Life Keeps Moving On. 90 to go…

This is the playlist I’ve had on replay all day.

Let’s just talk about the words to this song:

Well, here’s the truth
Life sucks sometimes
When it hurts so bad that you can’t go on
Life keeps moving on
……..
And it is beautiful and tragic
Different verse but same old song
Sometimes the only thing you learn is
Is that life keeps moving on
………
When it’s good
When you’re flying higher
When your feet float up above the ground around you
Life keeps moving on

So I wrote a super depressing post last night. I won’t apologize for that. It was sad and pessimistic and brutally honest.

Sometimes I look back at things that I’ve written in the past and I no longer agree with them and I seriously consider going through and weeding out those posts or editing them, but you see, I did believe them. Maybe it was a heartbroken post written in a parking lot, on my cell phone, through teary eyes but that has no effect on the validity of those emotions. There are things that I have written that have been hurtful and have hurt some of my friendships, so I removed those. But I still have access to them. You see, this project isn’t about you. It’s about me. It’s about putting these crazy things that are in my head someplace where I can find them later if I need to. It’s about me reflecting and learning from the feelings and experiences that I’ve had.

It’s obvious that there are a lot of you who find this silly project interesting enough to keep coming back and sending me e-mails and leaving comments and being super supportive and I am so deeply thankful for that.

Now, back to Ben Rector.

I woke up this morning feeling way better than I did last night. I had some time to sleep and let the emotions sort themselves out. I had some time to cry and pull myself back together. So I was still a little sad when I woke up this morning, but I had brain working again. So this song came on and I’ve had it on repeat ever since. I just love the sound of it, but I also love the words.

It’s true. Life does suck sometimes, and sometimes life is absolutely incredible. But the beauty is that life keeps moving on. In the good times and in the bad times. We’re never truly trapped in any moment. Life will always keep moving on.

I love this line:

And it is beautiful and tragic
Different verse but same old song

I love the comparison of life to a song. That life is one song full of different verses and bridges and motifs and lyrics.

I have to go to class, but I felt the need to address this. I need to remember that Life Keeps Moving On. I need to think about it a little more, but I think it belongs on The List Of Things I Believe.

I love you all very very much!!

Abby

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Just some random thoughts on relationships. 96 to go…

I’ve got about forty minutes until my next class and so I’m going to write about this thing I believe. It’s a pretty weird thing, but it’s a pretty developed theory that I have that I want to be able to remember some time when I’m old.

I make a very strong effort to not pursue guys who are in relationships and that’s for a couple reasons. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that I’m not interested in being dubbed a home-wrecker, but I have another very distinct reason for this.

I had a really goof guy friend during my junior year who was so sweet to me. He made me smile and made me feel really special and we would flirt all the time and I liked him. Like, really liked him. But he had a girlfriend. It got to a point where he would be flirting with me and I would almost forget that I wasn’t his girlfriend. It got increasingly hard for me to separate myself from him emotionally. And then, one day, after an exceptionally heartbreaking conversation, it occurred to me that he wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to emotionally invest in.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. He’s sweet and kind and an amazing guy in general. We are still good friends and I really enjoy his company, but I couldn’t justify being with him. (There really was no chance of us being together, but when you start to realize how much you like someone, you start to consider what it might be like to be with that person.)

How could he make me feel the way I did when he was with someone else? He made me feel special and like the only girl in the world. He wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend, but she was getting cheated of that attention. Maybe he had no interest in me, but if I was his girlfriend and he was making other girls feel the way he had made me feel, I would be upset. (I don’t know if that made any sense at all. I did my best.) I wouldn’t want the person who I had committed myself to, to be treating other girls the way he treated me.

Maybe that’s selfish. Maybe I’m just a terrible person. Maybe I’m needy. But I believe that relationships like that are important and unique. They deserve respect and a sense of reverence (I know that reverence is the wrong word here. I simply can’t think of what the right word would be. Any help? Also, why is wrong spelled with a “wr” and the opposite [right] isn’t spelled with it? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Write and Wrong? That could be an interesting title for a novel for teenagers.)

SO yea. That’s where my brain is at right now. Any thoughts? You might totally disagree with me, and if you do I would really like to hear why. I’m open to anything. Give me your thoughts!!

Love you!

Abby

random side note- I was tagging this post and I realized that I’ve never tagged something “Emotional Investment” How is that even possible? That’s basically all I ever write about and it’s totally a phrase that I use all the time! What have I been doing???

Sorry for all of the random side notes. My brain is in a billion places at the same time. I’m going to go to class now.

Also, my Chem professor has this super thick Russian accent. It’s like something out of a movie.

OK. I’m done. I swear.

I lied.

I guess I believe in karma. 98 to go…

I was talking to my friends, Grace and Kelly, today and we were discussing the idea of doing good things to get good things. Kelly told us about a guy she knows who believed that if he didn’t have sex in college that god would give him good grades. This got me thinking:

Religion is not Chuck-E-Cheese. You do not put in good tokens and in turn get prizes back. That’s just not how it works! Then Grace said that she does believe in karma and this sparked a discussion.

I’ve never believed in karma. You see, it seems weird and superstitious to me and I never believed in it. But the more I talked with Grace, the more I realized that I do believe in karma in one sense.

While I don’t believe that doing good will absolutely make your life better, I believe that doing good will increase the chances of good things happening to you. People who are nice to others are more likely to have people be nice to them in return. And people who do good are more likely to feel good about the life they are living.

So that’s my little thought for the day.

Love you!

Abby

On Leaving. 102 to go…

Tonight was my last night of work before college. It’s funny, but it made me sad to leave. I have really great coworkers who I love and will really miss. I’m blessed to have coworkers who make saying goodbye so hard. One of the girls made me cry.

Leaving places is so hard. I stood up in the lobby and just thought about all of the fun I’ve had. All the people I’ve met and all the things I’ve learned. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll be back there on breaks and over the summer, but leaving changes things.

I think it’s number 9 on the List of Things I Believe: you’re never the same person twice. Every choice you make, every thing you do, every person you meet changes you. You will never get to be the person that you are at this moment ever again. That’s what makes leaving so hard.

It’s never going to be the same. Relationships change. People change. Places change. Routines change. Things cannot be the same when you leave a place and then come back. And that’s scary.

What if you’re replaced? What if you no longer fit in? What if you don’t get the inside jokes? What if no one likes you anymore?

Those are all possibilities. And that scares us. It scares me.

I’m afraid that when I come home for breaks that I won’t fit in with my family any more. I’m afraid that my friends will have changed too much for us to get along. I’m afraid that I won’t have a place any more

But that’s what life is. Life is growing up and changing and becoming who you were meant to be. We need to change. There’s no way around it. And never leaving and just watching other people change is no better.

So I hate leaving, but it’s going to be good. I just know it.

Love you!!

Abby

Your expectations are killing people’s souls. 276 to go…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: at the root of every heartbreaking is some sort of disappointment.

When you really like a boy and it seems like he likes you back. He’s cute and awkward and nerdy and flirty and funny and different around you (maybe It’s just me) and you think that he likes you. There is a sense of expectation there. You hope and you expect him to make a move. To initiate and to tell you he likes you. But when that expectation isn’t met you are suddenly crushed. You come to realize that your hopes and expectations were not at all reality.

I don’t know if you’ve read the play A Doll’s House by Ibsen, (if not I would recommend it highly,) but the whole story line is about a woman, Nora, and her husband, Torvald. Nora committed fraud in order to save her husband’s life and when another banker finds out about the fraud he threatens to tell everyone. Now, Nora believes with all of her heart that Torvald will take the blame for the fraud and say that he had done it and because of this Nora is planning to kill herself. But when Torvald tells her that “no man would sacrifice his honor for the one he loves,” her expectations are shattered and her heart is broken.

It occurred to me that our expectations are so high because we idealize people. John Green wrote “what a treacherous thing to believe a person is more than a person.” And he is so right. This boy disappointed me because he wasn’t the person I pretended he was. Torvald disappointed Nora because he wasn’t the man she believed he was. We both had very ideal images of what these people were.

It’s like seeing your parents screw up for the first time as a child. They’re your parents, so they’re obviously perfect. Or like seeing your favorite celebrity ruining their lives. He’s Josh Hutcherson, he must be flawless. Or seeing your role model crying for the first time. She’s Erin, she can’t be sad.

We have such crazy expectations for people. We see people in black and white. They are either wholly perfect or wholly flawed. But in reality the whole world is shades of gray (far more than fifty.) All people are made up of their goods and their bads. We fall in love so easily with these paper ideas of people. I’m guilty, I’ve done it, I do it and I shall continue to do it. But the reason it is so treacherous to believe that a person is more than a person is that it hurts more than just you.

Sure, it hurts you. It shatters your expectations and breaks you heart. But it can maime another person. Essentially your heart is breaking because that other person is not good enough to measure up to your definition of what they should be. And they are painfully aware of the fact that they are not and never will be good enough. That is the stuff of nightmares. The sort of thing that breaks the wings of your soul so that you never try again. And that is a terrible thing to inflict on another person.

Love you!!

Abby

Two posts in a row that aren’t all about boys… I’m proud.

He made me feel like a girl. 278 to go…

I had things that I was going to write about. And then I got crushed by the feeling of rejection.

I think that my problem lies in my hopes. One of the things I believe is that you only fall as far as your hopes are high, but that doesn’t mean give up. My problem is that I hope too much.

Every word he said to me me dizzy and the way he looked at me made me insides feel fuzzy and smiley. But I had no right to feel those things. I had no right to idealize him and I had no right to even bother liking him.

I think that I have too many emotions. I can’t separate my emotions from reality. It’s so hard to be positive on the hard days, because it feels as though the hard days are never ending. As though I’m trapped in this loneliness and am destined to never ever get out. I joke about being a crazy cat lady, but I legitimately worry that my overly-emotional nature will drive people away from me and that I’ll go unliked forever.

You know what the thing was about this boy? He made me feel more like a girl. He made me blush and bite my lip (involuntarily) and absent mindedly twist my hair and batt my eyelashes (like an idiot) and he made me giggle. When you’re a girl like me, that doesn’t happen often. In fact, It’s very rare that a boy makes me do all of that just by being in the room. It hasn’t happened in a long time and the last boy to make me do that still manages to make me smile like an idiot on some days.

That’s what it feels like to be a girl. To have weak knees and a stupid smile because of that boy. That feeling in your chest when he texts you. The way you feel when you catch him looking at you. That’s what it feels like. And I hate it. I hate having my judgement clouded by my emotions. Or having my feelings keep me from being normal and healthy.

For a girl who wants to be so in love, I am so single. Eventually you have to start asking yourself “what is wrong with me?” Honey Boo Boo’s mom has a boyfriend and I have a cat.

Why does hope feel so far away?

Love you

Abby

Dying butterflies. 287 to go…

Do you know what I hate? Human emotion. (although, apparently I love rhetorical questions) I hate that tendency to get excited and assume the best. When that boy says something that you hope is directed towards you, or when your parents hint at a surprise and you assume It’s a puppy, or anything else.

Gosh, that feeling of hope that builds up is so beautiful. And then, suddenly, all of that hope is crashing into the ground. All of the happy butterflies in your stomach die at once and hit you right in the gut. That’s what disappointment feels like. Like a thousand beautiful things just dying because… Just because.

I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, at the root of every heart break is some sort of disappointment.

Random Fact of the Day- Astronauts took Silly Putty with them into space. Can you blame them? Silly Putty is awesome!!

Love you!!

Abby