The fear of being replaced. 100 to go…

We get used to the things that life throws at us. We get accustomed to weird smells. We get used to the heat. We stop noticing that annoying noise. What I’m afraid of is that my friends and family are going to get used to me being gone.

When I got home from Haiti my dad told me that it was hard having me gone for a whole week but:
“I guess we’ll get used to it with you being in college.”

This made me so sad. I know that it’s true. But I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to think about it. In my mind, I am the center of every universe that exists. (You know that you think the same way. Don’t even pretend that you don’t. Whether it’s on purpose or not, you think you’re the only real person on this planet. Remind me to write about this soon. I’ve been toying with a weird idea recently that is related to this.) Anyway, we can’t imagine that people could simply go on existing without us. And the idea that they could get used to us being gone is absolutely terrifying.

I remember being a fourth grader and I had just gotten my cat, Purdy, a couple of months ago for my 10th birthday. My family and I went away for a conference for a couple of days and left the cat at home with a neighbor. I remember coming home and being so excited to see him, but Purdy ran away from me. He didn’t remember who I was. Because we had only had him for a couple of months, he didn’t know me very well and when we left for a week he didn’t remember me when we got back. I was devastated. You see, I loved him. I loved him the way a ten year old girl loves her kitten. I resented my neighbor because it was obviously¬†her fault that Purdy didn’t remember me. She had replaced me in his mind and that was heartbreaking to fourth grade Abby. Obviously we have mended our relationship since then, but that fear stays with you.

The fear that your best friends are going to make new best friends. The fear that your younger siblings are going to find a better role model. The fear that your younger friends are going to find someone who gives better advice. The fear that your family is going to have new inside jokes that you will no longer be a part of.

I’m terrified.

I’m so ready for all of the new things. I’m so ready to live on my own and I’m so ready to meet new people and get into new routines and do something completely new. But I’m not entirely ready to leave behind all of the beautiful things that I have here.

I’ve been ready for months, but now I’m scared. I’m not sure that I’m ready anymore. My friends and family keep telling me that I am ready, but I just don’t know…

I think I need to just jump into college life. This “saying goodbye” thing sucks. I wish I could just skip it, but at the same time, I don’t want to miss a second of time with the people I love the most.

It’s really late and I still have packing to do… I just finished an online class about sex, wrote a letter and then addressed a butt-ton of envelopes and did laundry and now I need to go to bed. I’m freaking exhausted.

I love you!!

Abby

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Doing things for me. 166 to go…

I published my first YouTube video today. It’s not a very good one, but I did it.

I’m getting into a point in my life where I am doing things less to try and impress people and more to do things for myself. I want every moment of high school to count. I want to remember how all of these moments feel. I’m becoming more OK with just doing things for myself and not worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about it.

Honestly, I’ve always been afraid of what people think of me. From the time I was in fourth grade I was the weird girl. I was teased mercilessly for it and it really hurt. I’ve always been afraid of being that girl again. I joke about all the reasons I don’t have a boyfriend, but I’m honestly afraid that It’s because I am too weird to deal with.

Maybe It’s the knowledge that none of this will matter in a few months or It’s just my confidence coming in but I’m beginning to care less. Sure, I still have a deep fear of being the weird girl, but I’m less afraid.

So I’m going to keep doing things. I’m going to keep being me. Even when I’m afraid I will keep doing what I do because there is so much in this world that I don’t want to miss because I was afraid of the opinions of some teenager.

Love you!

Abby

CORE Reaction. 225 to go…

So, I took a week off of blogging because my life was super crazy this week. But, I did survive! Yay!

I want to talk about CORE Reaction. I went on my very last high school winter retreat. Probably my last high school retreat. I have been on a CORE winter/fall retreat for every year that I have gone to my church and this one was my last. It was a truly incredible time. I had long talks, went tubing, made friends and learned. One thing stuck out to me very much from David (my youth pastor)’s sermons: Sometimes we feel like God is really far away, but the truth is that It’s our faults. God is not moving away from us, we are moving away from him. And I realized that I’ve been running.

I run away from the big things. I avoid being at home. I avoid hard conversations. I run away from the scary and the uncertain and the painful. I run and I run and I run and then I wonder why God feels so far away. I wonder why I feel so desperate and lonely and sick and depressed inside. But God didn’t move.

He promises to never leave me. He promises to always draw near, always protect and always love. I’m not drawing from this well because I’m too busy running away.

That’s what I’ve been working on this week. Not running away. Trying to get my life in order and get more rest.

I love you very much!

Abby

284 to go…

Do you ever hate life so much that you want to hit a tree with your car? That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I just don’t. I feel stupid and clueless and absolutely useless. I feel like I just can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try. I come back from Florida and I have done everything I can possibly try to be a more positive part of my family and to be happy and to get things done. But it all feels so useless. I feel so worthless. Like a disappointment.

I feel the weight of these invisible standards and these invisible expectations and I just want to hide somewhere and die. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. So, so overwhelmed.

The worst part is not knowing who to talk to. I am that friend. The supportive one who listens and encourages. I love that. But I feel like these are the things I can’t talk about. This deep sadness I feel hanging over me, the anger and the pain. This deep fear of failure and ending up alone.

I’m in need of a hug. Or maybe six. But the hugs I yearn for are so far away. The hugs I need are unavailable.

I feel so incredibly alone. So alone. Utterly and hopelessly alone. I also feel like I’m stark raving mad. I can’t make anything make sense. I just want to go home. But I don’t know where home is any more. I have always felt this desire to go “home” but I can never figure out where home is. It’s so weird. I’m so weird. I think I need to get some help, and more than that I think I need to get some sleep.

Abby

Day 362

There is so much beauty in the world. After work this morning, I went to Starbucks and they forgot to make my drink so I got a free drink voucher. And then in an attempt to take the back roads to the gas station, I got terribly lost among fields of yellow and purple wild flowers while listening to Allie Moss. A rough evening with my family blossomed into a couple of hours of laying on my parent’s bed with mom, dad and Jonathan and sharing our earliest memories together. I laughed till I cried. Honestly, it was beautiful.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

In some ways, seeing the bad makes the good look so much better. It puts the simple joys into perspective. And it puts the hurts and hearbreaks into perspective as well.

I’ve been horribly depressed recently. Basically, here’s what’s going on in my head: Hey, your mom has a serious disease. Hey, you’re in your last year of highschool. Hey, you don’t know what to do with your life even though everyone else already does. Hey, you don’t have a best friend anymore. Hey, Gretchen is at college. Hey, your small group is completely changed and your leader doesn’t want you anymore. Hey, you’re working two dead end jobs. Hey, your ten year old sister plays the piano better than you. Hey, no one reads this stupid blog anyway. Hey, you can’t sing. Hey, you’ll never get into college. Hey, no boy will ever like you. Hey, you’re a burden to everyone. Hey, even your cat doesn’t like you.

And so on…

I’m fighting, man, but this is hard stuff. And I’m tired. So I cling to the promise that I was created the way I am for a unique and important person.

Random Fact of the Day- Large dogs have an increased risk of hip dysplasia as opposed to small dogs.

Mission of the Day- figure out how to actually spell “dysplasia.”

Love you!

Abby

Day 351

My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

My brain is in a thousand places at the same time and I can’t seem to make any of it make sense. So I’m just going to write them out and hope that some sense comes out of that.

My mom is spending the night in the hospital tonight. Not because she got worse, but to try some steroid therapy. But here’s the thing, she’s still in the hospital. I know. I’m seventeen years old, almost an adult. But honestly, I’m a child. I can’t take care of myself, I can’t emotionally support myself, I just can’t. I still need my mommy. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I know she’s coming home, I know that she’s in good hands and that the odds are completely in her favor. But what kid doesn’t get worried and sick when you jeopardize the stability of their family?

The insults that hurt are the ones that are true. But the only thing worse that an insult that is true is one that we fear is true. Insults that attack our deepest, darkest insecurities.

I’m so tired. So, so tired. I feel like I just can’t do enough of anything and its weighing on my chest and slowly killing me. I just want to sleep for days and cry.

I honestly can’t explain to you how much I want to just run away and hide. Hide from all of life’s problems, all of my pain, all of the heartbreak and sadness and brokeness and frustration and anger and bitterness and tiredness that haunts us in this world.

God promised that things won’t be easy, but that he is good. Well believe me, I know things aren’t easy. So now I just have to wait. Wait for his goodness to pull me through the way he promises he will and the way he always has.

Abby

Day 330

As I start to look at colleges and discuss SAT scores and life goals with my parents I’m beginning to realized how terrified I am.

I don’t want to screw up. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I want to so what is right for me. I want to pursue what is my “destiny”. I want to live out the purpose I was created for. And I am so afraid of missing that purpose, of going the wrong way and being unfulfilled in my life.

As I talked about this with one of my eighth grade girls she said to me “Don’t freak out. Wherever you are is obviously going to be where you are supposed to be since God got you there.

BRILLIANT!

Random Fact of the Day- The first Apple commercial was aired in 1984 during the Super Bowl and was only shown once.

Mission of the Day- play a game. Preferably a fun game.

Love you!

Abby