A hard day. 34 to go…

Today was the hardest day I’ve had in a long time. I don’t have days like this very often, but sometimes I am held down by the weight of my depression and I physically cannot make myself get out of bed. I haven’t questioned my desire to continue to exist on this earth in a long time, but today I couldn’t convince myself that living was really worth it. I stayed in bed until mid afternoon. I sat in the shower and cried because I could feel the physical ache of my sadness in my stomach. I couldn’t make myself eat anything or drink anything. It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way but it’s as though I was fighting with myself to keep breathing.

I fight it every day. The hopelessness, the loneliness. I have to shake it off every day, but some days it just gets the better of me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the worst part of feeling like this is that nothing set me off. Sure, life is stressful and things are hard right now, but that wasn’t the problem. So on top of feeling like death I’m frustrated with myself for feeling the way I do. I feel like my heart is breaking and my bones are hollow and I don’t know why. I know that I’m deeply loved, I know that my life has meaning, I know that the sun still shines.

This inability to explain my feeling often leads to me isolating myself. I have a deep fear of being too needy in my closest relationships and driving people away from me. I also live in a sort of constant fear of people seeing what a mess I am and deciding that I’m too much to handle. So I don’t talk about it. I just try to manage it myself and end up feeling even further away from the people I love. I’ve been really struggling to remember the words Meesh said to me this summer:

this is not your fault, this is not some weakness that you have, this is just a hard thing in life that you are going through

I’ve been trying to remind myself of this, and I know it’s true, but it’s so hard to believe some days. I can’t help but look at the people around me and wonder why I can’t be happy and functional like them. I can’t help but wish that I was different. It feels like a weakness. It feels like just one more way that my body is failing me, and this time it’s my mind. It’s just one more thing to scare people off. It’s just one more reason that I’m undesirable. It’s just one more way I’m not good enough.

I did get out of bed today. It took everything in me, but I did it. I got up, I showered, I ate something, I washed some dishes, I talked to my roommates, I wrote this. I was able to find the will to keep going. Yea, it was a hard day, but I did it. And I’m slowly learning how to hate myself less and how to find the motivation within myself to go on. It was a hard day, and I’m tempted to say that it was a bad day, but I know it’s days like today that are making me better. I’m learning from days like this and I’m growing from them. They’re teaching me to see hope. They’re reminding me that I’m still loved and still alive. So I’ll ask you to stick with me through the hard days. Stick with me when I don’t know if I’m going to make it to tomorrow. Because you’re helping me get through these days. You’re reminding me that there is hope. You’re reminding me that you still love me and I’m still alive.

Maybe it was a hard day, but it wasn’t a bad day. I’m getting better.

Love you!



The middle of the afternoon. 46 to go…

I always find myself alone late at night wishing I wasn’t so alone. My days are full of activity and people and laughter and fun but the sun goes down and I begin to feel empty and alone.

I guess I’ve always felt like this. I remember being 5 years old and dreading bed time because I didn’t want to be alone.

I’m just such a night person, I could (and often do) stay up until ungodly hours and then sleep til noon and feel like I’ve had a productive and meaningful day. I feel most alive when the stars are up, I feel like there is so much potential and freedom and space at night. Have you ever driven somewhere at 4am? There’s not a single other person on the road. You can drive for miles and miles without seeing anyone. You’re totally alone, you rule the world.

At school we would always make the joke “oh it’s only midnight, it’s practically the middle of the afternoon!” Unless you’re like me you have no idea how accurate that is. My day is just starting at midnight. I write at midnight, I read at midnight, I think, clean, sing, compose, dance, decide at midnight. It’s the time that I feel the most alert and ready to take on the world.

At school I was never alone at night. Between watching movies into the wee hours of the morning with my best friends and having a roommate, I could count on never being alone during my favorite hours of the day. It’s so  hard to be home where my family goes to bed by 10pm and my friends have jobs and responsibilities in the mornings. I’m often left alone at night with Tumblr and my fuzzy socks and something about this can be really destructive.

You see, I start to get really sad late at night. I start to feel this deep loneliness aching in my bones, the need for human contact clawing at my insides, a dark sadness settling in my veins. I physically feel it. And the more I feel like this the more I find myself reblogging depressing pictures, writing angsty poetry, and listening to sad music.

I’ve been listening to this song over and over again and I think it’s breaking my heart.

Pretty girl with the butterscotch hair
Your eyes and the sunshine smile you wear
I can see how you make his soul glow

Have you ever heard anything so beautiful? I want to be that girl with the butterscotch hair. I want it more than words can say and more than makes sense.

It’s like my thoughts have time to catch up to me, maybe I always feel like this but I just manage to run away from these thoughts during the days and it’s only when I slow down that I remember how I feel.

Maybe it’s just been one too many late nights alone, but the hard days are getting harder. I’m finding it harder and harder to keep my head up on the bad days. I honestly feel like I’m dying on the inside some days, like I’ve run out of the will to keep going. I keep telling myself that I’m OK and that the sun will come up and that there will be people around who I know love me but it’s like I can’t pull myself out of these slumps. I have no idea how to deal with this besides just continuing to run away from these feelings. I need hugs and help and I don’t know how to ask for either.


Here I am. 91 to go…

Here I am. It’s 2:14 am and I’m sitting in the empty space between the door to my building and the door outside and I’ve screwed up. I messed up. I did. Yea, I am not 100% to blame but in any situation that you screw up you are at least partially responsible. SO here I am.

The worst part of this is not having someone to hug. Not having a place to run away to. Not having somewhere to hide. Not having someone to cry with. This is when I feel alone. So deeply, bitterly alone. How do you admit to someone what happened when you’ve messed up this bad? Who do you call? What do you say?

This is when I’m most homesick. When I most wish that I could be away from this. When I wish I could hide and be surrounded by the people I know and the people I love.

So, what now? What do you do when you mess up? You change. You apologize to the people you hurt. And then you learn. You learn and you grow and you do something new. You accept that you’ve screwed up and then you don’t let it define you any more.

I’m really struggling right now. I am. I don’t need you to worry. I’ll be OK. I will. I’m just really sad right now. I’m sad and I’m lonely and I’m hurt and I’m mad and I’m disappointed and I’m confused. I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but this is life. Life means failing and falling short and growing because of it. I don’t feel like I’m growing yet, and maybe it will take a long time before I will but it will come.

This too shall pass. All things do. The good and the bad. That’s why you can’t be too attached to moments, because they are all so transient. Here for a minute and gone the next, never lasting long enough to do more than tempt us with hope and beauty or break us with sadness and bitter loneliness. This too shall pass.


You never can outrun your feelings. 91 to go…

There are some feelings that I hoped I would be able to escape when I came to college. I’ve made it this far and now they’re catching up to me. That feeling of never being good enough, that feeling of sadness and that deep sense of loneliness.

I thought I was fine. I did. I thought I had managed to get past those feelings and that they wouldn’t be able to find me here. But here they are.

The worst feeling is never being first. Never being the first one picked for things. Never being the first person that people think of. Never being the first one to hear about things. Never being someone’s first choice. He likes her. He has since the first day. Why did I even bother?

We both know that I’m a crier. It’s how I express my emotions. But I’m really struggling to cry. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I know that these feelings are so stupid. That I shouldn’t have let them take hold in the first place. That I should have squashed them while I had the chance. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I’m stupid. I didn’t because I’m a glutton for punishment and because it seemed OK to just let them go. It felt good. It felt like hope. It felt like being likable. (I wrote hope again on accident, which is funny until I realized how true it was. I was holding onto that hope like nothing else.)

I guess there really was nothing. There never was. I just got my hopes up. I let my emotions run away. I let myself dream for a moment

Don’t wish, don’t start.
Wishing only wounds the heart.

It’s true, you know? This wishing business. It gives you a glimpse into what life could have been like. It promises that something good is coming. And then you remember that wishes are just that. They are nothing more. They are not reality. Not even close. I love wishes, but sometimes I think that wishes are the biggest lies that we tell ourselves.

I’d like to think that I have a pretty positive outlook on life, but sometimes I think I’m slowly dying and that I’m going to die alone. I mean, I make all sorts of stupid jokes about dying alone, but I’m honestly afraid. What the heck is wrong with me that I can’t seem to do things the way most people do?

My heart aches for love. Deeply. So deeply. And I know: I need to be OK with myself first and I need to find love in my friendships and from my family and from God. I get it. I’ve heard it all before. Just know, those words simply do NOT help the situation. I don’t need advice. I don’t need to be told why I feel the way I do. I don’t need to be told that my feelings are stupid and that I should just get over it. I don’t need any words. I need a hug. I need those hugs that I miss. There are so many hugs that I miss. I miss having somewhere to run. I miss having a place to hide. I miss having a piano. I miss my cat. I miss lots and lots of things. I don’t know what I need.

I guess I just need to cry, sleep and then get over it. Isn’t that how we handle things? Problems never truly go away. You just distract yourself until you’ve forgotten about how much things hurt. And then you get hurt again. So it goes.


Love is in everyone else’s air. 114 to go…

I’ve been napping a lot. I’m tired.

One of my friends at work was making fun of me for being so young today when one of my guys friends walks by. Later, he comes up to me and says “You’re really only eighteen?” And when I said yes he said “Oh… I’m twenty six… I thought you were at least twenty. I didn’t realize you were that much younger than me…”

Gah. So awkward. Why do I have to be so little? All of my friends go out for drinks after work and I can’t go because I’m the only one who’s not old enough to drink. All of the cute guys I work with are at least two years older than me. The only guys I seem to attract are the creepy old men who don’t understand that my eyes are on my head.

I walked down to my car after working dinner to find two of my coworkers making out on the car right next to mine. Thankfully I’m friends with them and they’re cool, but I felt so awkward. My good friend just started dating one of our coworkers. Two of my friends are getting married. My other friend got flowers the other night when we were working. And I’m just watching Bones with my cat…

This feeling sucks.

Love you!


129 to go…

“We make our lives out of chaos and hope. And love.” Angela Montenegro

My incredible little brother Jonathan and I have started a habit of getting home from work at night and watching several episodes of Bones together. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day. But sometimes Bones leaves me feeling very sad and very lonely.

At the end of the episode we just finished Hodgins gives Angela a rose and they share a look. The camera captured that look perfectly. A knowing smile, a shared moment, a tender look, a flirtatious wink and the giggly fluttering of eyelashes.

Now, I’m as hopeless a Romantic as they come, but it was beautiful. And maybe It’s because the whole episode was sad, but that look felt like getting hit. It comes in waves, but sometimes it hits me how alone I feel and how much it sucks.

I want to share a look like that with someone. Someone who I care about and who cares about me in return. Someone who knows me and likes me anyway.

My life is seriously so awkward. And I’m so awkward around boys. This boy I like, I wouldn’t be able to make coherent sentences around him, I laughed louder than normal, I always manage to say or do something that reveals how truly weird I am. I couldn’t keep it together. There’s an incredibly kind, smart, helpful, good-looking boy at work who I don’t know at all. I had been trying to work up the nerve to talk to him for weeks and when I finally did on Sunday, I dropped a tray of plates all over the floor right in front of him and then blushed like an idiot. I later tripped on my foot while walking past him.


I’m not very funny, but I have one joke that usually makes people laugh:
Person: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yea, he has four legs and is covered in black fur. He’s also a cat.
People usually find that funny. And I think It’s pretty funny. But between you and me, I only make that joke because I don’t want people to know how single I am.

I’m honestly so afraid of being too awkward or weird or clumsy or stupid to ever get a boyfriend. There are days when I resign myself to dying alone with my 97 cats and wearing pink velour sweat suits. It seems like all fun and games until that fear comes true.

I don’t always hate being single. In fact, some days I love it. But on days like today dying alone feels pretty imminent.

I think the people who make the most jokes about being single are some of the loneliest people. You just would never know because they make it seem like no big deal.

Love you!


Calculus and loneliness. 159 to go…

Occasionally I being to feel very lonely. That’s how I felt today. There are days when I just need hugs and love and tea and I feel like no one understands me.

I took my Calc AP test today and just walked out feeling a little bit like an idiot. Then I felt funny all day and I just wanted a hug but I couldn’t communicate that.

I feel tired and stressed out and weird and lonely all at the same time. I’ve found myself getting so annoyed so easily about the stupidest things. I think I just need more sleep.

Love you!