Farts. I’m six years old. So sue me. Farts is now a level 17. BOOM!)

I’m rereading Looking For Alaska. It felt like the thing to do.

Calculus and Chemistry are going to kill me.

I haven’t done laundry in 4 weeks and I know that the more I put it off the worse it gets. But I just can’t make myself do it.

My back hurts. A lot.

I really wanna be single. Like, for the first time in my life I’m not bitter about being single because for the first time in my life it is on my own account. I’m really just being independent and getting to know people.

Why do people feel like knowing each other for two weeks is a reason to get in a relationship? Sure, everyone’s doing it, that doesn’t make it a good idea.

I always make the phrase “each other” one word the first time I write it and then have to go back in and fix it a minute later. I do it every single time.

Thus far in my life, I haven’t met a Doctor Who fan who I haven’t liked.

I’m in love with this song. I don’t know. I just do. (Do what? That’s not a cohesive sentence.)

I love the idea of being a teenage rebel. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at pictures of #punkdisney on Tumblr and something about it really… I don’t know… it speaks to me… does that sound dumb? Yes. Those aren’t the words I want to say, but they’re the only words I can think of to express what I mean.


this. Everything about this.

I love Lucky Charms.

I’m going to bed.

I love you!



OTPs. 285 to go…

I wish I knew how to explain to you how I feel. I’m thinking about a boy, I’m thinking about this other boy, thinking about my mom, thinking about school, thinking about my brother, but mainly I’m thinking about OTPs.

An OTP is your One True Pairing (for those of you who are unfamiliar with Tumblr lingo) and your OTP is the two people you want to be in a relationship most. My OTP is the Tenth Doctor and Rose Tyler. But I also have an IRL (in real life) OTP: Two of my friends who are incredibly adorable together. And I was informed recently that I am one half of my friend’s OTP. Me and this boy. Mreh.

But I’ve been thinking about why we have OTPs. Why we want some people together. Jim and Pam. Shawn and Jules. Rory and Amy. Eleven and Riversong. Charming and Snow. It all comes back to my desire for love and lots of it. I want people to love one another. As a girl, there is a weird joy in watching people in relationships (there’s also a hate if said girl is single.) We get a weird sort of secondhand love radiation. As a single girl, if I can’t be in love and loved in return then I want to see other people in love.

This isn’t always true. There are always those bitter freaks who want no one to have love since they cannot have it. That’s just hateful. Jerk. If you’re like that, then stop. Just spread the love.

Love you!!


The joys of good girl fun. 290 to go…

I often joke about my GoodGirl status and my poor luck with boys. Seriously, I haven’t had a boyfriend since freshman year (and I’m not sure that even counts) the only alcohol I’ve ever had was when I accidentally picked up my mom’s glass of red wine thinking it was coke (I was wrong) the only time I’ve ever taken a cigarette was from my grandmother and that’s when she was trying to quit so her cigarettes were caramel-apple lollipops. I’m generally a good kid. Some times It’s maddening, but most days I love it.

Today, I spent my evening with my dear friend Gretchen (Gretch, when I typed “dear” it autocorrected to “dead” Merp, that would have been awkward) we watched a few episodes of Doctor Who and ate ice cream and held hands during the scary parts and then we found a bag of crazy colored makeup and we made ourselves look hilarious. Seriously, just ridiculous. And we did it for the sake of laughter and fun. That’s the kind of fun I love, he kind of fun I live for.

I can hear the wind blowing outside, I’m cuddled up with my fluffy blanket, listening to Bing Crosby’s Christmas album and writing a blog post. So many things that I love. I love so many little things.

Tea cups.
Manual cars.
Doctor Who.
Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
The way my moisturizer makes my face feel.
Sleeping with my ceiling fan on.
Making long, ridiculous lists.
Taking my contacts out at the end of the day.

Question of the Day- What makes you happy? Seriously happy.

Love you!!


As it ends. 307 to go…

I’m sooo tired, but I need to write today.

I’ve had an incredibly emotional day. The play ended yesterday and I’m just living in a state of shock now that It’s over. You have to understand, this drama team is my thing. Something that has been incredibly influencial in my life. A place where I’m home and a place where I’m safe. I’ve spent countless hours over the past four years with that group. The contents of the group has shifted through the years, but the meaning has not. But this last production has been something unique. For the first time, I’m not on the bottom of the food chain. In fact, I’m almost at the top. I’m a senior. And that’s a little crazy. But I’ve formed bonds with these people unlike anything I can describe. I can’t remember the last time I cared for a group of people this much (that’s a lie, but It’s been a long time.) I’ve been so touched by each and every person there.

Now, We’re at the end. I feel as though I’ve lost something. I’ve lost that time with those people, those opportunities to be with them, the anticipation of the dark behind stage, the ridiculous amounts of lip stick, the pizza, the “EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!!” moments. But more than that, I’ve lost the person that I got to be. Number five on the List of Things I Believe is “everything in our lives changes us” and number fourteen is “you are never the same person twice” and I believe that.

I’ve been so full of emotions that I can’t explain. Today I sat in my car and cried while listening to “Call Me Maybe…” I’m straight up losing it. I tried to explain to my parents why I was so upset and it mostly came out like this: “I just… I’m… Gah… *sob* I’M UPSET!!” I couldn’t even put words to it. And the problem is, I don’t even understand it myself. I think I need more sleep.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking but, unfortunately, none of it makes sense. Thoughts on this boy, thoughts on Doctor Who, thoughts on politics, thoughts on college *shudder* thoughts on parents, thoughts on being a senior and growing up. So many thoughts and so many feels…

Random Fact of the Day- emus cannot walk backwards.

Mission of the Day- Create a dance move called The Backward Emu. Show it to me ay some point.

Question of the Day- What’s on your mind recently?

Love you!


312 to go…

Quite honestly, I don’t know what to write about. I’m tired and I’ve had two days off for hurricane Sandy, but I have to go to school tomorrow (bleh)

I’ve had a bit of an emotional weekend. I finished season six of Doctor Who, which is the last season on netflix and I’m actually pretty broken up about it. I feel like I’ve lost something. My ability to feel emotionally connected to fictional characters is unparalleled.

But also, I am in a play with some very good friends of mine and we’ve had a good amount of practice recently. There is one scene that I play a pivotal role in that just breaks my heart every time. We practiced it a bunch of times tonight and I just had to cry afterward. I’m not saying what it is in case you’re coming to see the show.

I have a bunch of things to say, but they’re mostly about various boys and I’m not ready to just dump all of that right here.

Love you!

Mission of the Day- make funny faces in the mirror for a few minutes.


Teach me to Emotional Health? 313 to go…

I’ve written two different posts and deleted them at this point. I’m tired and a little emotional. I just finished the last episode of Doctor Who that is on Netflix and it’s an emotional moment. Judge me if you’d like, but it’s my mind.

I’ve got a thousand things running through my head and I’m almost positive that none of them make any amount of sense.

Perhaps I’m just tired and emotionally compromised. That’s generally the case.

I’ve been thinking about emotional health. We talk a lot about physical and mental health and I worry a good bit about my own mental health, but what about emotional health?

Sometimes I get the sense that I’m sabotaging my own emotional health. I allow myself to hope for things. I allow myself to get carried away in my day dreams. I listen to One Direction and hope that someone some where would think that of me. I sing about love that doesn’t exist. I empathize with characters I don’t understand. I read farther into things than I ought to. I reread old text messages. I repin cute pictures. I reblog sweet sayings. I hope and I hope and I hope and I hope and I set my self up for all sorts of failure… and then I’m utterly shocked and crushed when (not if) I fall.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, at the root of most heartbreaks is an unmet expectation. And I’m a girl full of hopes and expectations. But aren’t we all?

I think we all are guilty of hoping for unrealistic things. Of dreaming unspeakable dreams. Isn’t that what makes us human? Our capacity to hope and love and dream.

Question of the Day- What do you think makes us human?

Love you!


Hazel, pedophilic swing set, Amy Pond. 315 to go…

“You know when, sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad; they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.” -Amy Pond

So, I posted this on Facebook earlier this week and as I was driving a friend home the next day she said to me “Did you post that about Perf Boy” (which is a name my friend Monica has taken to calling a certain boy I’m vaguely interested in.) And I said to her, in complete honesty “No, I just really likes the quote.”

But it occurred to me later that, even if I hadn’t meant it to be about any body at all, it was applicable.

You see, my lovely friend Meesh and I have very different thoughts about things. We’re incredibly different from one another and have a very difficult time agreeing on things (don’t get me wrong, I love her and she’s one of my best friends, we’re just different.) So, she made me tell her who Perf Boy was and her reaction was, and I quote, “EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!” Most girls would be offended by a reaction like this. I, on the other hand, was prepared for that.

The thing is, (and this isn’t just about Perf Boy, It’s applicable to most people,) It’s something about a person’s personality that makes you love them. Their quirks, the way they laugh, their sense of humor, their talents, their flaws, the way they look at you. All of it. You just grow to love those little things. Because those are the things that make a person who they are.

I’ve met plenty of beautiful people with no personality. But I’ve also met my fair share of average people who I love, simply because they are themselves. I’m so in love with people who are so… Themselves.

It reminds me of a quote from The Fault in Our Stars “Your are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” Augustus says this to Hazel after she coins the phrase “lonely, vaguely pedophilic swing set seeks the butts of children.” Augustus doesn’t love her because she’s beautiful (even though, darn her, she is) he loves her because ” That’s why I like you. Do you realize how rare it is to come across a hot girl who creates a adjectival version of the word pedophile?”

I cried. I’ll admit it. I want to be loved the was Augustus loves Hazel Grace…

But that is also how I want to love others.

Love you,