CORE, Growing Up, Poetry, and other Stuff. 70 to go…

I have about a billion things rolling around in my head right now, things that are long enough to write half a paragraph about, but not long enough to elaborate on. So this is going to be one of those stream of consciousness (a word I can never spell right,) kind of posts.

CORE Reaction was this weekend, and this is the first time in five years that I haven’t gone. It’s been incredible to see pictures, blog posts, FaceBook statuses and so much more about it from my friends back home. It seems like it was an incredible weekend and I’m so glad to hear about all the things everyone learned and experienced, at the same time I can’t help but be jealous. CORE was one of the places where I grew the most and made the most incredible friends I’ve ever had. I wish I had been able to be there with everyone.


Meesh and I from last year’s CORE React. Aren’t we just so cute?

In thinking back to last year’s retreat I reread my post about it from last year (check that out here) and couldn’t help but feel that I’ve been in a similar place recently. A place where I’ve been running away from the big things, the scary things, the hard things. Running from the people who don’t say the easy things, running from hard conversations, running from reality, and running from consequences. I think I’ve been making steps back to where I want to be over the past couple weeks. (These New Semester Resolutions are doing me good.) It’s just a reminder of where I’m coming from and where I’m trying to go.


Last year’s group from CORE React. I’ve been blessed time and time again to know these people and grow along side of them. 

I did a really scary thing this week. I went to church by myself for the first time in my life. If you know me at all or have been reading for a long time then you know that I’m a pastor’s kid and a missionary’s kid. I’ve pretty comfortable in churches. I’ve spent a lot of time standing up in front of churches speaking, singing, acting, or just watching my parents speak. But it’s totally different when you are by yourself. No parents to follow, no friends to sit with, no acquaintances (another word I can’t ever spell) to smile at. But that’s what I wanted. I wanted to go in by myself so that I would have no distractions. I’ve only visited one church, but I love it there. It’s very similar to my church back home and I think it’s a great fit for me. In the end I’m so glad that I went.

In looking for the two photos I posted above I had to scroll past hundreds and hundreds of pictures from the past year and I was filled with joy and great memories as I scrolled through a visual representation of my life. My birthday party, The Fifth, Roxbury, my last Choir Concert, my first visit to the College I’m now attending, Homeschool Prom, my Last Day of High School, Graduation, Haiti, College adventures, Ever After, Christmas, and so many other random moments in between.


Graduation with Meesh


My Music Theory class on  the Last Day of High School


Homeschool Prom with Erika, Penny, me, Meesh, and Tabitha.


The Fifth with Kayla, Zach, Josh, me, and Bethany.


Food after our last Choir Concert.


Haiti, where I left a piece of my heart. 

It’s occurred to me that I don’t look like these pictures anymore. My hair has slowly changed color with less dye and more Dirty Hippie magic, I’ve gotten new glasses that I like enough to wear all the time, I’ve started wearing homemade makeup (maybe I’ll talk about that later. Email me if you wanna know about this,) my fashion sense (or lack there of,) has changed. It’s also occurred to me that it’s not just that I look different, but that I am different. I’m just not the same person I used to be. I’ve grown, experienced, seen, changed, felt, read, listened, learned.


Because I don’t believe in attractive selfies, this is the best I could find.
Love these three. Me, Zach, Meesh, and Josh.

I’ve always preferred reading poetry to writing it (“Hazel Grace, you are the only teenager in America who prefers reading poetry to writing it. This tells me so much. You read a lot of capital-G great books, don’t you?“) So I brought back some of my favorite poetry books from home, and I’m just reminded of all the things I love. But now I’ve got all these words floating around in my head. I feel like I need to write something, I just have to get around to it.

Here’s a favorite poem of mine:

As a child I walked
with noisy fingers 

along the hemline
of so many meadows
back home

Green fabric
stretched out
   shy earth
   shock of sky

I’d sit on logs like pulpits
listen to the sermon
of sparrows
and find god in Simplicity
there amongst the dandelion
and thorn

Mission of the Day- Find me a Poem!!

Love you!!!



All of the things. 79 to go…

I need to write. I don’t know what I need to write about, but I need to write.

I’m tired. Really tired. And I know this week is going to be living hell. I have so much work to do this week and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it all happen.

I really miss my friends. I really miss my parents. I really miss Jonathan. I really miss Meesh.

Here’s a thing: I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I call my mom when I need advice. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just weird. I needed boy advice and the only person I could think to call was my mom. And it was nice to get her input.

I love my friends here. I really do. I’m so deeply thankful for them. They’re the kind of people who challenge me but also let me be myself. That means a lot to me.

Fact: It’s impossible to be stressed while drinking tea. You have to sit there, breathe in the wonderful smell of it and let it warm up your hands before you drink it slowly and just let your body absorb all of the magic stored in Tea.

I’ve been listening to this over and over. The chords at the very beginning of the song do something really incredible for my Heart.

Also, the girl in this group does this thing where she sings with one side of her mouth and smiles slightly. It’s not something I can really explain, but I find it really gorgeous and incredibly attractive. I wish my face did that when I sang. My face looks more like this when I sing.


These are my gorgeous friends from Cantabile last year after we won an incredible victory. Read about that here

This song. It is the perfect pace to walk to, the words are deeply powerful, the drum part is fantastic, and the chords in the chorus speak to my Soul.

This is a weird post so I’m going to take this time to mention that I’m a lover of the oxford comma. Why doesn’t everyone use it all the time?

I think I’m becoming a feminist. Also, it took me three tries to spell the word feminist.

I’m making adult decisions. Who I’m living with, where I’m living, what I’m studying, who I’m dating, how I spend my time, what the heck I’m doing with my life. It’s weird and I like it, but I’m still not convinced that I’m old enough.

I’m on a kick of playing games from my childhood. Neopets, Howrse and my friend Grace just taught me how to play Pokemon Crystal on my phone. Why did I never play it as a child? Jonathan and I used to watch it in Turkey, but this is crazy fun! Also, I go to a huge nerd school so the easiest way to get weird guys to talk to you is to play Pokemon on a replicator on your smart phone.


(yes, I named my Gastly Farts. I’m six years old. So sue me. Farts is now a level 17. BOOM!)

I’m rereading Looking For Alaska. It felt like the thing to do.

Calculus and Chemistry are going to kill me.

I haven’t done laundry in 4 weeks and I know that the more I put it off the worse it gets. But I just can’t make myself do it.

My back hurts. A lot.

I really wanna be single. Like, for the first time in my life I’m not bitter about being single because for the first time in my life it is on my own account. I’m really just being independent and getting to know people.

Why do people feel like knowing each other for two weeks is a reason to get in a relationship? Sure, everyone’s doing it, that doesn’t make it a good idea.

I always make the phrase “each other” one word the first time I write it and then have to go back in and fix it a minute later. I do it every single time.

Thus far in my life, I haven’t met a Doctor Who fan who I haven’t liked.

I’m in love with this song. I don’t know. I just do. (Do what? That’s not a cohesive sentence.)

I love the idea of being a teenage rebel. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at pictures of #punkdisney on Tumblr and something about it really… I don’t know… it speaks to me… does that sound dumb? Yes. Those aren’t the words I want to say, but they’re the only words I can think of to express what I mean.


this. Everything about this.

I love Lucky Charms.

I’m going to bed.

I love you!


270 to go…

Oh I’m in love with a big blue frog, a big blue frog loves me. Ribbet ribbet ribbet.

That’s what’s going on in my head. I’m tired and thinky. But mostly tired. I have boys on my mind, per usual and am a little stressed.

Musical cast lists go up tomorrow. If I didn’t make it then I might just need to give up on singing forever.

Why am I not good at the things I love? Writing, singing, playing the piano, acting. I’m not God awful at any of those things, but I’m just not that good at them.

Love you!


280 to go…

There is so little that I have to say today. I’m tired. But I get to sleep in tomorrow. Sweetness. The charger on my phone broke. Darned universe. I’m thinking about a boy. And this other boy. I’m confused. What’s going on?


Sorry. 283 to go…

I want to apologize for that past post.

The truth is that I do feel all of those things and sometimes it just hits me how much I feel them. And my problem is that I need to say that. I need to say how much I feel those things because otherwise I might hit a tree.

I know that life is good. I know that God is great. I know that I’m loved. It’s just a matter of feeling it. Because I don’t always feel it.

Thanks for everything.


Life doesn’t make sense… 356 to go…

The title says it all.

Question of the Day- what is the one thing you are trying to make sense of right now?

Random Fact of the Day- the Russians nefarious Christian so that they could drink vodka.

Mission of the Day- sleep.

Love you!


Day 336

I’m so tired that I legitimately cannot think straight. All I want is sleep… Funny how our bodies do that to us, they just decide that it is your bed time and you must sleep.

Well I don’t want my body to be upset at me, so I think I’ll oblige and go to bed.

Random Fact of the Day- approximately half of the population of Denmark has a Facebook account.

Mission of the Day- I’m waiting for something at the moment. What are you waiting for? (like, legit, what is the one major thing you are waiting for?)

Love you!