Senior Prom. 146 to go…

I am so freaking tired and the only thing I did today was sleep.

Senior Prom was last night. The whole day was crazy. We went to school and got our caps and gowns and then we took a class picture. Then Nicole and I went to buy fake flowers to make corsages and got bagels at Panera. I got my hair done and then went to Nicole’s to get ready and then we went and took pictures. It was a nutty day, but I loved it. And prom would have been perfect except for two things.

1. The dance floor was absolutely tiny. Homeschool prom’s dance floor was twice as big and there was a fifth of the number of people there.

2. The DJ straight up sucked. All he played was ghetto booty music that was perfect for grinding but terrible for Dancing. And if you’re into grinding then good for you, but I’m not about that kind of thing.

There were a couple of really great moments where I just loved it, but I’m sad that those two things had such an impact on the whole experience.

I’m trying to really focus on all of the things I liked about prom, all of the fun things that we did, because I want to remember it as positively as I can.

The one thing I walked away from prom feeling was lonely. It seems like even the nerdiest and most awkward people all had dates and still no one asked me. It’s hard to watch everyone slow Dancing and just know that all you can do is stand there or try and hide in the bathroom for the next 4 minutes. I want to pretend that it just didn’t affect me all that much, but honestly, it made me really sad. And I know that there is so much more to life than having some silly high school boy to slow dance with, but it gets so easy to feel lovely and unlovable. It’s something that I need to be working through in my life and in my head. Gosh, it hurts…

Maybe I’m just emotional because I’m tired or because it feels like everything is ending but it physically hurts right now how lonely I feel. Isn’t that silly? To be so distraught over what matters so little? But here I am.

I guess that I did have a lot of fun at prom and I’m so glad that I went. I love my friends so dearly and I can’t believe how close we are to graduating…

Love you!



Prom is tomorrow! 147 to go…

Senior prom is tomorrow. I can hardly wait. I can’t even put into words how excited I am about it. I hope It’s as wonderful as I imagine it will be.

I do still wish that I had a date, but I’m so excited to just be going with my friends. We are making silk flower corsages (or however that’s spelled,) tomorrow and I’m excited. I’m excited for everything about this. I truly am.

Love you!


Saying yes. 149 to go…

I loved this video. It really inspired me and reminded me of all the things I have had the opportunity to say yes to this year.

I asked a boy to prom: given, he didn’t give me an answer so I had to awkwardly tell him not to worry about it and now I’m going by myself, but I’m glad that I asked.I would have regretted not taking that opportunity.

I bought a bikini: I told myself that I’m finally good enough. That I am no longer at war with my body and that the way I am is enough for the first time in my life.

I’ve started video Blogging: I have wanted to do it for years and never did because I didn’t think I had the right camera or that I was interesting enough. But I decided that those things didn’t hold me back when I ventured into this project, so why should they hold me back in that respect?

I did The Fifth: I have loved being a part of drama in my church and wanted a chance to step up and be more independent and I did it. The Fifth was an incredible part of my senior year and I’m so grateful that I did it.

I’ve become friends with people I never imagined being friends with: This year has given me many opportunities to become friends with people who are younger than me or who aren’t like me. I’ve said no to being intimidated by people and spent more time trying to get to know people and I am so grateful for that.

I CHOSE A COLLEGE: If you’ve been with me for any amount of time you know how hard this college thing was for me at first. I was terrified to go away and to leave the first place that has been a true home to me. But I made a choice, I’m going to college. And the choice was mine and I am immensely proud of that choice.

I took a boy to Winter Formal: Given, it was my friend Colton, but I asked him and I’m glad I did. It was so much fun and he is an absolutely incredible friend and I know that I would have regretted not asking.

I’ve gone to school functions: Me and my friends have gone to every school dance, I went to my first highschool football game, we went to miniTHON, I went on field trips and activities and I am so glad that I’ve chosen to participate in so many things.

I’m sure I could think of many more things that I’ve said yes to this year, but those are the ones I am most proud of. Things that make me feel confident in who I am and happy for how I’ve spent my year.

Mission of the Day- Make a list of all the things you’ve said yes to this year and tell me about it. Shoot me an e-mail, leave me a comment. (I forgot how much I like doing these, I might make them a regular occurrence again)

Love you!!!


Homeschool Prom. 163 to go…

I really need to go to bed, I also really need to write about homeschool prom.

Last night was homeschool prom. I’m not homeschooled, but many of my friends are so I went with them. I got ready with Sharon, Bethany and Tabitha and listened go Taylor Swift and One Direction while painting our nails, doing our hair and makeup and hanging out. It felt so girly and ridiculous, but I loved every moment of it.

Then Tabitha and I met up with Gretchen and Forrest and took pictures at a playground before going over to this hotel to take pictures with Penelope, Josh, Meesh and Erika. We took pictures, laughed and just had a beautiful time.

We drove to the place where prom was being held and we ate and we read fortune cookies and I explained to all of my innocent homeschooled friends how to make fortune cookies funny. I felt like the bad public schooler corrupting all of my friends (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then I would look it up,) we took some more pictures and then danced. I felt wild, uninhibited, crazy and beautiful all at once and I loved it. Forrest was in charge of choosing the music for the evening and because he is the absolute best ever he played The Dancing Queen for me. I danced and sang and celebrated existing. It was so beautiful and I just loved it.

We all drove to my friend Rachel’s house for the after prom party and all of the seniors released lanterns. I have always wanted to do that and I finally got to. Penelope and I shared a lantern and it was so cool to watch it float off into the sky. We came inside and talked and played Never Have I Ever and Truth Or Truer (a game I invented,) and had fun. Meesh and I looked through our pictures together and laughed and had a marvelous time.

I really need to go to bed. I’m working at 6 tomorrow morning… Kill me now. On the plus side, there’s a cute new guy at work who is nice, attractive and my age. Score!

Love you!!


Prom, growing up, college. 172 to go…

This blog post comes to you in three parts, going from saddest to happiest: prom, growing up, college.

Part one- Prom
So I asked this guy to prom, it took him over 12 hours just to let me know that he needed some time to think about it and hasn’t gotten back to me in 5 days. First he ignored me in school and then we talked and totally avoided the issue. He still hasn’t gotten back to me so today I told him to not worry about it. I do weird and awkward pretty well on my own and I don’t need more friendships in which everything is weird. So I figured that I would just handle that weirdness. It made me really sad. It feels worse than rejection. Knowing that someone feels so weird that they can’t even give you any answer. I went to my dad’s office and cried. I felt really hurt. But hey, life is good.

Part two- growing up
I went and got my passport pictures taken today. It occurred to me that the same picture will be in my passport for the next ten years and that so much is going to change in ten years. At 28 I’ll probably be married and having kids. I won’t be the same 18 year-old I am today. That picture will not look like me anymore.

Part three- college
I sent in my deposite today for the college I’ll be going to next year. I can’t even believe it. I’m totally not going where I thought I would be and It’s weird. I’ve made a choice, I’ve sent in a deposit, I’m done. It is so good to be done. To know what I’m going. At the same time, I’m not sure how qualified I am to make that decision.


Love you!!


Extra fragile. 176 to go…

I believe that we all deserve days when we are extra fragile. It took me weeks to pick up the nerve to ask a boy to prom and then it takes him 12 hours to just tell me that he needs to think about it. I get criticized by guests at work for things that aren’t my fault. I found a crack in my new ukulele. My face is breaking out. I’m a little fragile.

There are days like today when it takes less than nothing to make me cry.

Why do I feel so deeply unlovable? Looking at people in happy relationships serves only to make me feel lonely. Why do my friends get asked to prom in cute ways or go on dates and have boyfriends while I’m… Not? I’m happy for my friends, but I do start to feel jealous. But mostly I feel lonely and rotten.

There are days when I feel like a  princess and days where I am nothing but an ugly step sister. I’m sure you can imagine which of those I feel more often. And fragile days like today are the worst.

I know that there’s more to life than this, but it would surely be nice to have someone who likes me for me and will hold my hand. Those are the two things that I think I need most at the moment.

Love you!


177 to go…

I have many important things to write about, but right now I’m just kinda Freaking out. Asked a boy to prom, via text (because I suck,) six hours ago and he still hasn’t responded. That’s it. He hates me. Gah. This really is the difficult part.

Love you!