We get used to the things that life throws at us. We get accustomed to weird smells. We get used to the heat. We stop noticing that annoying noise. What I’m afraid of is that my friends and family are going to get used to me being gone.
When I got home from Haiti my dad told me that it was hard having me gone for a whole week but:
“I guess we’ll get used to it with you being in college.”
This made me so sad. I know that it’s true. But I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to think about it. In my mind, I am the center of every universe that exists. (You know that you think the same way. Don’t even pretend that you don’t. Whether it’s on purpose or not, you think you’re the only real person on this planet. Remind me to write about this soon. I’ve been toying with a weird idea recently that is related to this.) Anyway, we can’t imagine that people could simply go on existing without us. And the idea that they could get used to us being gone is absolutely terrifying.
I remember being a fourth grader and I had just gotten my cat, Purdy, a couple of months ago for my 10th birthday. My family and I went away for a conference for a couple of days and left the cat at home with a neighbor. I remember coming home and being so excited to see him, but Purdy ran away from me. He didn’t remember who I was. Because we had only had him for a couple of months, he didn’t know me very well and when we left for a week he didn’t remember me when we got back. I was devastated. You see, I loved him. I loved him the way a ten year old girl loves her kitten. I resented my neighbor because it was obviously her fault that Purdy didn’t remember me. She had replaced me in his mind and that was heartbreaking to fourth grade Abby. Obviously we have mended our relationship since then, but that fear stays with you.
The fear that your best friends are going to make new best friends. The fear that your younger siblings are going to find a better role model. The fear that your younger friends are going to find someone who gives better advice. The fear that your family is going to have new inside jokes that you will no longer be a part of.
I’m so ready for all of the new things. I’m so ready to live on my own and I’m so ready to meet new people and get into new routines and do something completely new. But I’m not entirely ready to leave behind all of the beautiful things that I have here.
I’ve been ready for months, but now I’m scared. I’m not sure that I’m ready anymore. My friends and family keep telling me that I am ready, but I just don’t know…
I think I need to just jump into college life. This “saying goodbye” thing sucks. I wish I could just skip it, but at the same time, I don’t want to miss a second of time with the people I love the most.
It’s really late and I still have packing to do… I just finished an online class about sex, wrote a letter and then addressed a butt-ton of envelopes and did laundry and now I need to go to bed. I’m freaking exhausted.
I love you!!