205 to go…

I really don’t know what to say to you today…

The closer graduation gets, the harder it is to grow up. I’m ready for spring and summer and Sunshine and flowers and birds. I’m ready to sleep in and not go to school and not have homework. What I’m not ready for is the changes. I’m not ready to not be in high school anymore. As ready as I am to graduate, I have loved high school so much.

I had dinner at Meesh’s house last night, then we went to our school’s international fair and caught up with Penny’s parents, then Rachel and I went out to Starbucks and then Mixies, and then I talked to Penelope on the phone for a while. I just have such great friends.

I’m not sure that I’m ready for things to be different yet.

Love you!



Time ratios. 218 to go…

I was at the dentist today to get a cavity filled (first one in my life) and I began to talk with my dentist about college. He made a really good point: time seems to move faster because, speaking in terms of ratios, periods of time are becoming less significant.

I was 13 when I got out of middle school and I spent three years there. That is 23% of my life up until that point. Now, I’ll be 18 when I get out of high school. I’ve spent for years here. 22% of my life. I’ll hopefully by 22 when I graduate college. 18% of my life. As more time goes by things are rationally smaller. I’m not explaining this as well as he did, but his point was that as you get older time seems to go faster.

I thought this was incredibly interesting, but also sad. I’m realizing how quickly high school has gone by. I love high school. Maybe not the drama and the awkwardness and the insecurity and the school work but I love it. I’ve made incredible memories and I have wonderful friends. It feels like just yesterday was my first day of ninth grade when I sat by myself in the cafeteria and the scary senior boy in my German class asked if I smoked. And here I am now. A senior. Almost graduated. We’re ordering caps and gowns this week and I’m turning 18 on Saturday. What is my life?

Love you!


Day 302

So my friend Gretchen graduated today. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, I know, but for me it really was. Gretchen has been an amazing friend to me through high school, but especially throughout the past year. It’s been a crazy year. And I wish it had been easier or more fun, but it has been filled with so many good times that it’s been easier to overlook the hard things. And so many of those good things had everything to do with Gretchen. Singing loudly, driving with the music high, doing donuts in the parking lot, sitting in my driveway, screaming at the sky and so many other things that I can’t even begin to explain. I’ll miss her a ton when she leaves, but I believe that bigger and better things are yet to come.

It’s starting to hit me how quickly the world is spinning and how slowly I feel I am moving.

I must be going to sleep now, I have to work in the morning and then I’m going swing dancing. (Yayayayayayay!)

Random Fact of the Day- according to The Doctor, Papa New Guinea (I know I spelled that wrong, and I’m sorry) is going to do really well at the shot put during the 2012 Olympics.

Mission of the Day- look out a window longingly and sigh.

Love you!


Day 299

It didn’t hit me yesterday but I’m getting old. Sure, I’m young, I’m sweet, I’m seventeen, I’m the Dancing Queen. But time is going faster. I remember being in second grade and thinking I would never get any older. Summer seemed to last an eternity in elementary school, and there was always something to do. Seventh grade went on for ages, eighth grade dragged by, ninth grade seemed to go by slowly, but in a good way. That summer was the longest summer I’ve lived through, in the best way. Tenth grade went by quickly but beautifully, last summer seems like a whirlwind of activity. And this year has flown by. It’s been hectic, stressful, crazy, sick (in the unhealthy sense of the word) and tiring. But it has also been fun, beautiful, exciting and just great. It wasn’t my favorite year of school, but seventeen is my favorite year of being alive thus far.

Suddenly I’m driving myself places, I’m getting a credit card, I’m coming home at 11, I’m going to work, I’m making dinner.  I’m getting older, and that’s ok by me, but it’s a little scary. As the fabulous Alex Day wrote “We’ll never forget how it feels to be young,” I don’t know how you define young, but I assume I’m living in it. And I don’t want to forget it.

I believe we live through our circumstances for a reason. Thing do not happen for no cause. And that’s why I journal, that’s why I blog. Because you can believe on of two things:

1. All of life is random and happens by mere chance.
2. All of life happens for a reason and possesses some sort of purpose.

I will choose to believe that we have purpose, if only because it makes me feel better about my existence. We were created for a reason, and if we just appeared here and are just clumps of mass then what is the point of living? If we all die in the end then why not make it less painful and just end it before it starts? Because we value our lives, we value our comfort and our happiness. And this, to me, is proof of our intelligent design. We value what we are created for. We yearn for what God yearns for. Close and intimate relationships, purpose, love. I’d be willing to say that emotions cannot be evolved. Thoughts on that?

Random fact of the day- Venus passed in front of the sun today. Amazing isn’t it? We’re just so little.

Mission of the Day- Put something on your head and declare yourself the king of something.

Love you always!


Day 298

It’s over… My junior year, gone. The older I get the faster time seems to go by. I find myself thinking back on the year an it has been a weird one. I’ve loved it, but there have been some rough spots and some hard times.

Today was my last day of school. I took my choir final and sat in journalism and then I went home. This evening was spent at my dear friend Rachel’s house. We swam in the pool, played Just Dance, and then played Paint Twister. Essentially you put paint on the twister board and then just play as normal. It was so much fun and completely hilarious. Then naturally we all chased one another around to try and get paint on each other, we ran up a hill, and played Paint Ninja. We jumped in the pool and hung out and I just had a great time. It was a lovely way to kick off summer.

Now to be serious. Girlnextdooritis. The absolute worst, and I’ve had it on my mind the past couple of days. It’s a disease that I’m afraid that I have a very bad case of. And I was talking about it with a good friend of mine and I just realized how rotten it makes you feel about yourself. Constantly being the friend, and always hearing about the different girl friends or crushes. It’s no fun. And do you know what starts to happen? You start to think to yourself “is there something wrong with me? Am in ugly, stupid, or just generally repulsive?” it gets you down.

But there is something I’ve been clinging to for weeks that a really good friend of mine told me, he said: if you were supposed to be different then you would hav been created differently. But you weren’t, so you aren’t. Just remember that.

Random fact of the day- according to Rachel, today is hug a cat day.

Mission of the day- take a moment to rejoice in the life you’ve been given. You are special and you were created uniquely for a purpose. You are a lovely person simply because you exist.

Love you!


Day 293

I haven’t much time, and I haven’t much to say.

I’m tired, I need to study, and most importantly I need to go to bed.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes before finals and then a week from now I’m officially done with my junior year. I’ve been trying to avoid talking about it. I’m not sure how I feel not it, and it hasn’t hit me yet. Usually I’m anticipating summer and counting every minute until I’m free from the evil clutches of school, but I’ve been working until the very last moment with various projects and tests. I haven’t even had time to start studying for finals yet. I’m starting to go a little nutty. Oh my…. More sleep, and more tea. That is the answer.

Random fact of the day- Hans Scholl’s last words were “long live freedom!”

Mission of the day- fall down on your knees and exclaim “NOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHY???” and then pretend to cry.

Love you!


Day 288

Oh my… So I’ve come down sick over the past couple of days. Blah, I feel miserable and exhausted and all I want is to sleep for days. My face feels all full of sheep and and my eyelashes weigh 6 thousand pounds.

What have I been thinking about…

I had my final choir concert of the year last week. It was another one of those moments when I realized that I’m living in the best days of my life and how they’re passing me without me even noticing.

In my English class we discussed middle school, and it just reminded me of 6th grade, or failed to remind me of 6th grade. I truly can remember very little of 6th grade. I went to see a production of various Edgar Allen Poe’s works. I got in trouble with my math teacher for working on my science project during class, which she threw away and my good friend Shane pulled out of the trash can for me. I rode the bus with the senior boys for the first time. I got glasses. But other than those things I can remember much. I can remember almost every other grade of my schooling career besides 2nd grade (which blurs in my mind with 3rd grade) and I’m realizing they time is passing me by.

Heres the thing. I’m not organized, but I like to be organized. I have tons of different journals to record tons of different things because I want to remember as much as possible about these years. Last summer I wrote down every dream I had for months. And it just provides an interesting record for me.

I love reading postsecret every Monday. I have a weird fascination with secrets. So reading all these different secrets I started thinking: what is a secret? How do we define secrets? For myself I would say that a secrets something you are probably ashamed of, something you don’t want people to know about you. It’s something you either tell nobody, or choose carefully who to tell. I don’t know, there’s something weird and fantastic about secrets. A reason why we hide them, but want to know them so badly, and a reason why we any to share them so badly as well.

Thinking about fictional characters that I love so much. Jim Halpert, Shawn Spencer, Colin Singleton, Miles Halter, Ron Weasley, Peeta Mellark, Q, The Doctor. As I was dancing around my room singing the song “One Thing” by One Direction my fabulous brother, Jonathan, asked me “Are you singing to Ron Weasley?” He knows me so well. There is something that I find interesting and attractive about each of those characters. Things I find attractive in guys. And then I think about my favorite female characters: Margo Roth-Spiegelman, Pam Beasly, Jules, Hermoinie Granger, Emma, Rose Tyler, and Alaska Young. They all are part of the things I want to be.

Random fact of the day- several hundred tubes of ashes are going to be released into space from the private space exploration vehicle.

Mission of the day- drink a cup of tea and speak in an English accent.

Love you!