Becoming who I am. 265 to go…

There comes a time when you realize that you’re becoming your own person and that you’re becoming an adult.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend of mine and she said to me “I was channeling my inner Abby today.” In response to a funny comment she had made. My response was “You have an inner Abby?” And another friend in the class said “I think we all do.”

I am the chain smoker of tea drinkers. I drink tea like it is going out of style and that has been my thing recently. But it has gotten to a point where people will drink three cups of tea and say to me “I felt like you today.”

I am so incredibly flattered. I have been amazed by how many people actually like this person that I’m becoming (either that, or my patents are paying them all off.) Like most people, I just want to be loved (amen Ben Rector) and I love the love I’m receiving.

We’re gonna get a little personal and talk about my childhood.

Looking back, I was pretty viciously bullied through most of elementary and middle school. I was always the weird girl. I read more than everyone else, I liked math, I spoke Turkish when I was frustrated and I liked to hang out with the boys more than the girls. In middle school I was picked on because of my weight and that really affected me. I don’t really want to talk about that now. Ask me about it some time, if you like. But what I learned through all of that was that the person I was was unlikable.

It’s hard and those are scars I fight everyday in ways I can’t even understand. I’m still very self conscious and insecure about myself and my body and my personality. But I’m finally getting to a place where I’m OK. And OK is good for now. Getting where I am has taken a lot of work. My friends, my faith and my family have played a huge role in that and I’m slowly becoming my own person.

Mission of the Day- Make a wish. I give you permission to make a single free wish at this moment.

Question of the Day- Has this made you think about anything? Share with me!!!

Love you!

Abby

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343 to go…

If only I had something worth hearing to say. Do you know what I’m feeling right now? Terribleness. That is what I’m feeling.

I had a beautiful day with my two best friends, but I still feel bad inside. What the heck is wrong with me? Do I need meds or sleep or a special institution or a shrink or some paint or tea? Like, seriously. Why do I feel so terrible?

I find myself believing that “if that boy liked me I would be happy” or “if I was as pretty as that girl I would be happy” but the truth of the matter is that it just won’t work.

It’s so easy to pretend things are ok. I’m really good at that, but that doesn’t change reality. Bleh.

I’m sorry for how terrible this is and how depressing I am and for my insecurities. This is my brain, folks. No PhotoShop or editing.

Abby

Gosh… I’m insecure. 344 to go…

I’m not sure what to write about… I’ve kinda been a sulking, depressed teenage girl all day.

Maybe It’s the weather, maybe it was the bio test I took this morning, maybe It’s because that boy didn’t text me, maybe It’s because I fell down the stairs or because I broke my favorite travel mug, but I’m feeling rotten about myself. And, despite what you might think, I don’t need to be told how wonderful I am. I just need some sleep and… Yea… Just sleep.

As I danced around my kitchen while singing We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together and making a cheesecake and talking to my cat I realized that I’m a tad strange. And then I got worried. Do you ever worry about your strangenesses? Worry that they’re too strange or too unattractive or whatever. My parental units can hardly stand my quirks sometimes and It’s their job to love me…

I don’t know. I’m all weird and paranoid and insecure and tired and snotty and tired. Did I mention that I’m tired?

Love you!

Abby

Day 362

There is so much beauty in the world. After work this morning, I went to Starbucks and they forgot to make my drink so I got a free drink voucher. And then in an attempt to take the back roads to the gas station, I got terribly lost among fields of yellow and purple wild flowers while listening to Allie Moss. A rough evening with my family blossomed into a couple of hours of laying on my parent’s bed with mom, dad and Jonathan and sharing our earliest memories together. I laughed till I cried. Honestly, it was beautiful.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

In some ways, seeing the bad makes the good look so much better. It puts the simple joys into perspective. And it puts the hurts and hearbreaks into perspective as well.

I’ve been horribly depressed recently. Basically, here’s what’s going on in my head: Hey, your mom has a serious disease. Hey, you’re in your last year of highschool. Hey, you don’t know what to do with your life even though everyone else already does. Hey, you don’t have a best friend anymore. Hey, Gretchen is at college. Hey, your small group is completely changed and your leader doesn’t want you anymore. Hey, you’re working two dead end jobs. Hey, your ten year old sister plays the piano better than you. Hey, no one reads this stupid blog anyway. Hey, you can’t sing. Hey, you’ll never get into college. Hey, no boy will ever like you. Hey, you’re a burden to everyone. Hey, even your cat doesn’t like you.

And so on…

I’m fighting, man, but this is hard stuff. And I’m tired. So I cling to the promise that I was created the way I am for a unique and important person.

Random Fact of the Day- Large dogs have an increased risk of hip dysplasia as opposed to small dogs.

Mission of the Day- figure out how to actually spell “dysplasia.”

Love you!

Abby

Day 359

Here I am… Six days from the end…

He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world, no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again.”

As I watches Doctor Who this evening, this quote struck me. It’s so easy to create happiness when you are happy or to paint misery, but creating beauty out of the pain is the incredible thing about humans. But even more than that, the darkness of our pain contrasts the beauty of our joy in a way that only makes the joy all that more valuable.

I have a lot on my mind, and none of it makes sense. I was at the doctor’s office today and my doctor asked me how I was handling things with my mom and I just cried. My little sister is getting better at the piano than I am, and it makes me feel horrible. I’m tired and not feeling well. I’m lonely. I’m frustrated about a boy. I’m missing my dear friend Gretchen. I’m realizing that my best friend is no longer the person I call my best friend. I’m watching my sister grow up. I’m doing calculus homework. I’m noticing that my nail polish doesn’t stay on when I’m stressed, hence why I have to repaint my nails every night.

I’m realizing how great my life is, but how poorly I feel about it. I’m an incredibly blessed human being with great parents, a great situation, living in a privileged country. But I still feel so unhappy. I think that its just the fact that its so much at once. I feel like things all started going wrong at once. And that is when my grip on reality starts to slip.

I’m beyond happy with my life. But at the moment, stuff is hard. I’m just trying to make it all make sense.

Random Fact of the Day- Vincent Van Gough was 37 when he died.

Mission of the Day- Enjoy a piece of art. Whatever kind of art makes you happy.

Love you!

Abby

Day 267

So, I’ve been thinking, I know it’s surprising.

Today I went shopping with my mom and had a pretty painful time. I like shopping, but actually trying to buy clothes is painful. It’s just hard to find things that I really like that I think look good on me. So I was talking to my mom about this in the car on the way home and I kinda realized that it’s not just me. So it leaves me wondering, are there any girls who are perfectly happy with the way they look? I can’t really speak on the behalf of guys (being a teenage girl) but every girl I’ve ever talked to has either admitted that they’re insecure or shows it in some way. Do boys feel like that?

In my life I am trying to understand boys better. One of my good guy friends always tells me that boys just aren’t that complicated, but  understanding them could simplify so much of life. The way they think, the things they notice and the things they care about; that’s what I’d love to know.

I’ve been listening to One Direction a lot recently and I realized something. They have great music and they know what girls want to here. I really like the song One Thing which is all about how this girl has that one thing the guy is looking for:

“Get out of my head and fall into my arms instead. I don’t know what it is but I need that one thing, and you’ve got that one thing.”

Those are just the kinds of things girls love to hear. That they’re needed, and have something that is different from every other girl and that someone wants them.

I find that I can’t listen to too much of it for too long because I find myself getting … I don’t want to say emotional because that’s not quite right but more that’s I find myself longing to hear things like that. To be content with life you can’t long after things that you just don’t need at the time. So I choose to listen to something different.

I’ve been listening to this fabulous artist, Butterfly Boucher, who has a really interesting sound and a lot of talent. One of my favorite songs by her is Bitter Song. The lyrics are: “All I need is a bitter song, to make me better.” I totally feel that, sometimes you need a bitter song, or a happy song, or a giddy song to make you better. My other favorite song by her is To Feel Love: “I wanna feel love, true love.” oh honey, don’t we all?

The future is scary, but we shouldn’t sit around focusing on it. Life is beautiful.

Random fact of the Day- One of the things we notice most about other people is how symmetrical a persons face is.

Mission of the day- answer me this single weird question: do guys notice the way girls flip their hair?

Love you!

Abby

Day 198

“So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”

Now if there is anything that I feel like I share in common with Alaska Young it is that statement. I’m afraid to say that I am a hurricane. I kinda blow through life haphazardly. I’ve told you that I’m whimsical. Prone to changing my mind, prone to not thinking things through. Kinda blowing through life in fear of boredom. I have this deep fear of being bored or being boring. And I think it stems from a much deeper fear inside of us. The fear of loneliness. A fear of being perpetually alone. A fear of abandonment. A fear of being unliked and unwanted.

I’ll be honest right now. I’m horribly afraid that if I’m not interesting enough that people won’t like me. That I’ll have nothing to make me unique. That I’ll just be another plain jane with nothing to offer. I’m afraid of being alone. That no guys will like me. That my friends will stop liking me. That my parents will cease to care. And I know that in general those are pretty ridiculous fears. But there are some pretty legitimate fears in that.

Thinking about this song:

The lyrics :

Falling in love with a woman like you
Happens so quickly, there’s nothing to do
It’s only natural
But why did it have to be me

Have kinda hit me. Let’s just pretend that this song is about a boy for about 2 seconds. I kinda feel like this. A lot. And its so frustrating sometimes. For so many more reasons than I care to say or can even attempt to explain.

Thinking about my Great Perhaps. And the Labyrinth .

fictional character Simón Bolívar’s last words were:

“Damn it, how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?”

And so the question is, what is the Labyrinth? Is it this earth, or the end of it? I have much to contemplate.

Someone was telling me that I needed to “Breathe” I’m still not certain what they meant. I know that I need to slow down. I need to stop chasing “fun” and embrace peace. I’m kind of a fun addict. I need things to do.

I want adventure. I’ve always wanted to live on the edge of something interesting. Be a little wild.

Random Fact of the Day-The actress who played Ginny Weasley is not actually a ginger.

Mission of the Day- Decipher the meaning of this breathe thing. I need to figure it out.

Love you 🙂

Abby

To be loved, what more could you ask for?