Update. 32 to go…

The past month and a half has been absolutely mad. I’ve been incredibly busy with school work, friends, and work. I’ve also been working through some issues in my life and between all of this I haven’t had the time or desire to write. I’ve also been trying to process through things on my own before I share them with the whole world. I guess this is what growing up is about. So here’s a little update on my life since early November.

I took my finals and finished the semester with a bang. It was a lot of work but I’m really proud of how I ended the semester and of the grades I got.

I went home for the first time all semester for Thanksgiving and had the most amazing time with my family and my friends. I have never been more thankful to be home in the warm arms of the people I love the most.

1799148_10153372325609972_2794151191504010471_oMe and my three best friends: my siblings.

My wonderful boyfriend came and stayed with me for a week before finals. We had an amazing time just being together, exploring, and going to Niagara Falls.

Us in front of the American side of Niagara Falls. We went over to the Canadian side, but it was so dark out that it was hard to get a good picture on that side.

I’m now home for winter break and have been having a marvelous time relaxing and spending time with my family and friends. We had a really beautiful and low key Christmas. I’ve been working and playing the piano and sleeping.

My family has been taking Christmas selfies every year since my parents got married 23 years ago.

All of these things have been really great, but the biggest thing I’ve done in the last two months is a little less exciting. For many years I’ve dealt with depression in various different ways but this October I took a big step in the right direction. I went to the doctor to talk about this depression and see what I could do. The doctor told me that I have chronic depression and have been dealing with some PTSD after an incident that occurred last year. After talking about my options I decided that I wanted to try antidepressants. I was really hesitant in this choice because it felt like I was admitting that there was something wrong with me but the doctor told me something that really stuck with me.

This is an issue of brain chemistry. This isn’t your fault. You don’t refuse cancer treatments because you don’t want to admit that your cells are doing a bad job and it is no different with your brain.

I had never thought of it like that and I am so glad he said that to me. Let me tell you, I feel like a whole new person. I have had one day of unexplainable sadness in the past two months as opposed to three to five days per week. I have been so productive and motivated. I’ve done my homework, I’ve cleaned our whole house, I’ve cleared off my desk, I’ve slept. I can’t say how amazing it has been. I feel more alive than I have in years.

I haven’t really been able to write about this recently because it is so personal and because it has been such a process. I’ve found it really helpful to write poetry and I’ve been writing somewhat consistent updates here. As I continue to deal with this and continue to grow I think it will be easier to write more often and I hope to post here more consistently in the coming months.

Thank you for all of your support and all of the love you’ve all shown me, it means so much to me. I hope you’re having an amazing holiday season and that your new year is full of love.

Love you guys!!



The best summer. 42 to go…

So it’s my last night of summer. Part of me is really excited for school to start again, I’ve been back at school for five days and I’ve really been enjoying that, but part of me is really sad to see this summer end. It’s been an absolutely amazing summer. I made new friends, I went on adventures, I fell in love. It’s been great. It’s the sort of summer I don’t want to end. So I’m going to reminisce.

I had the distinct pleasure of working with four lovely women this summer: Laura, Ashley, Ali, and Keely. I seriously could not have made it through this summer without these girls. They listened to all of my stupid drama, they laughed with me, they helped me up when I fell, and they just did life with me. These girls made work and life so much sweeter.Friends80Ali, Me, Keely, Laura after we all went out for dinner one night.

The highlight of my summer was my week-long mental vacation that I took back in July. I spent some time at two different camps, observing, speaking, sleeping, and relaxing. I was so blessed to spend time with some very dear people and to have some time to just rest and pray and put my life back in order.

20140724_153329This is me and my dear friend Cindy at the beach at the second camp I went to.

I got to spend a good bit of time with my gorgeous best friends this summer. Penelope, Meesh, Rachel, Nicole, Karrisa. I don’t know what I would have done without them to keep me occupied and crazy this summer. I love them all so dearly.

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 presetPenelope, Me, and Ben at the Ren Faire dressed as Amy Pond, The Tenth Doctor, and The Eleventh Doctor.20140720_121747Meesh and I being cute as bagels, cause that’s what we do.

My girls Rachel, Karrisa, and Nicole. What would I do without them?

I’m constantly blessed by the family I was put in. It was not always easy this summer, but I know that I can always count on these five people. I love them more than I could ever say.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Dad, Me, Jonathan, Daniel, Mom, Kayra. They’re just the best.

Lastly, I fell in love this summer. I fell in love with a boy who makes me laugh, makes me feel special, teaches me knew things, makes me blush, and makes me so incredibly happy. A boy with gorgeous eyes, and strong shoulders who thinks before he speaks and is wickedly talented. A boy who’s hand fits perfectly in mine and who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. A boy who I could write about endlessly. I’m so thankful for the joy and excitement he has brought into my life.

I really didn’t have high expectations for this summer, in fact I was prepared for it to suck. But it was so full of joy and learning. It’s the sort of summer I want to remember forever. The summer of 19. It was a good one.

Tell me about your summer! What did you do? What were your highlights? I want to know!!

Love you!


The best weekend. 81 to go…

It’s funny that the last post was about making everyday the best days of my life because last weekend was one of the best weekends of my whole life.

So, if you’ve been following me at all or if you know me in real life you know about The Golden Key and about Beautiful Feet. (read about the Golden Key here and about Beautiful Feet here or check out my tag drama) Beautiful Feet was the ministry that really shaped me in high school. It was the thing that gave me the opportunity to act and laugh and create and write and make the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. So it has been one year since the end of The Golden Key and this weekend was the performance of this year’s dinner and a show through the same ministry. This is the first performance that I was not in and so many of my dear friends were in the show that I knew I had to come home. I told my parents that coming home for this weekend was more important to me than coming home for Thanksgiving. I meant it.


The cast of The Golden Key 2012 ❤

So Friday at noon I left my school and drove the five hours it takes to get home so that  I could be home in time for the football game on Friday. I got to see all of my lovely friends who are in marching band as well as my beautiful best friends Rachel and Nicole. At one point I was talking to someone when I suddenly hear someone scream my name, I turn around and see Meesh running at me at a full sprint. Naturally I shriek like a little girl, throw my stuff on the floor and then we dramatically hugged. I have never felt that happy to hug someone in my life. Being away from her for the past three months has been like missing a limb. So we cried and hugged for a long time. I got to see Mr. Miller, who was one of my all time favorite teachers, my beautiful friend Erin, my dear dear friend David and so many other people who I had been missing. After the game I went to Friendly’s with Rachel and Nicole and we laughed and laughed and had a marvelous time. We took ugly snapchats, talked about our lives and just caught up.

I got home that night, watched an episode of Doctor Who with Jonathan and then promptly passed out on the couch.

The next morning I went and picked up my lovely friend Meera and we went to my favorite coffee shop in the whole-est widest world, Folklore. We talked about life and choir and college. It was so marvelous to just be with her and talk about life. We drove home and sang Rosanna and then stopped by my friend Jacob’s house. After dropping Meera off I went home and hung out with my lovely parents and that was marvelous. (don’t tell them that I told you, but I’ve missed them a TON.)  My lovely friends Bethany and Sharon then came over for a little while and I took them to Giant with me to pick up Jonathan.

I drove to Sharon’s house to drop her and Bethany off when suddenly my friend Chris pulls into Sharon’s front yard and him, Becca and Zach all come running out of the car and I’m enveloped in the biggest Abby-burrito of my life (in case you don’t know, when you have two friends you say to them “Hey ____ what did you have for lunch today?” and one of them responds “A ______ burrito!!!” and then three of you hug this fourth person at once. The same thing can be done with one other friend and that’s called a ____ sandwich. It’s a big thing that my friends do.) I was so overwhelmed with joy from just seeing these people. So we caught up and hugged and just spent a couple minutes of unadulterated happiness together. I ran over to the church and saw my old director and wonderful friend Elya.

I went out to Starbucks with my beautiful friend Megan and then met Meesh over at the church for dinner with our lovely friends Colton and Josiah who were both in The Golden Key with us. We had marvelous food and caught up. I saw so many of my favorite people at the dinner and gave so many hugs. We then went over to the auditorium to watch the show. Meesh and I sat in the front row.

The show was absolutely amazing. I laughed, I cried, I cried. I cried a lot. Like, ugly sobbed. I was just so proud of the cast and of the directors and of all the amazing work that was done. I was really moved by the message of Ever After which was that God, the story teller, has written himself into our lives and never forgets about us or leaves us alone. I just kept crying and hugging people. After the show, Meesh and I went back stage and talked to Elya for a long time and just laughed about all the silly things that they did and all the things that we know we would have done. After that about twenty of us went to the Cocoa Diner, which is the only place in my hometown that’s open past midnight. Meesh and I drove there and sang Call Me Maybe loudly the whole way there. We got there and had an amazing time just being with some of the best people I know. It was like everything was right in the whole world. Everyone I love was there: Tabitha, Sharon, Josiah, Paul, John, Becca, Zach, Ally, Kaitlyn, Chris, Sarah, Megan, Bethany, Paxton, Meesh, Elya and so many more.

Meesh and I went over to visit our friend Josh and talked with him and his mom for a long time and that was so wonderful. We drove around, left our friend David a really long voice mail and then I slept over at her house.

I went to church the next morning and it was just fabulous. I’ve forgotten how much I love worship at my church around the people I love and know the best. I went to Panera with my lovely Haiti family and some other friends: Jonathan, David, Ben, Chad, Courtney, Sunah, Erika, Steph, Amanda and Kyle. David finally got to drive my car (he’s been trying to do that for a year now.)

I went home and had a good talk with my parents and did some final packing. I wanted to go help backstage at the matinee performance of Ever After but I kept bursting into tears at random intervals and I just couldn’t do it. I went up to the church and gave everyone my last hugs and then left. My lovely friend Zach left half of his painted on beard on my face and I drove the whole way home with it there and forgot about it. Becca also left a lovely lipstick mark on my other cheek. It made me really sad to have to wash them off.

I’m really glad that this was the first time I went home because I had no idea how homesick I was. I filled my hug bucket to the top with the hugs I love the most, I had some beautiful conversations with the people who know me best, I just laughed and existed and was happier than I’ve been in ages. I was reminded of how loved I am. That there are people who know me better than anyone else in the whole world and that they still love me.

I love you all so much and can hardly wait for Thanksgiving. I’ll be counting down the days ❤

Love you!


Irrationally Happy. 83 to go…

Are there things that make you irrationally happy? I most certainly do

This song:

This song:

Any time that A Very Potter Musical comes on my iPod.
When Meesh texts me.
When my brother Jonathan calls me.
Vanilla coke.
The colors of fall.
The movie The Lorax.
Whenever the VlogBrothers release a new video.
When people comment on or like my blog posts.
This song:

Chocolate milk.
Long Skype dates.
Looking at pictures of me and my friends.
Singing harmony.
Finding a new favorite song.
Reading really good poetry.
Driving with the windows down.
Driving stick shift.
Hugs from someone who is your perfect hugging height.
Walking in the sun.
Wasting time with people who make me laugh.
Big sweaters.
When I know someone loves me back.
Snapchats of the beautiful Meera.
Whenever anything from Newsies comes on my iPod.
Wearing maxi skirts.
When my friends call me.
Late night talks with my roommate.
Sappy love songs.
Really good pizza.
Taking notes in my favorite pen.
Getting letters in the mail.
This song:

The smell of wood smoke.
Watching New Girl.
Tea in my TARDIS mug.
Playing the piano.
Compliments from strangers.
Really good books.

I love a lot of things and I’m really happy about my life right now.

Mission of the Day- Tell me all of the things that make you irrationally happy. Don’t be afraid to be repetitive. I know that I was.

Love you!


You make love easy. 106 to go…

I’ve had a hard time blogging recently because I don’t know what to write about. I came home from Haiti feeling like all of my worries were stupid and that I should care less about them. So not writing about them has been my way of saying that they’re not as important. It doesn’t mean that I’m not still thinking about them, because I am. I have this boy on my mind who I have a mind-blowing crush on, a boy that I’m friends with who’s complicating my life, and that boy from work who I’m forever awkward around. My mom has been really sick. She is tired a lot and is in a lot of pain and that’s really hard for me to watch. I’ve been thinking about college and about moving away. I’ve been missing Haiti. There are just a hundred and one things on my mind.

But today, I have something worth writing about.

Esther day was just a couple of days ago. It’s a Nerdfighter holiday that is the equivalent of a friends and family Valentine’s day. It’s a day to tell the people that you love (non-romantically) that you love them. I didn’t take advantage of that day.

One of my favorite songs is Love is Easy by McFly. I just love the lyrics

If this is love, then love is easy
It’s the easiest thing to do.
If this is love, then love completes me
Cause it feels like I’ve been missing you.
A simple equation with no complications to leave you confused.
If this is love, love, love…
It’s the easiest thing to do.

So this is to my friends who make love so easy.

Tonight, I Skyped my dear friend Anna, who is far away and we just laughed and caught up. I sat on my best friend, Meesh’s, bed and watched the very sad scene from Dumbo with Meesh and my lovely friend Alanna and cried. Then we went to this sketchy little diner and had breakfast at midnight and ate rice pudding and laughed like idiots at the silliest things.

Two nights ago, I laid on Penelope’s pull out couch between her and Gretchen and watched half of Wreck-it  Ralph before falling asleep and snuggling.

Last night, I went to dinner with my parents and my little sister and we laughed about all the silly things we’ve done over the years and I talked about Haiti.

Loving people puts you at risk, it sets you up for pain and disappointment. But, in my experience, love is worth it. And it’s worth it because of the people I love. The people who make love so easy.

I love you all!!


And so ends The Office. 152 to go…

At first I was worried about you judging me, and then I remembered that this is my blog.

The Office ended today. I cried. A lot. I get it. It’s a bunch of actors. None of it is real. But watching The Office has meant so much to me. I began watching it during finals week of my sophomore year with my best friend Meesh. We had been friends before then and we were pretty close, but to me it begins the time of her being my Best Friend. We watched The Office together. We talked about it and were connected to the characters and laughed and cried and bonded while watching it. I also watched it with my parents and brother Jonathan. The Office has brightened so many of my days and has given me such hope and has allowed me time to spend with the people I love most.

But also, I’m just really attached to the characters. I don’t know if I believe in true love, but I believe in Jim and Pam’s love. It’s cheesy and ridiculous but It’s true. I don’t know. When you put that much of your life into caring about the lives of fictitious people, it takes some getting over.

I feel really sad. I feel like everything is ending at once and I just don’t know what to do. I’m getting more and more frustrated with some people and more and more sad about not seeing some people. Everything that I love and have invested my time into is ending quickly and it makes me so incredibly sad.

I’m so tired and djocsjdowncksmaowjcd

Love you!


Crying with my mom. 181 to go…

So, I forgot to mention that my beautiful mother had a birthday a week ago. We made breakfast in bed and enjoyed our time together.

My mom and I are complete opposites. She’s an introvert, I’m an extrovert. She’s task oriented, I’m people oriented. She’s organized, I unorganize. She likes history, I like math. She has a couple of good friends, I have many friends of various depth. She likes peace and quiet, I like madness. For years, these differences put a huge strain on our relationship. We didn’t get along, we fought a lot and we didn’t spend time together. But more recently, that has begun to change.

I think it started when she got sick this summer. It was really hard on me to see her so sick and unable to do anything. I spent a lot of time taking care of her and checking to make sure that she was comfortable. It just really hit me how fragile life is.

This year has been really good for our relationship. We talk about things, she’s come with me on my big college visits. She’s been my advocate, my confidant and my friend. We are far from being the best friends you read about in books, but It’s a truly special relationship that I’m blessed to have.

We’ve begun to bond over silly things. One of my favorite things is crying over sad commercials with my mom. You see, I cry about silly commercials all the time, but now I have someone to cry with. We watched an episode of Bones tonight and just cried through the end.

I’m so glad to have gotten to share this last 18 years with my beautiful mom and especially thankful for where we are now. It sounds silly, but I’m grateful for all of the moments that we get to cry together.

Love you!