All of the things. 79 to go…

I need to write. I don’t know what I need to write about, but I need to write.

I’m tired. Really tired. And I know this week is going to be living hell. I have so much work to do this week and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it all happen.

I really miss my friends. I really miss my parents. I really miss Jonathan. I really miss Meesh.

Here’s a thing: I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I call my mom when I need advice. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just weird. I needed boy advice and the only person I could think to call was my mom. And it was nice to get her input.

I love my friends here. I really do. I’m so deeply thankful for them. They’re the kind of people who challenge me but also let me be myself. That means a lot to me.

Fact: It’s impossible to be stressed while drinking tea. You have to sit there, breathe in the wonderful smell of it and let it warm up your hands before you drink it slowly and just let your body absorb all of the magic stored in Tea.

I’ve been listening to this over and over. The chords at the very beginning of the song do something really incredible for my Heart.

Also, the girl in this group does this thing where she sings with one side of her mouth and smiles slightly. It’s not something I can really explain, but I find it really gorgeous and incredibly attractive. I wish my face did that when I sang. My face looks more like this when I sing.


These are my gorgeous friends from Cantabile last year after we won an incredible victory. Read about that here

This song. It is the perfect pace to walk to, the words are deeply powerful, the drum part is fantastic, and the chords in the chorus speak to my Soul.

This is a weird post so I’m going to take this time to mention that I’m a lover of the oxford comma. Why doesn’t everyone use it all the time?

I think I’m becoming a feminist. Also, it took me three tries to spell the word feminist.

I’m making adult decisions. Who I’m living with, where I’m living, what I’m studying, who I’m dating, how I spend my time, what the heck I’m doing with my life. It’s weird and I like it, but I’m still not convinced that I’m old enough.

I’m on a kick of playing games from my childhood. Neopets, Howrse¬†and my friend Grace just taught me how to play Pokemon Crystal on my phone. Why did I never play it as a child? Jonathan and I used to watch it in Turkey, but this is crazy fun! Also, I go to a huge nerd school so the easiest way to get weird guys to talk to you is to play Pokemon on a replicator on your smart phone.


(yes, I named my Gastly Farts. I’m six years old. So sue me. Farts is now a level 17. BOOM!)

I’m rereading Looking For Alaska. It felt like the thing to do.

Calculus and Chemistry are going to kill me.

I haven’t done laundry in 4 weeks and I know that the more I put it off the worse it gets. But I just can’t make myself do it.

My back hurts. A lot.

I really wanna be single. Like, for the first time in my life I’m not bitter about being single because for the first time in my life it is on my own account. I’m really just being independent and getting to know people.

Why do people feel like knowing each other for two weeks is a reason to get in a relationship? Sure, everyone’s doing it, that doesn’t make it a good idea.

I always make the phrase “each other” one word the first time I write it and then have to go back in and fix it a minute later. I do it every single time.

Thus far in my life, I haven’t met a Doctor Who fan who I haven’t liked.

I’m in love with this song. I don’t know. I just do. (Do what? That’s not a cohesive sentence.)

I love the idea of being a teenage rebel. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at pictures of #punkdisney on Tumblr and something about it really… I don’t know… it speaks to me… does that sound dumb? Yes. Those aren’t the words I want to say, but they’re the only words I can think of to express what I mean.


this. Everything about this.

I love Lucky Charms.

I’m going to bed.

I love you!



Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 94 to go…

“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a [screwed]-up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.”

So I watched this movie tonight called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was supposed to be a good movie and instead I ended up crying.

It really was a great movie. It was beautiful and profound and deeply interesting. It forces you to be totally engaged with the movie and it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

It’s one of those movies that’s about fighting for lost love and seeing the good side of every situation and remembering what love means. Not gonna lie, I held my own hand through a good bit of it because I needed that. It was emotionally draining to say the least and it left me feeling really lonely.

I love angsty and sad movies like that. Movies that hurt to watch but are so real. But something about watching movies that are about imperfect, passionate and messy relationships makes me long for love like that. For love that isn’t perfect but is real. A relationship where the other person knows you inside and out. Where they love the quirks and the weirdness and every moment. Especially in this season of not truly knowing anyone it is easy to long for a deep, intimate relationship.

More than that, though, movies like that leave me feeling deeply alone. They always leave me feeling that I’ll never find love like that. It makes me feel that I’m too messed up or weird or awkward or unlovable to ever find a relationship like that. Maybe that’s silly, but it’s a legitimate feeling. There must be a reason that I have to hold my own hand during movies like that.

The main character of this movie totally reminded me of Alaska. She’s so honest and messed up and insecure and beautiful in all of her quirks. I’m so in love with characters like that. I don’t know, they speak to me. They seem so much like me in a more beautiful way. They’re deep and complicated and they don’t always understand themselves.

I’m too tired to flesh that out right now, but remind me tomorrow.

Love you!


Alaska in real life. 164 to go…

So if you have kept up with this silly little blog at all, you know how much I love Looking For Alaska. It’s the only work of fiction to truly change my life. I’m deeply inspired by the character of Alaska. To me, she is representative of all the things I want to be: smart, beautiful, mysterious, funny, intriguing, honest, thoughtful, witty and deep. I want to be all of the things she is and even though she is such a deeply broken character she is immensely unique and charming.

I have a Pinterest board called “Alaska” that is dedicated to all of the things I hope to be as a woman and all of the things I believe Alaska is. I’ve been working to become more of the person I want to be.

But I wonder how she feels. I wonder what it would feel like to be all of those things. Probably terrible. As a fictitious character, Alaska can be all of those things perfectly, but I cannot. I’m sure she would hate herself. She would feel too much and not enough all at once.

It’s funny, that’s how I feel in real life. I am both too much and not enough. But I look at a character who would feel the same thing about herself and yet, I want to be her. We always want what we do not have and I’m beginning to understand that it doesn’t matter what good qualities we may have, we will always see the bad. If I had all of Alaska’s positive qualifies I would still feel inadequet. That’s simply the way it goes.

That’s not to say that there aren’t lessons to be learned from these perfectly imperfect characters. We just need to acknowledge reality.

Love you!


What is the value of a human life? 194 to go…

How much is a human life worth? This is a question I’ve been pondering. I watched a VlogBrothers video about the value of life today and it has gotten me thinking.

You can measure value in how much someone could work to earn money. How much they could sell their body parts for. How much they would be worth as raw chemicals (carbon, calcium…) How much it costs to buy a slave. How much they own. They’re net impact on the planet. There seems to be no end to the way we calculate human value.

I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. -John Green, Looking for Alaska

I believe this. You can look at someone’s physical body, the DNA that made them up, the books they read, the friends they had, the stories they told, the music they read, the memories they made, the education they had, the childhood they had and you can still not know them. We are so much greater than the things that make us up.

There is something within us that is unknowable. Something that we can all see, but can never understand. That is why we have value as individuals. Because there is something that makes us 100% unique. Something that is ours and ours alone. Something that we seek to express and understand. This thing, our soul is what makes us different from one another but also makes us the same.

My dad and I were discussing this and he said to me “If our lives are worth what people will pay, then what about Jesus?” That’s something I need to think about…

Mission of the Day- Think about what gives human life its value.

Love you!


I want to do things. 198 to go…

I don’t want to be one of those girls who talks about all the things she has or will do. I want to do things.

I know so many people who are nothing but talk. I want to do things. Like, really do them. I want to do the wild, and the crazy, and the risky. I want to spend less time talking about doing things and more time actually doing them.

Love you!


Alaska and wanting. 301 to go…

I wish I knew what to say today. I’ve been reading through some Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns quotes.

Gosh. I forgot how much I want to be Alaska and Margo Roth Spiegelman. To be a girl with streaks to maintain. To be the kind of girl who’s a legend. The kind of girl worth talking about once I’m gone.

Can I be really honest with you? I really don’t think I’m that great. I’m pudgy, awkward, loud, obnoxious, weird, nerdy, clumsy, emotional and a tad bit clingy. I don’t have a cute way of looking out of the corner of my eye, of half smiling, or making literary references that normal people understand. I’m just plain old me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy living the life I’ve been given, but goodness, I find myself aching to be noticed. To have someone to text and to feel giggly around. Someone who makes me smile and who actually likes me.

Isn’t that so human? “I just want to be loved…” Yes Ben Rector, me too…

Question of the Day- what do you want? Like, really, desperately, acheinthestomach want?

Love you!


Feeling alive. 305 to go…

I think that there are times where we feel more alive than others. Our state of being alive doesn’t change (until we die) but we have highs and lows of existence. And I have something pretty terrible to admit.

Some of the times I feel most alive are when my heart is breaking. It’s not a good sense of being alive, but I’m very much aware of my humanity and the fact that I’m alive. I think that pain has a way of letting us know that We’re alive. You can almost feel your humanity aching in your bones.

But those aren’t the only times when I feel alive. When I’m falling in like (because falling in love is cliche and scary) or sitting in the sunshine or drinking tea and listening to Ben Rector. I feel alive and I feel beauty in that life.

Sometimes, I think we hold on to heartbreak and stress just to feel alive. We have a death grip on our problems because We’re afraid that if we solve them we won’t know what to do with ourselves. I know that I’m guilty of that.

So I’m setting a goal for myself. I want to be a happy person. I want to be that free spirit and that interesting girl. I want to be Alaska and I want to be Margo Roth Spiegelman. So, I’m moving on.

I’ve spent a lot of time stressing over a certain boy over the past couple of months and a different boy over the past couple years. I’ve been Freaking out about college. I’ve been reading sad books and crying into my tea. I need to get some more sleep and I need to breathe more. So I’m going to try doing that. Sure, there is healthy stress and I do need to be thinking about college and such, but I need to do that in a healthy way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Question of the Day- when do you feel most alive?

Mission of the Day- hug a mannequine. Just do it.

Love you!