He’s not going to change. 213 to go…

So, we often talk about good girls and bad boys. I blame songs like this. This is so incredibly adorable and it made all the squishy, feminine parts of my heart say “AWWWWW!!!!”

Girls have one very fatal flaw, and that is this: “But he’s different with me. He’ll change for me.” I’m guilty of this. There was a boy who I liked for a long time who I knew was trouble (I knew you were trouble when you walked in… Sorry. That was necessary. Watch this while you’re at it)

ANYWAY… I liked him a lot and I made some poor decisions because of it. I knew what kind of guy he was and I had seen the way he treated girls, but somewhere in my mind I said to myself “It’s OK because I’m different.” Guess what? I was wrong.

I wasn’t different. And I’m still not. I’m not special and the pattern is not going to magically change for me. That’s a hard reality to face, especially when you’re emotions are tied into it. It’s not that this boy was a bad kid because of it, he’s just being who he is. And he’s a very good friend of mine and I think he’s fantastic, but I know what he’s like. I shouldn’t have let my mind go there, but I did because I was living under the delusion that I was special.

We often live under that impression. The idea that, somehow, the rules don’t apply to us because we’re special. That we don’t need to follow the speed limit, or eat healthy, or stay away from that person because the rules are different for us. And we’re so wrong. I’m not accusing here, I do it all the time. But let me tell you, you’re not special.

The rules apply to you. That boy is not going to change for you no matter how much you think he likes you. And don’t go telling me “but this is different!” because you’re wrong. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Unless he says that he’s going to change and then does something about it, don’t believe it. And boys, I’m talking to you too. She’s not going to change for you. I’m sorry that it sucks, but it’s true. Just take my word for it. I’ve been on this planet for a while (not a super long while, but long enough to know a little bit about something,) and this has been my experience every single time.

Sorry that that had to be bitter and depressing, it was just something on my mind as I watched that video and I felt like it needed to be said.

Mission of the Day- Tell me your thoughts on this matter.

Second Mission of the Day- Show that Taylor Swift video to someone and make them laugh.

Love you!



Day 306

I worked all day today, and all I’ve had time to think about was how much I love music. I love it when she walks right through me… Stuck in my head forever. Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine. Life makes love look hard. Incredibly adorable. And that’s about it. I’ve been going and going without stopping, and that’s how its going to be for the next couple of days. Pray for my sanity.

Love you!


Day 256

Quick update for you: still in a good bit of pain. I’ve been sneezing a lot today, which hurts like a stake through my side. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping since my ribs are affected by however I choose to lay down. The pain has kind of spread into my upper lungs as well as in the center of my chest just over my breast bone. Blech… I’m not a fan.

I spent a good part of my day hanging out with my fabulous by friend Penelope. We sang some Taylor Swift songs, made up some lyrics, threatened her fish, drank some tea from a real tea pot and watched Doctor Who. It was a truly lovely day and I really enjoyed Just being alive.

Yesterday I didn’t have time to tell you but I spent most of my aftegnomon with two of my closest friends, Anna and Meesh. We had a really lovely time. Just sitting in the garden, talking about childhood, laughing and just being together. It was also lovely.

I watched a good bit of Doctor Who today and it has gotten me thinking. At one point the Doctor says “humans think they’re eternal. That’s they are immortal.” And how true is that? We don’t think that we will ever come to an end. It’s like everything I’ve ever said about perspective. We see the world in first person. It all revolves around us. And the people who are involved in our lives are just sub characters in the story or our lives. They merely add to the fascinating plot line that is our life. And we assume that when we are gone, people cease to exist. When we die, if we die, the world simply ends because that is the way it must be. I love what John Green said about this in Looking for Alaska:

When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are.

We think we’re so big. We think we’re so unbreakable. But I’ve been rapping my mind around just how fragile we are. Life is so small, and ends so fast. We are so insignificant and forgotten so quickly.

I think we all want to be remembered after we die. But does it really matter? In the end we will ALL be forgotten because in the end we must all die. That’s horribly morbid to say, but think about it. If we are all destined to end, does it make a huge difference if we are remembered for hundreds of years after we are gone?

I have much more to say about this, but I’m physically exhausted.

Random Fact of the Day- acupuncture says that the body has 144,000 energy spheres… Wow.

Mission of the day- contemplate what you would want to be remembered for.

Love you!


Day 255

Unfortunately I don’t have much time to write tonight. I’m physically exhausted so I’m just going to fill you in on what has happened in the past couple of hours.

I have a pretty nasty pain on my lower left side underwhy rib cage. It’s basically a shooting pain that hits when I breathe, swallow, hiccough, laugh, burp, cough or sneeze. The pain was pretty consistent all day yesterday and when I woke up this morning it was even worse. So I went to the doctor and he said that it is probably a muscle problem. GAH!!!!

As Taylor Swift once said “I just want to feel ok again.” yep. Me too.

Remindme totally you about scars and the maundy Thursday service. But for now I just have to go to bed.

Random fact of the day- my phone’s t9 knows the word “hipster” thought you would want to know that.

Mission of the day- consider the hipster.

Love you!


Day 219

Well, today has been pretty boring day. Nothing super exciting today. But I have been thinking. Mostly about college.

We had a guy come and speak to us today about college. That was interesting, just thinking about what it is I want to do. Where I want to go. Those kinds of things. People are always asking about “What do you want to do with your life?” and those kinds of things. I don’t know what I want to do, career-wise, with my life. But I do know more of what I want to be, person-wise.

Today as I was driving around and around my neighborhood (practicing driving a stick,) I was listening to Taylor Swift. Call me sappy, but I love her music. In my life the song Back to December has always stuck with me.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right
I’d go back in time and change it, but I can’t.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

I don’t know. It’s just beautifully said.

At the beginning of the CD booklet there is a prologue to the Speak Now album. And the prologue is always so telling of the purpose of things, whether that be a book, an album or a movie. So as I was reading this prologue there were several things that stuck out to me.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

Hmmmmm… Isn’t that so right? Hesitation can ruin that one moment that is so important in life. The choice to say or not say something can change everything. There are things that I wish I had said things, or things I wish I hadn’t said.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn’t speak up. When we didn’t say “I love you.” When we should’ve said “I’m sorry.” When we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to live with regrets. A friend of mine was telling me that they have a certain number of morals. I can’t say that I’ve ever sat down to list my life like  that. I’m not really a list person. There are people who know exactly what they stand for, or things they want to do before they die. I just have general idea’s. So one of mine would be I want to live with no regrets.

Random Fact of the Day- The world’s smallest cat weighs only 3 pounds.

Mission of the Day- Whip your hair back and forth rather violently.

Love you!


Day 218

What a lovely day. I started by waking up around 9 (which is sleeping in in my house hold) and just kinda sat around. It was rather lovely.

I went over to Gretchen’s around 1. I was driving with the windows down (lovely weather), listening to Let the Good Times Roll. When suddenly I drive by this house and the entire yard was purple. I pulled over and just sat there looking for a while. The entire yard was covered in Jonny Jump-Ups. It was beautiful. As Ben Rector said:

She hates the winter, she can’t stand anything that she can’t change.

Yep, that’s me. I’m so ready for it to be spring. For all I care it can be my birthday and then it can be April.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my birthday, I’m going to be 17 this year. 17 is a big year. There are no new responsibilities, but there is something special about 17. At least from the outside it seems like it. I’ll be the dancing queen, young and sweet, only 17.

So, Gretchen and I hung out for a while and then went to this lovely vintage store and tried on all these crazy dresses. Then we went and got ice cream and went back home. We listened to Taylor Swift all the way home. Fabulous.

Then we committed some good old fassioned shinanigans. Some wonderful Healthy Rebellion. And then went to see “The Vow” So good! Made me cry quite a bit. I’m a sucker for those kinds of movies.

I can’t say I’ve had much time to think, or write what I’m thinking. Watching “An Idiot Abroad” ❤ it.

Random Fact of the Day- There is a woman in South Africa who has a pet Hippo. WHAT?

Mission of the Day- Wear a dress. That’s all.

Love you!


Day 201

Well… this has been a long long long weekend. I was gone so I couldn’t have written anyway, but on thursday Gretchen and I stayed after youth group really late to talk, so I didn’t have time to write.

Well, this weekend was “CORE Reaction” with my youth group. And it was thought provoking to say the least. On the way there we got stuck in the mud. That was quite the adventure. Cried during the first session while we were singing a song. I was OK until then but the song starts “Put me back together, I fell apart” and it really hit me hard. I’m totally falling apart. I feel like my life has been bursting at the seams, and in all the worst ways.

The whole theme of the weekend was distractions. And my life is full of them. It could be easily summed up as Guys, Life, Stuff. My parents tell me that I need to take time to breathe. To stop and take a breath before I jump into the next thing. I hate to hear it, but I know it’s true. I can’t rush around so much. But gosh, it’s fun till it catches up to you.

Thinking about apathy. I’ve been feeling a lot of that recently. About school work, relationships, faith, life, and basically everything. I was listening to this great Jonny Diaz song and the words in the chorus hit me like a drum

This complacency is wearing on me
All my passions turn to apathy
I can get up and follow you and find my faith from before
Don’t know what I’m waiting for

I kinda feel my passions wasting away. And I’m not sure why, but I need to find a passion again. Because without passion there is no purpose. Wow… That’s fairly  profound. If we don’t have passions in our lives, if we aren’t living passionately, or if we aren’t passionate about anything then are we truly living for a purpose?

I’m realizing that I have this terrible case of girlnextdoor-itis.

That ^ is a great explanation of it. Liking someone, thinking they like you back and then in the end they like someone else. But in my life it’s different. Because the girls those guys end up liking are girls I’m friends with, and unfortunately you can’t just say “I liked them first! I have dibs!” You have to be excited, and you have to care about their feelings. And it doesn’t end the way it does in the music video. And It happens a lot. You learn to get over things eventually. So that’s what I’ll do.

Random Fact of the Day- Gretchen’s favorite song is “the Devil went down to Georgia”

Mission of the Day- Sneeze.

I’ll finish this up later. I have to go.

Love you