Update. 32 to go…

The past month and a half has been absolutely mad. I’ve been incredibly busy with school work, friends, and work. I’ve also been working through some issues in my life and between all of this I haven’t had the time or desire to write. I’ve also been trying to process through things on my own before I share them with the whole world. I guess this is what growing up is about. So here’s a little update on my life since early November.

I took my finals and finished the semester with a bang. It was a lot of work but I’m really proud of how I ended the semester and of the grades I got.

I went home for the first time all semester for Thanksgiving and had the most amazing time with my family and my friends. I have never been more thankful to be home in the warm arms of the people I love the most.

1799148_10153372325609972_2794151191504010471_oMe and my three best friends: my siblings.

My wonderful boyfriend came and stayed with me for a week before finals. We had an amazing time just being together, exploring, and going to Niagara Falls.

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Us in front of the American side of Niagara Falls. We went over to the Canadian side, but it was so dark out that it was hard to get a good picture on that side.

I’m now home for winter break and have been having a marvelous time relaxing and spending time with my family and friends. We had a really beautiful and low key Christmas. I’ve been working and playing the piano and sleeping.

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My family has been taking Christmas selfies every year since my parents got married 23 years ago.

All of these things have been really great, but the biggest thing I’ve done in the last two months is a little less exciting. For many years I’ve dealt with depression in various different ways but this October I took a big step in the right direction. I went to the doctor to talk about this depression and see what I could do. The doctor told me that I have chronic depression and have been dealing with some PTSD after an incident that occurred last year. After talking about my options I decided that I wanted to try antidepressants. I was really hesitant in this choice because it felt like I was admitting that there was something wrong with me but the doctor told me something that really stuck with me.

This is an issue of brain chemistry. This isn’t your fault. You don’t refuse cancer treatments because you don’t want to admit that your cells are doing a bad job and it is no different with your brain.

I had never thought of it like that and I am so glad he said that to me. Let me tell you, I feel like a whole new person. I have had one day of unexplainable sadness in the past two months as opposed to three to five days per week. I have been so productive and motivated. I’ve done my homework, I’ve cleaned our whole house, I’ve cleared off my desk, I’ve slept. I can’t say how amazing it has been. I feel more alive than I have in years.

I haven’t really been able to write about this recently because it is so personal and because it has been such a process. I’ve found it really helpful to write poetry and I’ve been writing somewhat consistent updates here. As I continue to deal with this and continue to grow I think it will be easier to write more often and I hope to post here more consistently in the coming months.

Thank you for all of your support and all of the love you’ve all shown me, it means so much to me. I hope you’re having an amazing holiday season and that your new year is full of love.

Love you guys!!

Abby

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i am a woman. 36 to go…

i’m not a
delicate teacup
for you to
enjoy without
touching

nor am i a
simple mug
for you to
drink from
daily

i’m not a pretty
thing
meant to be
left on a shelf
and looked at

nor am i a
kitchen utensil
for you to use
as it suits you

do not try
to personify me
into the manmade
objects
around you

my heartbreak
is not art
and my tears
are not poetry

my pain is not
a painting you can
sit and stare at
and attempt to
find meaning in

i am not
some beautiful
porcelain jar
that can hold
my thoughts
and sit quietly

i was made
from the mud
of this earth

i am dark
and misshapen

i have been dropped
and cracked
and slowly
chipped away

so don’t look
for me
in the things
you have made
look for me
in the things
you cannot control

find me
laughing in the
colors of fall

find me
singing in the
babbling brook

find me
dancing in the
spring breeze

find me
screaming in the
waterfall

find me
running in the
rolling hills

i am not
something you
can understand
and i am not
something you
can stop

I don’t typically share my poetry on this blog, but it took me several hours to write this one and I’m very proud of it. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how we try to write about people so we can understand and capture them, and this came of that.

Love you!

Abby

A changed me. 41 to go…

One of my favorite things about my college is all of the random and encouraging graffiti around. One of my favorite places on campus is the third floor bathroom in the library because it’s always full of honest and encouraging things written all over the walls. Well I was in there for the first time since last semester and I came across this map on the wall. 10625148_10153110326829972_2636383318552121710_n

This all began as a part of a question in the top left side of the picture “what are you guilty of?” I remembered seeing this last year and as I read the various comments surrounding it I recognized my own handwriting. “Not telling you how I feel.” As I stared at these words that past-Abby had written I was taken back to the moment when I wrote this in April and how I felt. I remembered the stupid and beautiful things he made me write. I remember thinking that I loved him and thinking that the physical pain of him not noticing would kill me. It all came flooding back and honestly it shocked me.

Those feelings suddenly feel so foreign to me. They feel so far away and sad to me. They feel like something from a dream, a sad dream. Part of me wonders if it’s because I’m in a happy and fulfilling relationship that I don’t feel like this anymore, but the rest of me knows that it’s because I’ve changed.

I’m not the same person I was when I wrote that back in April. I’m not the same girl who pined after him for months.

I’ve grown a lot and learned so much over these past couple months. I’ve become more confident in myself, I know what I want, I’ve learned how to say what I want, I’ve learned how to rest, I’ve become more OK with being me.

It has occurred to me as I’m writing this that I’ve written things like this before, and then I realized that this isn’t going to be a one time thing in my life. I’m going to continue to learn and grow and experience and become more of the person I want to be.

I was in a conversation with the person I’m with about being an awkward middle-schooler and about how much I’ve changed even since graduating high school and he told me he’s definitely noticed a difference in me since the end of high school. I’ve definitely noticed a difference in me to, and I think it’s come from living on my own, making better friends, learning from my mistakes, becoming more confident, and making my own decisions. I’ve changed in so many ways and I like this version of me so much better than every previous version, but I know there is still change to come.

So this is just something I’ve been thinking about a lot and that was really brought to the front of my mind by seeing this little note from past me.

Question of the Day – What are you guilty of? How have you changed?

Love you!

Abby

54 to go…

I keep hoping he’s going to walk into this coffee shop and see me and smile, he’ll sit down and ask how I am and what I’m writing about and I’ll tell him that I’m fine and I’m writing about a wonderful boy who I like a lot but who doesn’t like me back, he’ll say he’s sorry and I’ll say it’s OK and that I’m used to it and that I’ll be fine. I will be fine, but right now I’m not.

It’s one thing to have a Crush and to hope that maybe the other person feels the same. Every little thing they do makes you giggle. Every smile, every touch, every text, every kind gesture, every stupid joke, every gentle word, everything. You’re somehow better when they’re around, they make everything brighter. Every thing they do holds a special kind of potential. But all of this hope, all of these beautiful dreams die when you catch them looking at someone else the way you’ve looked at them. You catch his glance lingering on her and suddenly you know, it isn’t you. No. It isn’t me. It wasn’t me. It never is.

i won’t say that i
loved him
because all too often 

love is misplaced 
and misunderstood 
and i didn’t know him 
well enough 
to love him
but i loved his laugh 
and his ease 
and his eyes 
and his passion 
and i loved the way 
i felt 
around him

I want to write all sorts of stupid, angsty things about how this pain is a “special kind of devastation,”  and about how “my heart is drowning,” and all sorts of other ridiculous thing. But it’s true. To quote the marvelous John Green, “It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating.” It does hurt. It hurts so badly to not be liked. Every time it’s her and not me I hear the words “you are not good enough” over and over again in my head. It’s a constant reminder that I’m not enough. That I, once again, don’t measure up.

I feel so stupid for feeling like this, I had no right to want him in the first place. I had no right to let my heart pretend that things were going to be different. I had no right to hope in the first place. There’s no one to blame but myself.

i asked a question
whose answer i didn’t
want

now i know

you love her

“of course he likes her
everyone knows that”

i’m such a fool

it’s not that i didn’t
see it
it’s that i didn’t
want to

i see the way you
look at her
like she is the most
beautiful thing
you’ve ever seen

and she is

she is so
beautiful
kind
funny
talented
graceful
artsy

i just hoped that you
were looking at me
like that
when i wasn’t
looking

but i guess not

I meant it when I said that I was OK being single, I do feel good about it. I feel whole and complete, and I know I don’t need him. But he is so wonderful and I care about him a lot. I almost feel guilty for wanting a relationship just because I am so happy being single, but I know that this is different. I didn’t want him to complete me, I wanted to know him and to learn from him and be close to him. Even though I’m happy and fulfilled on my own, this still hurts so deeply. So, so deeply.

I saw unrequited love defined as “Its like drowning but you just won’t … die.” I’m pretty sure that this is  the saddest, but also most accurate thing I’ve ever read in my life.

So now what? Now I guess I just go on pretending everything is OK and I try to get over it and try to kill these stupid feelings before they burrow any deeper and make this any harder. Now I just sleep a lot, drink tea, listen to sad music, write angsty poems, pray for peace, and cry. Cry a lot.

Love you!

Abby

Wanderlust. 56 to go…

i want to see the world
i mean it

i want to travel
explore
discover
taste
listen
learn

i want to drive
across the country
see all there is to
see

hike the grand canyon
eat legendary food
drive fast
sleep under the stars
learn to play the banjo
read a hundred books
sing with the radio
race across the desert

i want to buy an
old van
put carpet on the floor
and a mattress in the back
and fill it with
memories

i want to buy a plane ticket
to a place i’ve never been
go couch surfing
go to local bars
buy fresh vegetables
see everything
and then jump on the next train
out of there

there’s a whole big
world
full of beautiful
people
places
things
and i want to see them
all

i can’t stand
standing
still

Love you!

Abby

a SAD poem. 61 to go…

the Sun comes out
the world is bright

Hope blooms
Joy flourishes
Laughter sings

the cold winter is forgotten
the promise of spring

no sadness
no pain
no stress

for just a moment
All is well

but in comes the Darkness

the sun has left
the world is Dark

Pain grabs
Depression suffocates
Defeat consumes

the sun has left us
the sun does not love us

no hope
no joy
no laughter

for many months
Nothing is right

but the Sun will come again
Hope will stand on feeble feet
Laughter will return with the birds
Healing will come with the Sun
Joy will come with the flowers

the darkness cannot last forever
it will not last forever
and neither will
the pain
the depression
the defeat

for darkness does not come
without the Promise of
Light.

An Angsty Poem. 65 to go…

How do I tell you
I barely know you
and yet I love you

Or I think it’s love

I know
you make
the butterflies
in my stomach
giggle

I want to be
so close
to you

I want to
know you

I want to know
your hands
your eyes
your laugh
your stories
your fears
your dreams

How do I tell
you
these things
that barely
make sense
to
me

I just know that
you
make
me
smile

And I know
that I want
you
to smile
because of
me

Isn’t that love
wanting
your joys
to be
my joys

I want
long nights
telling our histories
smiling
laughing
breathing
being
with you

All these
words
feelings
thoughts
what do they
mean
and how
do I
tell you

I want
I want
I want
I want you
I want you
to want
me too

So yea, there’s some teenage angst for you.

Abby